Tag: physical pain
Darkest depression and other things
Darkest depression and other things
Yesterday I wanted to write a blog but couldn’t get the words together. I haven’t been eating. Sunday I had only a protein bar. Yesterday was just a bologna sandwich. I spoke with my psych as she wanted me to talk. She is worried about how much weight I have lost and not having an appetite. I am to call her tomorrow to check in and I am scared she might say hospital. I lost another five pounds so that makes twenty over the course of one month. I am losing five pounds per week, all because I am barely eating. I haven’t had anything to eat today. I want to order my from my favorite roast beef place but it is a lot of food so not sure it would be worth spending $15 for food and not be able to eat it.
I went to PT today even though my back was sore. I took an Uber there as it has been easier than trying to navigate public transportation. I am progressing slowly. My PT tried to point out the good but I was too hopeless to hear or take in what she was saying. I just felt like a failure because all week I haven’t been able to do my exercises.
After PT, I went to the grocery store to get some more Powerade and the chicken patties I have been craving. I also bought dinosaur chicken nuggets. If I eat some, maybe that will be better than nothing. My back was still killing me from walking around the store so I took an Uber home. I am glad I did. I then went to the dumb new pharmacy to pick up my meds and asked about the other one that was N/A. It didn’t transfer over so I got to call the doc to resend it. Nearly every prescription I have done with the app or had my doctor send over, I had to call about. I’ve never dealt with such incompetence before. I have let the upper management know they suck and even though I have used them since I moved here in 1992, I am teetering on moving to another chain. I am not going to go through this hassle every month!
I came home and I didn’t want to eat. I am hungry because my stomach is growling. I just have no desire to eat. My mother is making stir fry with rice. I will try and eat some of that. I am starting to feel weak from not eating. I’ve never had depression this bad that I stopped eating like this. My psychiatrist even said I am not myself, that this isn’t me. She has never known me to not eat. I feel so blah that I don’t care.
My sister has moved in. My mother has been after me for two days trying to clear my office stuff from the living room. I can’t do anything today. Yesterday I cleared out some of the stuff that is in a huge box, hence why my back is so damn sore. I won’t be able to do anything until it calms down. I am almost through with the stuff and then I can make room for the bins downstairs. Think once the box is done, I will go through my bookcase first and take down some books/binders that are not being used nor care to look at anymore. I can move some of the books on the floor on the shelves. Hopefully that will be done this week but I am really not sure. It all depends on how things go with my psych tomorrow.
Drowning in pain and depression
Pain is really bad because i had to leave my house earlier than I would have liked. Both feet are swollen, left worse than right. I can’t deal. Least i had some of my Pad Thai, and by some I mean 5 bites. I was full. Psych thinks I should see my pcp because of the weight loss. Basically losing 5 lbs a week. Told her I am ok. When it is 30 lbs I will be worried 😜 (just have 15 more to go) also thinks I should see him for my flares. I don’t have the energy to. Previous docs have shot me down when I’ve told them every appt flares are worse and i am met with no change in meds or what to do. I’m done getting burned so i am staying away from the fire. Besides with my living situation changing, flares are going to be way more frequent from stress.
I told my psych I’ve been really suicidal. I’ve been trying to keep the demons at bay but pain is a huge trigger and add depression and it just fuels the fire. I’ve never been this down before, well I have. Just not so quickly. Three weeks is a short amount of time. My psych asked me if I could come in next week and I asked if I had to and she said yes. Great. I really don’t want to see anyone. I just feel hopeless about everything and I am overwhelmed with shit I have to do. My sister is driving me crazy because she is stressed out. Stress just causes me more pain. I had my 5th flare in a week last night. I have been going on 4 hours sleep, which I got in 2 hour increments.
I was very suicidal last night, the worst it has been in quite some time. I know I could have called my psych but I really didn’t want to be told to go to the hospital. I am done with going to hospitals, least the unit I was on. There isn’t any help anymore. I don’t have a therapist. Unfortunately I am still not mobile enough to be going. I am making some progress in PT but it is very slow. It has been two months I’ve been going and have been doing the exercises but on days I hurt, I can’t do them or on days like today where I had to fucking leave my house because my pedophile cousin came over with my aunt. His voice still gives me flashbacks and shit. I was out for about six hours. I knew I going to be hurting. I didn’t think I would swell though.
My voice is continuing to change. I had no voice when I got up around 10. Trying to communicate to my mother was a fucking pain in the ass. I literally had to write shit down to tell her stuff. When my aunt came over while I was in the shower, I was a little better but still hoarse. Even while talking to my psych I sounded froggy.
My hair is getting thicker. And omg, my hair on my head is growing faster than ever. I shaved it this morning and now I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Will be a buzz tomorrow. Yet my mustache takes forever to grow back. I shave it off last week because I got a big painful zit. It is growing back but not at the same pace.
I am really exhausted between pain and the depression. My sleep has gotten a little better with the melatonin but if I am in a flare, forget it. I just fight sleep.
I saw my pcp’s social worker yesterday afternoon. She can’t see me like a therapist but will cover me until I do find a therapist. She is easy going but I haven’t shared my suicidal demons with her. I really can’t. Last thing I need is for it to be in my record and then I am fucked. Any provider can read her notes. I am very careful about letting on how suicidal I am. I will tell my psych but that is it.
I had my grocery delivery yesterday. Powerade hasn’t done shit about their lot that is bad. I got 5 more bottles of the crap. Going to have to call again. I wanted to today but was rushed out of my house. I still need to get some as they only delivered 7 of the 30 I ordered. They also didn’t deliver my chicken patties for the second month in a row! Now I need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff. I am going to try and just buy the powerade at a little at a time because I can’t carry a huge load. 5 bottles is my limit on my rolling cart thing. I won’t go tomorrow but maybe Monday. I am sort of dreading it as my sis moves in Sunday. God only knows what it will be like living with her again.
Foul mood continues
Foul mood continues
I was in a really bad mood the past few days. Pain was at an all time high early in the evening last night, like around 5 pm. I was in so much pain I wanted to take my night meds and a melatonin just so I could sleep. But I didn’t fix my med boxes so I had to do that. I waited until the pain med took some points off before standing up again. Of course, that made the pain come back. After I did both boxes I relaxed a bit and was in complete misery.
I posted on Twitter something to the effect of how rotten and semi suicidal I was. A social worker that I befriended sent me a DM and we talked for a bit. I kind of unloaded on her and how I wasn’t seeing a therapist at the moment. She said she would try and help, if she could. She told me she was an attempt survivor so understands. I was careful not to reveal too much about my plan. We talked about my mood and stuff. She says a DBT or CBT therapist would be helpful as well as a DBT group. I have no idea if there are any around anymore. The local mental health service in my area had one but they moved or were taken over by a company, which I have been referred to. I am just waiting until I am a little bit more steady on my feet before calling as traveling there is a hike. I would have to take a bus to the station then a train then another bus to the place. This is in the city next to mine. There is a location in my city but I honestly have no idea how to get there as it is a few blocks behind a bus stop that can only be reached via the Square. I cannot walk the several blocks from my house to the end of the road to catch it so I would have to go to the Square to pick it up. I haven’t taken the bus since they closed the bridge. I wanted to go there today for a haircut but I woke up in pain so haven’t done anything today except pick up my prescriptions. One is still pending and another is too soon. I have no idea if it will be in stock at the new pharmacy that I detest right now. I was telling the girl at the old pharmacy that I was thinking of going to another chain and she jumped down my throat saying I couldn’t do that. I just looked at her like, are you kidding me? I can go where ever I want. Sorry.
My mother made hamburgers tonight and I hope my stomach doesn’t do flip flops later on tonight. It wasn’t really greasy so I don’t think it will, I hope so anyway. I had finished off the custard pie I made the other day. That was my Breakfast/lunch. I wanted to grab a few slices of pizza but my mother said she was making burgers. Maybe I will get them tomorrow. I need to go to stop and shop after PT to get some Powerade. I am out and only have half a bottle of Gatorade left. I won’t be able to get groceries until Thursday. My PT is not going to be happy I didn’t do my exercises all week. I just couldn’t between feeling down and recovering from back to back days of trying to clear out my office and going to PT. I was down for three days. Saturday I did a lot of standing clearing out more than a few drawers of stuff. I got to clear out this big box I have in my room. My black bins can go in that space. I will have to find another spot to throw my jeans and sweatpants for outside. I then have to clear out the space in front of my window so my file cabinet can go there. I think it can fit there but I am not sure. I have no idea where my bookcases will go. My mother wants me to keep my leather chair but I don’t. She won’t let me have it in the living room so why keep it? Then she says when the two rooms are built for my sister, I will have the room again. I don’t give a fuck anymore because I am not going to be around. So they can figure it all out when I am gone.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.