Tag: physical pain

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

I’ve been having a bad flare the last few days. My mood has been awful. I emailed my psych last night with a meme about this dog that growls and then something happens and it appears to be smiling. That is how my ankle is. My ankle is all growling and barking in the wee hours of the morning but when I see the doctors, it is all nice and smiling.

My pain started around 5 pm. That wasn’t a good thing. I took some pain meds and when it really acted up after I had some dinner after I took my night meds, I decided to take some gabapentin with it. I really want some alcohol. I am tempted to have some honey whiskey. I have about maybe three shots left in the bottle, more if I cut to half a shot. I wanted to get another bottle when I got my mother some whiskey but shit, the price has gone up since I last bought it, and this was for a smaller bottle! I am starting to feel like drinking because the pain meds aren’t working and the alcohol just makes you don’t care. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking to ease my pain because that isn’t good.

I had this plan of recording a sentence or two on a daily basis what goes on in the day and how my pain was, what the barometric pressure was, things like that so I can track patterns if there are any. Especially as my mood stabilizer is lower. I had to decrease it again because I have been feeling crummy. My sodium is right where it was two weeks ago. One point below normal. I am still not sleeping or I am oversleeping. I don’t know how I am lately. I can’t be up during the day as I am really tired because I am not sleeping. I sleep during the day to catch up on sleep and then I can’t sleep at night because I slept all day. It is driving me nuts.

Yesterday, an author I don’t know but was with this publishing company that I am following on Twitter published her first memoir called “In the gray area of being suicidal.” I offered to review it. It was on Kindle for like 4 bucks so I bought it and read a few chapters. They are not getting a good review from me. It is so sugar coated I swear it was giving me diabetes. I had to take a break from it. I get the author was dealing with a grave subject but there was like no emotion at all. It was just words on a screen. I am not liking this book but I will read it and then review it. I have already told the company that it will not be a favorable review from me. If they choose not to accept a 5 star rating, fine. There are other places I can review the book.

And I am getting anxiety which can only mean that my flare is going to get worse. Lovely. I already took the max of my meds not even two hours ago. Guess will try an Ativan to calm me down before I flip the fuck out.

My new insurance card came. I have to sign up through a “portal” to get information, but I can’t do that until Jan 1st as I am a new member. UGH. I hope my therapist is somewhere on the list of providers so I can figure out what I am going to have as my copay. I know he is not in the network but not sure what tier he is on. So fucking confusing. And according to the HR information they sent out, I was under the assumption that this new plan was a Neighborhood Health Plan network but the card has Aetna, which is a fucking bastard when it comes to chronic health issues. I hope they don’t determine prescriptions or I am fucked. The whole thing is making me nervous. I need to stop spending because I still have one prescription to pay for in like 10 days. It is the first of what I will be paying for the year. A new medication, too. This is going to be fun budgeting meds and insurance again for the next 5 or 6 months. I am not sure what I am going to do if my mood starts to go haywire and I need to be on another mood stabilizer. Not sure what there is to try. I got a thing in the mail today about my retirement benefits and I had to laugh. Like WTF. They gave me a website to go to if I am no longer employed. Making the whole pay out in cash and then try to kill myself all that much easier, if I can do it. Because these flares if they don’t have better control, I am heading that way. Each flare has been worse than the last and have last longer than they did the last time. I am not liking this.

My sister is having a New Year’s Eve party. I asked her if she wanted me to make chicken wings. She said yes so I will be making them. The only problem is 1) our oven temp has been screwy lately and 2) my mother needs the oven because she will be making calzones. I have no idea what time the party is but the wings take at least 4 hours to cook, especially as there is so much more than what I normally make. I bought a new wing sauce that I will be using. It is a mango habanero sauce. Sounds sweet and hot! Hope it is good. I might make half using the other sauce I use. Someone else is making wings, too. Last year, they were gone in the blink of an eye. They were so good! I hope she also makes her macaroni and cheese. That is the bomb! But none of it will matter if my damn ankle pain is through the fucking roof. Nice way to ring in 2019 being bedridden. Fingers crossed it won’t happen.

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.

Christmas Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Day 2018

I had a difficult morning/early afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I was sick and kept waking up more than a few times during the night. My alarm went off for my meds and it took me at least 45 minutes to take them because I didn’t want to get up. I was just feeling horrible. My throat felt fine but I had no voice. I tried voicing something in my room but no sound came out. I canceled therapy for tomorrow. Talking to my hard of hearing mother was a joke. If one word came out she thought I was joking that I couldn’t talk and then called me a liar. I had to walk away from her, with my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t give her the finger. Dinner was taking forever because our oven was not working right. She made a cake yesterday and it came out fine so therefore nothing was wrong with the oven. My niece tried to make the ham and the oven temp was half what it should be. She is impossible!!

I went downstairs to get away from her. I really wish I was well so I could have escaped to my friend’s house. I just thought it out. My friend was going to pick me up around 130 and I would just leave and then when they called looking for me, I’d say oh, yea, my friend invited me to dinner see ya! But this damn cold prevented that from happening. UGH!! All in all, it was a good day until my ankle bone exploded and then was hammered. I wanted a shot of whiskey so I hunted my room for a shot glass and in the process found a couple of things that I had misplaced. I put them where I would remember them and then went to my night stand to get a shot glass where I found one with dust bunnies. I cleaned the glass and had half a shot. Still smooth and sweet. I could finish it off but not sure that would be wise with pain meds.

A dear friend came over to give me a gift. Before he left, we had a half shot. I so wanted another and another. This is why I don’t drink because I can binge drink when I can, especially if I like something. I think beer is probably the only thing I cannot binge. I still feel crummy but maybe the whisky will help the vocals and I will have a voice tomorrow.

I had a TG experience tonight. I told my bro in law’s mother that my name is G. My mother was sitting next to her and told her that she refuses to call me that because for 40 years she called me my birthname and she is not going to start calling me G. She used female pronouns referring to me. I hate this woman so much. She does not give a damn about me. I am so tired of her not looking at me as her son. I said something about this the other day as I called from my second phone and she didn’t recognize the number. She asked who it was and I said your son. She was so confused. And now this. I don’t get why she is like this. You can say it is the generation bullshit but I was always under the assumption that a parent was to unconditionally love their child. There seems here there are conditions to her love and I don’t like it at all.

Merry Festivus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Merry Festivus

I don’t like Seinfeld, at all. He just annoys me but I hate my birthday more so Festivus this is. I had an okay day. We didn’t go out for pizza but stayed in because everyone has a cold. I was glad because my mother could be with us. She wasn’t feeling well either and she kindly gave me her cold for my birthday. When I told her, she said that she wasn’t near me. I then point at common things we touch and she still didn’t get it. I was bad at using hand sanitizer when I got back to my room. So I blame myself for getting sick.

My cousin came over to give me a card. That was nice of her. She always gives me something. She is so sweet. My mother made the cake like she wanted. I told her no sprinkles as I don’t like them and we argued about it. I had some spiked eggnog that my sister made last night. It was potent. I couldn’t finish the little glass that I had. I then took some Nyquil when I came back to my room as I was feeling crummy. My ankle gave out when I stood up. And again when I stood up after using the toilet. FUN! I am in so much pain it isn’t funny. I can’t breathe well. It is cold in my room. I just wanted to write something as I didn’t write yesterday.

I am supposed to see my friends on Christmas Day but I don’t want to get anyone sick. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I took mega doses of vitamin D. I swear by it to help colds. I hope that I am feeling better but sometimes it takes a few days for the D to work. I am trying to drink a lot of fluids but it is hard when you don’t feel well.

My cousin texted me. She apologized for not sending out a Christmas card this year. I was puzzled as I just got one from her yesterday. I told her and she was like she was “stunata”. I laughed. I haven’t heard that word in so long. That is the Italian word for stupid or dumb. She said we need to go for lunch after the holidays and I must keep on her to go. I said okay.

Aside from being in pain, I had a relatively good day. No one annoyed me which was good. I am so glad I blocked my aunt because she is on Facebook all the fucking time. I am just aggravated I didn’t do it sooner when she sent the request. Bitch talks about everything she reads on FB. One woman I am glad was not at my party. I wish I got a pic of my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. I always forget to take pictures. Probably because I hate the damn camera. I don’t mind reading Twitter but put a camera on me, forget it. Which is why my transition pics are getting farther and farther apart. I keep forgetting to take them. I lost track on how many days it has been. I have my T shot this week. I will try and post something for that day.