Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

anxiety is building

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety is building

There are just four days until I have surgery. I have made lists of things and plan on filling my med box before I go in as I want to have them filled when I come home as I don’t know what state I will be in. still planning on locking away meds as needed. I just got to find or remember where I put the med box. I still don’t know if I will be seeing my therapist this week. Everything seems to be on hold. I don’t know if I will see my psychopharm either. I haven’t heard anything from her office but I am guessing it is the same. If I have a virtual appointment with one, I am going to cancel the other. I don’t want to expose myself while traveling into Boston.

I just lounged around my room today. I showered and then did my meds so I could take them. I made something to eat, boiled eggs and that was all I had to eat today. I just am not very hungry. I got a phone call from the ride saying they will pick me up around noon so I will have to be ready by then. I have no papers to bring with me. I just have my PCP’s card and I think that is all I will need. I tried getting the fax number from my therapist but she might not be in the office. I just have the cell phone number and hope it will be enough if they need to speak to her. I probably will need to fill out a consent form when I am back in the office.

I got word from my urologist that I don’t have an infection and she wants to have an e-visit with me. I never had one so I told her to tell me what to do. I was expecting to hear back today but doesn’t look like it now. Maybe tomorrow.

Preparing for surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Preparing for surgery

Because of the mayhem Coronavirus is causing, I may not see my therapist next week in her office because of trying to limit people’s exposure coming to the hospital. She may work from home which means we will be talking via Skype or something similar to it. She wanted me to come up with things that could help me reduce my anxiety about my surgery. She said to make lists so I started that. I plan on baking and making my burritos this weekend. I think my sister is going to be making chili so I am not sure how much kitchen time I will have. My nephew has been eating my tortillas so now I just have one package left of them to make my burritos. I asked him twice already not to eat them and it was ignored so I really need to make them soon or I may not have tortillas and I can’t buy more as I have no more money until after my surgery, which is when I get paid next.

I had a major flare last night and I didn’t get to sleep until after 1 am. I then woke up around 7 so I took my meds and put my phone in silent mode so I wouldn’t get disturbed. I took a bunch of my night meds this morning to try and deal with the flare so I slept most of the day, which is what I needed. Now I am kind of awake and it sucks because I can’t get back to sleep. I am too nervous about things so decided to write to see if this would calm me down some.

I sent a message to my therapist about the letters and asked her what I was going to do about them. She said to email them to her and I am not sure if she meant via the patient web thing or actual email. I am hoping my surgery doesn’t get rescheduled because I am already going out of my tree as it is. I am not sure if I will be seeing my psychopharm next week which will suck because I need my Ativan refilled. I plan on locking my meds up before surgery so that no one can get to my meds. I will place them in the locked box that I have. It is bigger than the med lock box I got.

I wanted to get my haircut but my barber has been exposed to the virus so I can’t see him right now, not this close to surgery anyways. All the urine tests that I had done this past week have been sort of negative. I have a few bugs in my urine but nothing to indicate that I have infection. I still have not heard from the doctor yet though to confirm I am okay. I don’t know if she wants to treat it or what. I got word from the catheter supply company where I have been trying to get samples that the representative today got the verbal order that I do indeed cath. This representative has been emailing me the past two weeks trying to get the order through. Nice to know that there is some stop gaps before proceeding to verify my information.

Monday I got the appointment with the public transportation Ride service. I just hope I appear to be more disabled than I am so I can get their services on days it will be too tough to take the T, especially with my upcoming surgery. I have no idea what kind of restrictions will be made. I just know I will have to make sure there is money in my account every month do have this service. It costs like 4 bucks each way so 8 bucks total for the round trip ride. It will be nice to get a ride to the library every so often so I can not be hassled with the T buses. It would take me four buses to get there because I cannot walk up the street to where the library is. The one that is in the Square is close for renovations. I am not sure if it has reopened as I haven’t been down that street since the bridge closed. The book that I took out is due next week but because the city is in shutdown mode due to the coronavirus, I had to renew the date so I don’t get charged late fees. I don’t know when I will be able to return it. I am hoping maybe my niece can do it after school as the high school is right there when things are open again. Probably when the virus is gone but who knows when that will be.

2 am thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

2 am thoughts

I woke up about an hour ago because my bladder said to. I had a difficult time trying to go back so I decided to write. Laptop was doing updates so I had to wait a bit for it to finish before the thing could start. I got a message from my neurosurgeon for me to callback in the morning. I forgot what I sent them so I had to look in the sent messages. You can only look at these messages on the web not through the app. I had asked the surgeon if he would look at the disc that I am concerned about while I am under anesthesia to make sure I won’t have problems in the future with it.

I was looking over my last blog so I didn’t repeat anything here but things are on my mind. I think I do have a UTI as I am getting pain on urination with the catheter. After I void, it stings and is sore. I don’t know if I am not inserting it gently enough or what, you need to put some pressure in order to put it in. I will try to be gentler next time, which will be in a few hours. My body seems to want to expel urine every 4-5 hours. Sometimes the void urge is strong and I am able to go but sometimes it isn’t and I have to cath. Sometimes if I sit and wait eventually I go but this is after like 5-10 minutes of waiting to see if my bladder will go on its own. Just when I think I will have to cath, it goes. So frustrating. I never thought I would be this disabled before. I knew it was a chance with my discs being the way they are but I didn’t think it would happen due to a tethered cord.

Ankle is hurting a bit more than it did the last few hours. I hate when I wake up in a 5-7 level of pain. It makes me want to stay in bed but I got some things to do today so I need to try and do them even though I know it will be hard. I need to get eggs and tortilla wraps. Also need cling wrap and I want fricken Oreos dammit. I love the golden ones better than the chocolate ones but the thins are the best! It has the right amount of cookie and filling. I might get both if they are on sale. Depends on how much the eggs are as I need at least a 2 dozen. I want to make 12 burritos so I need 2 dozen as you need 2 eggs per burrito. Otherwise, you don’t yield as much eggs when you go along. I know because I have done this before. I tried 6 last time on 8 eggs and it didn’t get me very far. I was able to stretch it to 5 but the eggs were not as much as the first. I have trouble judging how much to put in each burrito when there isn’t that much egg. Hopefully using two dozen eggs (at different times) I will yield good egg results and the last burrito won’t be skimpy of eggs.

Next week I got to take off my jewelry. I am going to have my watch in my bag so that I have it. I need my watch as it has a way of centering me. I don’t know if that is the right word. I just feel better with the watch then without. I don’t feel as lost. I want to have my bathroom stuff with me, like catheters and deodorants and what not. I can’t use them day of surgery though. I am going to be catharized during the surgery. I just hope I don’t poop. That is a fear I have which is why I am trying to empty my bowels now rather than later. The new bladder med seems to increase the constipation so I am holding off on taking it until my bowel movements are better. I have been taking Miralax to go but stuff has not been working the way it should and I fear I am going to have colon blow soon. I might have to take a Dulcolax day before surgery so I know I will go as I want my bowels to be as empty as possible. The stuff they give you always causes constipation so I don’t want to be super backed up like I am now. I hate that I will have normal BMs and then nothing for days. I never know what I am doing different that causes this. I am taking almost 2,000 mg of magnesium to try and go along with the Senna and Miralax. The uro NP wants me to talk to my PCP about this to see if there is something else I can do to go but I really don’t want to. I know there is a drug you can take for opioid constipation but that isn’t the only thing backing me up. It is the anticholinergic meds I am taking that is causing this to happen. Plus whatever is going on neurologically isn’t helping my bowels either. So there isn’t just one factor in all of this.

I need to pack my bag of what I will need while in the hosp. It won’t be that many clothes as I will be wearing a hospital gown through most of the stay. I won’t wear underwear again until the catheter is out and I am catharizing on my own. I just want to make sure I have enough underwear with me in case of accidents. I don’t know where the scar will be so I might not be able to wear underwear for a while until the scar heals. I will find out after surgery how things will be. I know that I will be lying flat for 24 hours post op and then I will need to be raised slowly so I don’t get a spinal headache or a tear in the spinal area. Last thing I want is to leak spinal fluid. That would not be good!

Getting sleepy so I think I will go back to sleep now. Writing always helps to calm me down.

hurting and tired of hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hurting and tired of hurting

I had therapy today and the therapist wanted me to justify seeing her. I told her my reasons and she agreed with them. We talked about feeling vulnerable as I did last session. Told her I felt small and insignificant. It has been a long time since I felt that way with someone. I don’t know if I can trust her or not to stay. I am scared I will tell her my secrets and then she will leave. We are in limbo seeing as I don’t know how long my recovery is from surgery and what to do about it. I told her my insurance does cover telehealth so she is going to look into it again for me.

After therapy I went food shopping thinking I would be able to handle it. Nope. My legs and ankle hate me right now. I also have a UTI cooking so that is fun. I feel like shit. I got no answers from the urologist about whether or not she is going to treat it. She just wants me to repeat the culture in 2 days. So before my appointment with the therapist on Thurs I will go to the lab to drop off a specimen. I have to remember to bring a cup with me so I just drop it off and not have to sign in or anything.

I spent today sleeping, which is just as well as I needed to sleep. My legs are still sore as hell. My heart feels like it is being stabbed a thousand times. I need a shower but I also need to decide if I am going to shave or not. I am tempted to get my haircut this week rather than next but I know it will grow out by next week so best to wait. But it is killing me as my hair is too long. I can’t do anything with it because it’s out of style. Driving me crazy. I want the short spike look next. I miss spikey hair. The long spike is too long. I will try and shower tomorrow. I need to go out anyways. I need to get some eggs and tortilla wraps so I can make my breakfast burritos.

My foot is already flaring up and I didn’t do much today. I made something to eat and I guess that is my punishment. God forbid I should eat something. I am starting to feel really depressed that this pain is back again after I was mostly not in super pain for most of the day. I hope it doesn’t keep me up. I am going to go lay down again. I just am so damn tired today.