Tag: psychotherapist

going insane with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going insane with pain

I have been trying to sleep for the last couple of hours. Every time I move my damn foot, it counters with pain. I tried without the covers, with the covers, hanging my foot off the bed. Nothing is working. Meds aren’t touching the pain because it’s nerve pain so I got to wait for the Neurontin to kick in, which is whenever it feels like it. I haven’t quite timed it right so I never know when it is going to work. I do feel sleepy from it and groggy but it’s not enough to knock me out entirely. I just took an Ativan so I hope that will help me sleep.

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote. I thought she should have the last blog I wrote about her. I am really going to miss her a lot. On a whim, I emailed the new therapist that my Twitter friend sent me. I hope she is taking new clients. It will really suck if she isn’t. I will feel really bummed out. I hate having another female therapist but I think there are more female ones in the area than males. In the 26 yrs that I have been in therapy, only 3 have been males. I have had 13 therapists.

I am in so much pain that I am thinking of ways to cut off my damn ankle. Fortunately, I don’t have the equipment handy to do the deed. I did have an idiot friend of mine willing to lend me her chainsaw. She catches one or two of my posts and doesn’t realize what I need it for. Drives me crazy. I don’t know if I would ever be able to really cut off my ankle but I do fantasize about it a lot. Then at least the pain that I felt would be justified. The pain that I feel right now isn’t because of some injury or anything. It just fucking hurts. There is swelling but that is it’s only symptom besides pain. I fucking hate this pain syndrome because there is different types of pain every single night. Sometimes it’s my ankle, or my toes, or my foot, or another part of my ankle. I can’t keep up with the changes and the different kind of pain that I feel. It is frustrating and then when you see the doc, they think you are just making it up. Least it feels that way to me.

I am really sad that I don’t have a therapist anymore. I miss having someone to talk to every week. It really kept me sane even if we talked about the same thing every week. But it was getting frustrating with my therapist because her anxiety just kept getting in the way of me talking about things. Then she would go on a talking binge and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It was really bumming me out because I felt like it was MY time and it turned into HER time most of the session. I hope my next therapist isn’t like that. I hope the new therapist responds to the email I sent her. I really hope so. If she isn’t taking new clients then I will really be bummed. I also hope she can help me cope better with my chronic pain. That would be so neat. But we’ll see. I am really nervous about her response. She might want me to just call her office number, which I have but if she isn’t taking anyone, why would she do that? I am just nervous about it. It’s hard seeing someone new.

So it ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So it ends…

I had my final session with my Bozo today. It was emotional for both of us. I didn’t think she was going to let it happen but she did and so we are done. After sixteen years and countless sessions. She said I have three file cabinet drawers. Makes sense. I wrote a lot over the years. I wrote her endless letters. Given her journals to hold. Books to read.

We talked a lot about the past and how we went through her different offices over the years. The good times and the shitty ones. I honestly don’t know who was more choked up her or me. I tried to hold it together. I still am trying to. It’s really hard to keep it together but I know if I fall apart, I probably won’t be able to pull myself together.

I meant to do some errands before my appointment but my ankle was bothering me. I woke up late and my sister said it was icy out so I stayed in. Then it warmed up to like 50 degrees so after therapy, I went to the post office and then to the store to get my half and half. Tomorrow is going to be a snow storm so I wanted to have it so I can make coffee. I then called my psychiatrist to check in with her. I told her what I pretty much just wrote about the session. I was sobbing by then and having a hard time controlling myself. She asked of I would be going to the hospital tomorrow and I said no. It will be a blizzard and I am not going out. Then she asked if I would come in tonight and I said no cause I haven’t packed a bag. I would be there all night and that would suck. Plus walking to the store did my ankle no favors. I see her Friday.

I’ll be getting my bears back. I am so sad at this. They have been a part of my therapist’s office for so long. My therapist took good care of them, like she did of me for so long. Until, well, I don’t know what happened. I still am trying to figure it out but I don’t think I ever will. I brought it up today and she gave me the song and dance about how I pointed things out to her in the blog that opened her eyes. Things that she couldn’t ignore. I keep replaying the last few months. We really didn’t have a therapeutic relationship as we just fought. Finally I said, let’s just end this and she was like okay. And today was the day we finally said goodbye.

therapy disaster

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy disaster

I had therapy this afternoon. I’m still quite upset about it. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was hoping for the best but it didn’t work out. All I did was cry at the realization that we were going to at some point, terminate. She couldn’t say the word and I couldn’t think of it. She still wanted to be some kind of adjunctive therapy just so she could have her fix of me, to keep her in the loop of what is going on and such.

All the while I kept thinking, why is this happening? I asked her why we couldn’t do weekly sessions and she said she’d just go back to her “old ways”. I don’t care if it meant having someone to talk to regularly. Right now I have NO ONE! And it’s not a good place to be in.

Then I thought fuck it. I plan on ending my life soon and then who the fuck gives a shit about her. I have no crisis response plan in place because she isn’t my therapist anymore. I only have my psychiatrist. I had emailed her about what happened and she asked me if she plans on calling future therapists. I don’t care and went off a tirade of basically fuck this and that. I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t want to see her anymore and I am not. I will have one last session with the bozo (therapist) and that will be that. Her schedule will be too damn packed to see me again so I don’t have to worry about another damn session.

I cried for about an hour after session and still the tears are flowing. I have been trying to control them but it makes me so damn sad. My therapist told me she still loves me and cares about me. I think that just made things worse. I know she was crying during the session, too. I was so choked with emotion, I could barely talk. And when I did talk, I was choking back tears trying to be heard. I kept on trying to think of what it was my psychiatrist wanted to ask her but my mind went blank. I did ask her about the blogs and she said it was important that I wrote and shared them. Yea, so important that it broke us up.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, if it’s going anywhere. I am really depressed. Nothing I wanted to do today got done. I was just a lazy bastard. If I take a shower tonight, that will be a miracle. If not, my psychiatrist will have to deal with my stink when I see her tomorrow. I am sure she smelled worse though.

Therapy Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Troubles

I had talked with my psychiatrist about my therapist on Friday. She wanted me to reach out to her to try and see if our relationship could be salvageable. I left a voicemail message asking for a time to talk so we could work this out. I texted her this morning to check her voicemail and then around 1230, I get a text from her asking if I called any of the therapists she gave me. I fell apart. I felt she wasn’t hearing me, yet again. So I responded that I didn’t want another therapist, that SHE was my therapist and if we couldn’t work this out, to cancel our existing appointment. I’m done. I then cried for an hour waiting for a response that I still am waiting for.

While I was waiting, I emailed my psychiatrist will all this. I told her I would send another email if I got a response. I am so upset over this. I don’t understand why she (my therapist) just didn’t text me a time to talk to her when that is what I said in the voicemail. She never listens to me anymore.

I did a lot of things this morning. Then I went to Walgreens to get some things for my mother. Things were going well until the last block home. I wasn’t wearing my brace because it was a short distance walk. My ankle took advantage of the situation and decided it wasn’t going to work and cause me intense pain. I have been laid up ever since. Fucker. Then my asshole cousin calls me wanting to bring groceries up the stairs. Fuck you. He gave me the excuse he always does, his back was hurting him. He hung up on me and I called him back telling him I wasn’t doing it. He got mad and I didn’t give a shit. When he came, he didn’t do shit and made my niece help him bring the bags up. Asshole.

I finally changed my sheets today so when I go upstairs for the final time today, I will have clean sheets to sleep in. I am very tired. I had to take some pain pills to quiet my ankle down. I’m still waiting for it to quiet down. I tried to nap but lying down increased my pain and my thoughts were dwelling on my therapist so I couldn’t rest. This is the second week without therapy since my therapist has been back. I care but I don’t as I plan on going ahead with my plans. The only people that know of them are my psych and my friend.