Tag: mood disorders

tolerate it

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Tolerate it

I had therapy today. She got my message about hopelessness and we discussed it for a bit. Until my ankle exploded in pain. I swear I thought the bones were going to shatter, that is how much it hurt. I told her I was in pain and she asked if there was an emotional component to it. I had to agree there was. Any time I feel strong emotion, my pain goes up. I had brought this to her attention maybe a year if not more ago and she still remembers. So we talked about the emotions I was feeling in the moment. She said that despite me having a good spell right now there could be relapse. I’m glad she is aware of this because it would kill me to go through this alone again.

After therapy, I shaved and took a shower. I shaved my underarms and hurt my left arm while shaving my right. I was already hurting from not sleeping all night. I wanted to take a nap after the shower but decided to eat something. I ordered Chipotle and it was a good meal, albeit cold. I didn’t care. It was still good. I decided to write this blog than sleep. I don’t think I can sleep anyways as my arm is still so damn sore. I had taken a pain med but now I think I need to take another one with an ibuprofen chaser.

I had two cups of coffee today to help keep me awake. I’ve also been drinking Gatorade to keep my fluids up as tomorrow I am going for a blood draw. I see my pcp tomorrow as well. I am going to have my knee looked at because after nearly a month since the fall, it is still hurting me. I don’t know if it is because it is bruised or if I did something to it. I hope it is just bruised. It is going to be a long day tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have plans for Wed. other than seeing my sister for her birthday. It will give me some time to rest.

I am getting my haircut tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I plan on getting it cut to a three on top. I probably will have to shower again. One of my dear friends called me today. We talked for about an hour. It was good catching up with her. She wants me to come over her house for Turkey day and Christmas. I don’t know if I will go both holidays. Maybe just Christmas this year. I don’t know. Depends on what my family is planning.

Yesterday, a beloved member of Red Sox Nation died from cancer. Today the great Aaron Beck died. He created CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. He was such a good psychologist. I am saddened by these deaths.

My left side hurts so much right now. I took my meds but it is going to be at least an hour before I feel somewhat better. I am thinking of having another cup of coffee or tea. My sister made a seven layer bar that is out of this world. I might have a piece with a cup of tea. I haven’t had a cup of tea in a great while. I will have it in my Sox mug that my brother in law gave me one Christmas. It is my favorite mug for tea. Might also warm me up. It is kind of chilly in my room with the temps going down now.

therapy and shoulder pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and shoulder pain

I was so damn tired today. I only woke up twice during the night. One to pee and the other because of shoulder pain. My med alarm went off and I wanted to throw my phone across the room. I shut it off but didn’t get up until an hour later when I had to pee again. I took my meds and used the bathroom. I was still tired so I just went back to bed. My hip was hurting me from the dampness. I didn’t wake up till almost twenty minutes before my therapy appointment. Yikes!

I quickly made a cup of coffee as I logged on to my laptop. Shoulder pain had calmed down. Therapy started a little early and we talked about dating as I joined a dating app and have been talking to someone. We talk about how great it is but at the same time I am apprehensive about them dealing with the medical side of me. It is very complex and I am on a lot of meds for the different conditions I have. I just am worried they are going to see me (if we meet in person) and I am going to be a turn off because I won’t be what they imagined I would be. I never thought someone would be interested in me because I am so hard with my esteem issues. We also talked about my shoulder issues. I told her the conflict I have with back PT and shoulder PT. I said that I want back PT because if I can’t move there is no way I can do shoulder therapy. She was okay with that then asked if I do the exercises outside of therapy. HA! I do them. But not usually all of them. The PT I have usually gives only three or four exercises rather than like 10 so it is easier to remember and do them but they will be the same exercises I have been doing for the past twenty years.

After therapy, I took a shower and shaved. It was the first time in a week that took one. I have been shaving but not showering. I still have to get my haircut. I am thinking of just getting it down to a three. I just am scared because I might end up shaving my whole head with it that low. I never done that before. I have had my hair really short, like whiffle short before but it has been a while since I have had it that short.

My lower back has been bothering me most of the damn day. Weather sucks. I don’t ever remember a year where we have had so much rain. It is going to be cloudy and rainy all week. I am just glad the temp isn’t colder or we would get snow. That would really suck. I don’t have to go out except to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I hate to go out in rainy weather. I used to love it. I rather have a cloudy day than sunny. My back does not like the rain though.

painful and depressing Sunday 24102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Painful and depressing Sunday 24102021

I woke up several times during the night because I was in pain and had to pee. I didn’t have the urge to pee but several hours had passed without me going so I figure I might as well empty while I was up. Today I had two bowel movements while I voided. I didn’t check to see if there was residual urine. I just didn’t feel like checking. I have been in an awful mood since I woke up around 9. I am in pain with my shoulder and I have pain going down my arm into my hand. There has been a few times where my hand felt numb so I am glad I am seeing the doctor tomorrow. I have neck pain as well. I think that is because I am not using my shoulder the way I should because it is injured.

I got my benefits package in yesterday’s mail. Everything is going up. Copays for PT and specialists are now $30 but mental health is $10. Meds are the same but as one of my meds are brand name, I asked my doc for a 90 day supply as it would be cheaper for me. I am waiting to see what he says. My deductible has also gone up to $300 before they pay for everything. Hope I can swing it.

I have been tired most of the day but haven’t been able to nap. I had a second cup of coffee with lunch. My sister made chili that was really good. I had a yogurt for dessert. My groceries came in and I had some donuts. I think that will be my dinner. I was going to make buttermilk biscuits but I don’t feel like cooking. My arm is really sore. My thigh has been flared up with nerve pain so my whole left side is full of pain right now. I am thinking of putting a lido patch on my thigh soon. I might put one on my arm too.

Since I have been taking magnesium, the spasms have stopped in my back. I still feel achy there. I will call the PT office to set up some appointments with hopefully the same PT I have been seeing. I have a slow week of appointments this week. Next week I have a lot. I am going to wait to call the PT until after I see the ortho guy for my shoulder in case he wants me to have PT there first. I am kind of concerned that there is a fragment in my shoulder caused by one of the fractures. I don’t know if that has to be taken out or not. I am really nervous that I will need surgery for my shoulder and then I won’t be able to take care of myself one handed. I am going to go for X-rays tomorrow to see how things look. Hope things look better. I just hope I sleep tonight or getting up in the morning is going to be tough. I have to be at my appointment fifteen minutes early so they can do the x-rays. I will want to have a cup of coffee before I go and something to eat.

Saturday Blog 23102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 23102021
Pain and loss

My shoulder kept me up most of the night again. I have been sleepy all day. The pain has now moved to my neck which is annoying me. I put some heat on it and it helped a little bit. I don’t know if I should put heat on my shoulder because it is broken. I just been putting the heating pad around the areas of shoulder but not directly on it. My muscles are really tense and they hurt. I think I need to be in a sling but will wait till Monday when I see the doc. I have had a tough time controlling the pain today. I think the ibuprofen is giving me heartburn so I stopped taking that. Took a few doses of Mylanta to finally get that under control. I finally had something to eat and that seems to make my stomach better. I just had a cup of tea today. I figured the tea would be better than coffee.

I lost the urge to pee. I just get uncomfortable in my bladder that tells me I need to go empty it. I went nearly eight hours because I was trying to sleep. I was hoping the urge would come and it didn’t. I told my pcp this but I guess he isn’t concerned about it because I haven’t heard back from him. I should go to the ED but I don’t want to be there for hours. I don’t have any other symptoms of cauda equina syndrome but I am keeping an eye on things. I don’t have too much back pain today so that is good.

The sox lost the game last night so their season is officially over. I am sad about it. They just couldn’t get a hits together for runs. It was sad as they did so well to end up like this.

I am very tired. I hate waking up in the middle of the night with my shoulder because I have to sit up for a bit for it to calm down. Then I go back to sleep only to have the same thing happen a few hours later. I am running out of my BT meds so I have been rationing them. I can’t call in a refill of them till Wed of next week. I am going to ask for a little bit more this month because I don’t know how long it is going to take for these fractures to heal.

I want another cup of tea but I think I will make it an herbal one rather than black. I am so tired though, I just want to go to sleep. Hope the pain meds I took an hour ago work for my shoulder. I could use some relief from pain. It is making me agitated and hopeless. With baseball season almost over, I can move on to college football. I love watching Ohio State and Nebraska. Can’t wait for tonight’s OSU game.