Got a stupid migraine today that is incapacitating me. Every sound and light beam is making my head hurt. I woke up with it and I hate that more than when I get one during the day. My right eye hurts and the area around it is numb.
How do you feel right now? what are you thinking about?—Stationary Addicts tweet for today. Seems appropriate somehow. I feel like crap and my head is pounding. I don’t want to have a session with my therapist tomorrow but she is being a fink and won’t let me cancel. She is worried about me because of my suicidality has peaked. I still have not told my psychiatrist what is going on. I just don’t want to. I just want to be left alone with myself for once and think things through enough to end my life. Why is that so bad?
I’m thinking about my friend who I told about my plans. She says she wants me to tell her goodbye. I don’t know how. I never have told anyone good bye before right before I acted on a plan so this is weird. I am also thinking that if I don’t go through with these plans I am never going to be free from my suffering.
Someone once asked me if you had to suffer and have misery to be happy. I would say that yes. For me in order to write I have to feel something powerful to get it out on paper. My journals are filled with my pain and suffering. But also writing on this blog has helped me to see that my writing helps people. I think the main reason for this is that most people suffer but do not know how to articulate it very well. I have a knack for being able to articulate these dark thoughts and put them out in the open (aka, the WWW). I don’t know how I am able to do this, my writing style has always been free, but I think I have learned some stuff from my English professors at the junior college I attended. They were really good in ripping my papers apart and having me redo them. But it taught me to write the way I write.
Song of the day is Casey James’ crying on a suitcase. I love this song and the guitar chords. I have a knack of finding a song that connects with me. I can’t explain it. Whatever I am feeling, a song will come on the radio to describe it perfectly. I have made CDs for my therapist trying to explain how I feel about her through the music and lyrics. I have been doing this since I first met her. It is sort of our thing now. Funny story, when the song by Sugarland came out, I didn’t play it for her because it was so freaky. Somehow the song came on her radio one day and told me about the song and I was like OMG no way! Song is called Stuck like Glue and you can say that the lyrics mean something for us because no matter how much we have tried to end this (Or rather I have tried) it seems like we were meant to be together.
Tag: psychological pain
a fictional story
Started out as an idea then blossomed into a plan. He knows that killing himself was the only way out. Thoughts of doom and gloom were perpetually haunting him night and day for the past month. He hasn’t been able to shake the black dog for weeks. The loss of sleep, appetite, loss of interest in things that used to be pleasurable has been growing. Most days he just stays in bed praying for death to end his suffering. He has tried to shake it off and do the things that give him pleasure but the pain of living has been too great. No matter what he does to try and distract himself, the pain comes on in the early evening, drowning everything that means anything to him. Every night at the same time the midnight demons come out and the suicidal impulses and thoughts become overwhelmingly powerful. He just decided within the next week to put his plan into action. He no longer can take the heartache, pain and restlessness every night. Nothing helps the sorrow or the pain. Duloxetine was supposed to help. It did for a few weeks but now he is so enveloped all he can think about is his way out.
The hotel room has been reserved. What better place than by the place of his former employment. The chemicals have been purchased. A bottle of each in the bathtub should be sufficient. Hotel bathrooms are not that big. The thrill of putting this plan into action fills him with joy. He does think of how much he will suffer. After all, choking on chlorine gas can’t be pleasant. But hopefully it will be faster than pills.
The week has finally come. Soon as his check comes in he will rent the room that will be his death chamber. He can hardly wait to do this. The tension of all the years of suffering has finally ceased to be. He has been cheerful around people, putting on the act of someone who doesn’t have a care in the world. No one knows of his plan, that is the beauty of it. No one suspects. He is tired of seeking help and this time he will become a statistic that will be a suicide. He will join the 30, 000 plus that commits suicide every year. The only obstacle he needs to overcome is his therapist’s safety plan. He has never lied in his life but this time his one lie is a big one. If successful, he will be gone, if not he still will be among the millions of people that suffer from depression.
Up and Down, Up and Down
Depression affects millions of people. It does not discriminate. It is a hidden illness as the signs are not always obvious. Lethargy, fatigue, loss of interest, loss of pleasurable things and activities are common. Personal hygiene is another common dysfunction that is not really discussed outside a clinician’s office. They may not shower every day or even brush their teeth.
I have suffered from depression most of my life and it’s only been over the past few years that my hygiene has suffered. I don’t shower every day. I barely brush my teeth. I don’t use deodorants unless I remember to. I might brush my teeth once every few days, though it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s mostly because I don’t care at times or because my post nasal drip (PND) causes me to gag and be nauseous. Because there have been many mornings where I am gagging and puking, I have gotten in the habit of not brushing my teeth every day or brushing later in the day when my stomach settles. Most days I really just forget because it just isn’t a priority for me. The PND has also gone on for years and I can say that it has caused me to feel bad about myself because I can’t take care of my teeth. Both my parents have dentures and that is the last thing that I want but when you feel so low, you don’t want to do anything. Even less so when you feel sick to your stomach. So I try to brush before bed and get in that habit but it is not easy. I have become easily distracted so if I go to the bathroom and do my business, I might not remember to brush. Sometimes I will if my mouth feels yucky. I think a lot of people with this condition don’t take care of themselves but are too embarrassed to admit they don’t take care of their oral hygiene. It is the same with personal hygiene.
I just don’t think about this anymore mostly because I know I will end up losing my teeth if I don’t. I have even stopped going to the dentist for fear of being reprimanded. I feel bad about my hygiene habits. Bust most days you only have enough spoons to do one or two things for the day. If showering and brushing your teeth are those two things, that doesn’t leave much for the rest of the day. I’m lucky that some days I go out and get my coffee at Starbucks. Usually that means no shower. Which leaves you with one spoon. Spoon theory (https://midnightdemons7.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/spoon-theory-explained/) is the equivalent of the amount of energy people have that do not have a chronic medical or mental condition that affect daily activities. Most people can take a shower, brush their teeth, get dressed, and then go out into the world to do what they have to do. This is not so with someone with a chronic health condition, being physical or mental. For those of us with chronic illness, it is not that easy. What used to take me 20 minutes now takes 40 or more, depending on how much pain or energy I have.
For me, it takes about 30 minutes to get dressed only because it is difficult for me to decide what to wear. What color jeans, socks, shirt or what kind of jeans I want to wear. Indecision is the biggest problem with me. I have too many and I can’t just chose one. I guess it could be worse. I could just be trying on clothes and take them off like some people do.
ramblings 7
I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.
My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.
Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!
In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.
Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.
midnightdemons7 
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