Tag: mood disorders

woke up and can’t go back to sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Woke up and can’t go back to sleep

I woke up to use the bathroom and then have something to eat. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I wrote two emails before I went to bed. One was to my psych telling her how I was doing as I was in severe pain. I also told her how therapy was going. Then before I went to sleep, I emailed my therapist to ask him a few questions and to see if I could get another session this week. I am just feeling vulnerable and need the extra support.

I haven’t heard from my girlfriend in three days now. We had a short exchange on Friday but that was it. I probably will hear from her later today. I miss our chats.

I think next month I am going to buy a new laptop. The one that I am using right now is having problems with the screen and the cooling fan is making much more noise than it did before. I fear it is going to stop working all together and then it will break down. I just don’t know if I should get the 11” or the 14”. The consensus on Facebook is to get the 14” so I might go with that as it has I think it has more USB ports. I was writing it down in my notebook the stats so I could refer to it but I didn’t note the USB. I will have to look again as one had three and the other had two. The price is relatively the same for what I want loaded on it. Neither comes with a DVD/RW so will either have to use my laptop for that or buy an external one. I would have to buy software to play DVDs if I do. That is another 80 bucks so I am not sure I want to spend that much as that will jack up the price to around $600, for either laptop.

I had put lidocaine on my Achilles before I went to sleep and that seemed to help bring the pain down. Now my CRPS ankle, which is my bad one, is hurting me. I am not sure if it woke me up or not as it was close to the time I had to take my meds. Seems my body knows when I need a dose of meds more than I do. Usually around five hours after a dose it when I need the next one. I try to extend the time to six hours but it’s sometimes not possible. I see my PCP at the end of the month and I hope he would have changed his mind about giving me a longer acting pain med. If I can get at least eight hours of relief, that would be great. It would last me through the night and I won’t be up in the middle of the night.

I want to get my haircut done today but I don’t know if that is going to happen as I am up in the middle of the night again. I guess it depends on how I feel later today when I get up. I want to make bacon. I need to rest today so I might get my haircut done tomorrow. It all depends on what my energy levels are later.

I saw in country news that Billy Ray Cyrus will be changing his name to just Cyrus. I love his music. When he was playing a doctor in New York city (I forget the name of the show), I loved it and bought his album. There was song I fell in love with but I can’t think of it now and it’s not on Amazon music. Apparently, he is going to re-record his hit single, Achy Breaky Heart. I listened to it the other day when I was playing songs on YouTube. I started playing Toby Keith and it continued to play a bunch of country artists that I haven’t heard on the radio in a long time, like George Strait, Brooks and Dunn, and Cyrus. It was great listening to the old country songs. I wish they played them on the radio but now they play the new artist and the music just sucks.

migraine, therapy, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Migraine, therapy, and other things

I woke up not in the best of moods this morning. But once I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, I found it hard to go back to sleep. I had a low grade headache and dismissed it as just sleeping wrong, hoping it would go away with some caffeine. As I couldn’t go back to sleep, I decided to shower. It wore me out and I wanted to go back to sleep but I was restless and needed coffee. I just missed the bus so had to wait a fricken hour.

By the time I got to the Square, my head was pounding and I was sensitive to light and sounds. I was grateful it was a cloudy day but I knew it was most likely the cause of my migraine. I went to CVS and bought some Excedrin migraine pills as I didn’t have anything else on me. I had something to eat and my espresso. I wrote for a bit and seemed like I had to pull teeth to get the words out. I spent nearly 2.5 hours trying to write. I couldn’t listen to my headphones anymore as the music was really hurting my head. Every sound seemed multiplied by 100. I wanted to go home but knew if I did, I wouldn’t go back out again and it was too late to cancel therapy.

When I gave up on writing and still had time to kill for my therapy appointment, I went to the new grocery shop that opened a few months ago. It was okay and it wasn’t any more expensive than Stop and Shop. They had a lot of stuff that Whole Foods sells as well as regular items like cereal and stuff. They also had prepared meals for like $16 with all the ingredients that you cook yourself. I didn’t see anything that I liked. I thought about getting some lunch there but there wasn’t anything that I liked.

I went to therapy and it went okay. I asked him if he wanted to work with me and he said that he did. I also asked him if he was a huge Michigan fan because he went there for grad school. He said he wasn’t. I was glad because I am a huge OSU fan and Michigan is their rival. He asked how I became a Buckeye fan and I really don’t know. I just started following them and fell in love with them. We talked about my past relationships. I didn’t get into grave detail about them and he didn’t ask more than general questions.

I told him about the rough week I had last week and again, no in-depth questions. I’m starting to feel like I am paying him to listen to me talk. I kind of wish I saw him more than once a week. I am going to ask him about it next week. I left his office feeling all sorts of things, none of which was pleasant. On the other hand, it’s kind of good that I am talking the whole time I am in session, unlike my former therapist, who would talk half the time or more. She always left me feeling frustrated afterwards because I didn’t talk. I just want to be “analyzed” and just not feeling it from this guy. I feel like there should be a plan and there isn’t one. It’s just free association. Maybe I should come up with a plan of something and see if he will go with it. I am guessing he would. He seems open to it.

My right Achilles started acting up while I was out. It wasn’t as severe as it was last week but I was limping. Then my AFO got stuck under the seat on the train. I almost fell backwards. Luckily, I freed myself when the train came to the stop and I got off. I took my meds when I got home, including my migraine meds as the migraine came back. This is the third migraine I have had in a week. I hope I am not getting my menses, though it would explain my mood fluctuations the past week. I don’t understand it though because I have been taking the damn hormone pill consistently. It’s been almost 11 months since my last period. I’d like to make it a year of no menses. That will be a first.

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.

book pile and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Book pile and other things

The picture above is of the books to be read. It’s mostly hardcovers so it’s a heavy bunch and I fear it is going to topple over. The pile was higher until I opened my window a few months ago and the pile collapsed when I went to move the hamper behind it. My ankle is hurting so I am not in the mood to adjust the pile so it doesn’t fall. When I take my meds, I probably will adjust it as I will be up anyways. It will be scary to hear a thump in the middle of the night should it fall.

I changed my bedding and it was a hassle. Once I removed the dirty sheets (easy part), I had to readjust the foam topper to it wasn’t falling off the side of my bed or shrinking down to the bottom of it. I don’t know why it moves so much. My last one didn’t. It’s just annoying. Then I had to put the clean sheets on. Getting the fitted sheet on was a bitch. I’d put one corner on and when I put another corner in, it would pop out. UGH. I hate putting sheets on the bed. I had to rest after everything was settled with just the fitted because my back hurt. A friend wrote me an email so I decided to respond to it while I rested.

Now that I have my sheets changed, I am resting. I made burgers for lunch and dinner. I had to use the meat up before it went bad. I kind of let things burn a little as the burgers were thick and I wanted it well done. I stunk up the house with the grease smell. Oh well. My mother went grocery shopping and I helped put away the groceries. She had the job of putting things in the freezer as she is a better organizer than I am. I just put away the perishables like ice cream and milk. I also put some freezer stuff in the basement freezer as the fridge one was full.

My mood has been all over the place today. It’s pain related. I woke up with a Neurontin hangover and needed coffee badly. After I had my burger, I made coffee. It was good and made the hangover go away. Then I started the task of clearing my bed off so I could change my sheets. I still don’t get how shit accumulates on my bed. I need to stop it and keep my bed clear. I feel better when it’s not cluttered. My room is cluttered enough as it is. I really need to either get another bookcase or put shelves on my walls. I would love to put shelves in but not sure I could do it myself. I might have to have my brother in law help. He is good with that stuff. I would have to make sure the weight is good so it doesn’t fall or break the wall. My mother would kill me.

My pens were finally delivered today. It made me happy for a little while. I love the colored pens. I hope they don’t skip like the other ones did. That bothers me when the ink skips. It is so annoying. I had a pen that I thought needed to be refilled so I bought refills for it. When I went to change it, there was half a barrel of ink. I must have just put it down just to know where it was. It’s one of the earlier pens that I like and I love the color of the barrel so want to keep it. Most of the pens I bought are refillable. I like that with these pens.