Tag: mood disorders

pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

I was reaching for my phone charger and moved my ankle. It immediately exploded in pain. I wanted to fucking die, right then and there. It was so intense. I got hot under my blankets and soon as I took my feet out, my pain decreased at least 60%. But my toes started throbbing uncontrollably. I had already maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for at least a few hours. I am so fricken tired of dealing with this shit night after night.

I did some research and found the article I wanted for free on the internet. SCORE. I sent it to my psychiatrist and therapist. I hope they find it useful like I do. I will write a review of the article when I read it. It’s a complicated article as they did multiple studies on different things. I don’t know if I will understand it. I just know that I have the gist of what they are talking about and that is Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance. I need to read and find out if a medical condition, such as chronic pain, is excluded from this “diagnosis”. I will write to the main author if I can’t answer this question. I tried tweeting the question to one of the authors but I never got a response.

I got some software off of eBay. It was a good price so I snagged it before it became unavailable. I also logged onto my yahoo account. I had like 700 emails. I knocked it down to 600 or so before I got bored clearing it. I will work on it tomorrow. Most of the emails are from my blog. I just checked it to see if I had any comments that needed moderating. My comments have been few and far in between. I think it’s because my readership has gone down. I have noticed the few regulars haven’t been “liking” my posts lately. Oh well. Maybe they don’t have internet or are busy or something.

I keep having bad thoughts. Music in my head has gone worse. It’s so damn loud that sometimes I just can’t think. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been listening to Eric Church most of the evening. I finally got the Toby Keith song out of my head but now it’s coming back in a soft hum. I might play my white noise machine so that my room isn’t quiet. Last night was really bad that I thought about taking 8 mg of trilafon. My psychiatrist would not have approved it. But I was really getting desperate to get the noise out of my head.

I keep thinking people will be better off without me in their lives. I can’t shake that feeling. I almost called my psych today because I wanted to go into the hospital but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to spend 14-18 hours in the ER waiting for a bed. I would go insane. And the only reason I am thinking about this is because I am in horrible pain. I took a shower after I wrote my previous blog and my Achilles flared up for no reason. I have one week before I see the specialist for my ankle. The 11th can’t some soon enough. I want the boney growth gone. I don’t care what they have to do to make it go away but I don’t want it anymore. It hurts too much. I can’t have BOTH fricken ankles hurting me. That is just torture. If they don’t do anything for it, I will kill myself. I am not going to be in pain all the damn time with both ankles hurting me. No fucking way. I will go to my suicide spot and be done with it. I just hope I am not “rescued”.

got a haircut and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got haircut and other things

Since last Friday, I have been meaning to get my haircut. I couldn’t stand it being long on top anymore because the bangs were getting in my face and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t tuck them in under my ballcap. It was annoying the crap out of me. I didn’t feel like going out because I had a rough sleep but I got out anyways. I got a ride to the square from my cousin who saw me at the bus stop. I had left early because it was a nice day and I knew if I waited, I might have changed my mind about going out.

We talked while in the car. This is the cousin that has bipolar disorder. We get along okay but sometimes he is annoying because he asks the same questions three different times. He said he’ll call me tonight. I won’t hold my breath. I appreciated the ride. I got my Starbucks and a sandwich. I was hungry but couldn’t finish the sandwich after I got ¾ the way through. I tried writing in my journal. I don’t know why it’s been so hard to write in it lately. I must have written two paragraphs and then left to get my haircut. I just could crank out anything.

There wasn’t a line at the barber shop so I got my favorite barber. He cut it good and I was happy to have the long hair gone. The sides and back are baldy, just the way I like it. It will grow in, in two weeks time. I will get another cut then. My hair grows fairly quick.

I didn’t want to take two showers today so I didn’t take one before I left the house. I will after I write this blog or after dinner to get the excess hair off my head. It always feels good to shower after a cut. I had received an email about my debit card being compromised by some merchant and that I will be receiving a new card. Just as a precaution, I took down my card at the various places online that I have my card stored. It’s going to suck learning a new number because I have had the same number for so long.

I got home and I was wet. I had to pee and I guess I leaked more than I thought I did. Fucking CES. This is getting to be a problem and I am not liking it at all. It’s just killing my dignity. I’m having to shower more frequently and I don’t like that because it annoys my ankle. I can usually sneak them in the morning. That way if it wears me out, I can rest for a bit before having to leave the house or I can just stay home. It all depends on what is going on for that day. Friday I have my psych appt. I almost called her last night before I posted the ugly blog. I was just feeling miserable. Writing the blog helped, like it usually does.

I wish I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, again. I got to stop drinking after a certain point so I don’t wake up with a full bladder. Also didn’t help that I slept with my thermal socks on so I was fricken hotter than a hot potato. I took them off and forgot to put them on the floor so was sleeping with them. I thought that was cute. I found one sock on one side of me and the other on the other side of me. Just glad I found the pair. I hate when I misplace socks, especially my favorite ones.

I feel ugly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel ugly

I haven’t been feeling right the past few days. I feel ugly, sad, depressed, out of sorts. At times I want to end my life very bad but somehow I just keep plugging along. I am thinking of going into the hospital and anyone that knows me, knows this isn’t a light decision. I hate going in the hospital and will only go as my last, very last, resort. I just think it might be an option to keep me safe for a few days or a week or until they piss me off and I want to leave.

I woke up about an hour or so ago because my bladder woke me up. I had several messages on my phone. I took my pain meds and went to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like clearing the messages. When I came back to my room, I looked over the messages. I had one from a friend, saying she had been in a car accident. No other information was given. I hate when people do that. Just pisses me off.

I feel no one cares about me. I know there are people that do but it’s like I have this shield around me and I just can’t feel it. I feel like they would be better off without me in their lives. It’s like I am just a hassle for them and I just bring them down all the time. I am tired of feeling like everyone’s go to person and then when I need support, I don’t get it or people just freak out because I do need support. I feel like I am just better off not asking people for help.

My ankle/foot is bothering me. I just took a strong pain pill because the regular pills aren’t working. Pain is just too severe. I am tired and want to go back to sleep but my thoughts are milling around. And I got a fricken Toby Keith song stuck in my head the last few days on repeat. He had posted the lyrics to the song on his Twitter account and I had to listen to the song. Now I regret it. I don’t know why some songs stay in my head long after I listen to them and other times they don’t. The song is really loud tonight and I don’t know why. I wish I had a pause button or some other kind of volume control.

tiring Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tiring Tuesday

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I wrote a blog and that seems to have settled me down some. I woke up feeling like shit so I wasn’t going to go out or make bacon like I wanted to. I just had a bowl of cereal and then went back to sleep.

I must have been hungry because I kept dreaming about food. My mother called me twice. The first time I didn’t answer it. I didn’t feel like it. The second time I had to or she would have been worried. She wanted to know what I wanted for dinner. I told her I didn’t care. She asked why I was home and I said because of pain. She ended up making pork chops. They were good.

My therapist responded to the email I sent him. He didn’t give me another appointment this week nor did he say anything about it. He just said to bring in the list of problems/concerns next week. Great. Now I got to write up the list. There are only a few things I want on it. I probably will do it later this week.

I am tired and want to go back to sleep. I had wanted to have a STTNG marathon but doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I might watch an episode or two later, if I don’t go back to sleep.