Tag: psychological pain

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.

cold dreary raw day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold dreary raw day

My groceries came earlier than the scheduled time. I was glad. I feel like shit and just wanted to rest. It’s cold and rainy out so I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I want to make my ribs but I don’t even have energy for that. I just feel so depressed today. I emailed my psychiatrist about things. I don’t think she will be able to do much for me. She wants me to go into the hospital but I don’t feel like bothering. I wish just wishing to die would work.

It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the ribs. I wish I had the energy to do it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and sleep. My bad ankle is acting up because of the weather. It doesn’t like the cold and it doesn’t like the rain/dampness. I feel so out of touch with reality, like things are moving in slow motion today. I was fine when I put my groceries away and now I just feel like a lump on a log, a sorry excuse for a human being.

I am in so much pain today that I can’t make myself something to eat. I told my psychiatrist this. She was willing to send EMS to my house to get me to the hospital. I told her I don’t want to go. They won’t help me. No one can really help me. I am just going through the motions of living, whatever that is. I don’t know why things are so bad today. I keep crying but I don’t have any emotions that are with it. I guess I am just frustrated. So damn frustrated that I am in pain and I don’t have any relief. Yes, I could take my pain meds but it won’t help my psychache at all, no matter how many I take.

I haven’t felt psychache this bad in months. I don’t know why today it’s hitting me so hard. It’s like a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I know I might feel better if I eat something. Sometimes low blood sugar can cause my emotions to be hundred time worse than what they really are. I just don’t have any motivation to get out of bed, turn the oven on, wait for it to preheat, take the ribs out of the package (a real hassle because you don’t want the BBQ sauce to get every where), and then put them on the pan. Too many spoons for one simple meal. I don’t need to make sides or anything, though I did think of making biscuits. I bought them a month ago. I hope they are still good. They are still in a can and you just bake them for like 20 minutes or so.

My Australian friend’s package has arrived today. I will ship it out tomorrow. There is no way I am doing it today. I will let him know it came and that I will ship it out soon. I feel so depleted today. I just want to sleep. I am going to try and make the ribs first. I need something to eat as I am hungry. I hope it makes me feel a little better afterwards.

Feeling sad about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about things

A family member came over the house today to talk to me to prove they “weren’t crazy”. The more this person talked to me, the weirder they sounded. I really think this person is developing schizophrenia of some sort. The person’s thinking is all messed up and now they think they have a “spiritual connection”. I just feel really sad because I know schizophrenia is a tough disorder to have.

A year ago today my father was placed in the nursing home and that started his down hill slide toward death. This month is just going to suck for me. Easter is coming up and that used to be my favorite holiday. My favorite Aunt’s birthday was this month. She has been dead for more than ten years but I always remember Easter being her favorite holiday. It sucked when she passed. And now my father’s anniversary death. It’s weird that now that he is gone, I just want to tell him things I never told him, just to give me a piece of mind. Instead I just remember staring at him with disgust on his death bed. It was the last long look I had of him before he died as he died soon after. His death was that quick.

I watched my niece tonight. Her mother suggested I watch a movie with her. I never saw the movie Ratatoulle so we watched that. It was a cute little movie. After the movie, I played on my phone, going through Facebook and Twitter. While scrolling through Facebook, I came across a video of the TV show “Friends” gag reel. I watched that and laughed my ass off. My niece started laughing because I was crying and my face turned red. She got a kick out of it. It was the first time I laughed in a while.

I put my niece to bed and then went upstairs to take my meds and then I started feeling sad again. My ankle was bothering me. My cousin PM’d me asking how I was. She wanted me to go to her parents for Easter and I told her my mother would be upset if I didn’t spend it with her. I think she understood. We are going to plan on going for coffee sometime soon.

Today was my youngest cousin’s birthday party. She is turning one and they had a party for her today. I wanted to go but pain kept me away. I was hurting too much from yesterday. I made pancakes this afternoon for lunch. And then after I had my coffee, I took a nap. I meant to clean up but never did. I know my mother is mad at me for leaving the dishes in the sink. Oh well. I also made a burger and left the pan. I hate cleaning pans. I just couldn’t stand at the sink because my ankle was giving me grief and I had to babysit. It was one or the other. I couldn’t do both. I wanted to shower today but that didn’t happen either. I will take one tomorrow morning. Mornings seems to be better for me to do things than later in the afternoon. It really depressed me that I wasn’t able to go to the party. I was so looking forward to it. I really wanted to see the baby. I saw pictures that people post on Facebook so that made me a little bit happier. It’s not the same as in person but this is the life of a chronic pain person. Living vicariously through others.

I am really tired but I can’t sleep. I have too much on my mind. I’m waiting for my pain meds to ease my ankle pain. It’s too late now to take Neurontin for the burning in my foot. It’s not bad but it can get worse tomorrow. I’ll deal with it then.

Painful emotional Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful emotional Monday

I woke up before my alarm and felt sick. My stomach was bothering me and I just didn’t have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and almost vomited. Was not going to brush my teeth then! I knew if I did, I would only puke some more. I went upstairs and set my alarm for another hour and tried to sleep. My mother got up and all hopes for sleeping went out the window. The TV was loud and then she played her dice game. I took some stomach medicine and shut my alarm off. I really wanted to cancel my psych appointment but I told my lab friends I would be by to clean out my locker.

I managed about an hours sleep and then had to run for the bus. The homeless man that is in my neighborhood started talking to me and this lady that sat next to me on the bench. I wasn’t paying attention to the bus and we almost missed it. I would have cursed him if the bus went by. My stomach was still not doing well but I had my espresso with soy milk anyways. I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare.

I told my doc about what went on this weekend with Amy Bleuel. She had seen the tattoos but didn’t know what they meant. I explained what they were about and that she died by suicide. I also said that I think the same fate is for me, even though I wasn’t suicidal at this time. It was tough to talk about my feeling about this with her but she didn’t judge me or freak out so it felt good to share my thoughts on the matter. She is trying to find a therapist for me and will be in touch when some names are given to her. No one at the hospital she is at does therapy. For the number one hospital in psychiatry in the country, I find this hard to believe. Apparently, they just do meds. Very unusual.

I left to go to the lab to see my former co-workers. It was sad being there. Some people I haven’t seen in a while and others I have seen whenever I visit. I found out a friend just had surgery so I will be calling her later today. I hope she picks up. I emptied my locker. It was junk, most of it. I found a video I had totally forgotten about, The Importance of Being Ernest. It’s one of my favorite movies. A few books were there. I thought one of them was a book on baseball cards but it was on stamps. I tossed it in my recycle bin when I came home. It was almost 20 years old so it was out of date.

I stood the whole time I was in the lab. My ankle and foot did not like that at all. I was getting thirsty just talking the whole time, too. I had to get something to drink so I went to CVS and got a vitamin water. I would have bought just water but they didn’t have a small size just big bottles. I didn’t want a big one. I was hurting all the way home. I am glad I came home when I did because I had gas really bad. I trusted a fart and that was it, I shit my pants. I still had my jeans on so I am glad I wasn’t sitting on my bed. I went downstairs and had my mother help me undress. She was shocked I shit myself. I didn’t even feel it until it was too late. Something just didn’t agree with my stomach. I have been crapping water the past hour so I will be drinking powerade so I don’t get dehydrated. I took some Imodium. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the espresso. I didn’t have time for a sandwich so I don’t know why my stomach is against me. I feel so downhearted because I shit myself. Damn nerve damage. I am glad I was home though. Crapping outside would have killed me.

I took a shower after I clean up the bathroom and my pants. It felt good to shower. My stomach still isn’t settled and my arse is sore. I hope the Imodium kicks in soon. I feel so humiliated. My ankle is hurting a lot because I keep having to go up and down the stairs. I know tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure. I won’t be taking senna tonight, that is for sure. I still need to brush my teeth but I am feeling nauseous. Maybe I will later when my stomach settles down a bit.

My mother told me she is going to my Aunt’s because it’s my cousin’s birthday. I am on my own for supper. I might order pizza. I wanted to have Thai food from Boston but I forgot to order it before leaving the hospital. I just had eyes set on going home. I am really tired and my ankle is really hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill tonight. I was going to take one this afternoon but I don’t want to be drugged going up and down stairs with my bowels being unpredictable. It’s weird I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am not hungry. Maybe I am getting sick of some kind. I just know the bowel incidents have left me feeling weak. I think I will take a nap and then order food.