Tag: suicidality

Very tired, weepy, depressing day

I woke up around 4 in pain. My jaw hurt and my ankle was berserk. I took some more ibuprofen and pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I thought I had snoozed it but I didn’t. My new phone has a lit up screen with the day and time and any notifications. I glared over and saw it was almost 0930. I had to get up, brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I put on deodorant as it was going to be hot today. I then got dressed and was really feeling frustrated that again I got no help when I seeked it.

I had emailed my PCP last night before bed to tell him I was in the ER. I got a response asking if I wanted to be seen and if I did I should call the office. I didn’t feel like being examined again, so I told them I pass and my pain levels were “normal”, whatever that is. I didn’t get a response back so I hope they go away.

I had my espresso and a steak and egg wrap that I like. Unfortunately, chewing was difficult. And it hurt. I tried to eat on my left side but it was hard. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. I bought a scone but I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I saved it for tomorrow. Before I knew it, it was time to see my psych. The train was late. I just made it to my appointment. My psych was getting worried as I am always early. I explained the train was late and so therefore I was. We talked about the ER and she read me the notes. She jokingly said I was aggravated because my BP was up. HAHA. I wasn’t lying about that! The notes said I had diminished sensation on my foot in various parts and decreased range of motion. Tell me something I don’t know. She reassured me that I wasn’t having a recurrence of CES. She said it so sternly that it kind of freaked me out and then I became weepy and annoyed. I started to cry a little. I was really depressed and just wanted my pillow. When I said that she asked if I wanted pills. HAHA no, just my pillow will be fine. We have an appointment next week as then she is on vacation for three weeks. She stressed that someone else would be answering her pager while she was away. I told her I would just email her. Unless I was in dire straights, I don’t think I will page her covering doc.

I left and fell asleep on the train so I missed my stop. Sucks because I missed the bus as well so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I just tried to snooze as I listened to Bon Jovi. I was still weepy and felt relieved I didn’t have CES again. I think that is why I was so tearful. But still, if someone looked at me the wrong way, I was bound to cry, that’s how sensitive I was today.

I came home and my mother said I looked exhausted. I told her I was. I told her I didn’t want anything to eat. She made me a plate and then called three times. I told her my jaw was still hurting and I just needed something soft. I opted to drink an Ensure rather than make boiled eggs. I am hungry but I just don’t feel like aggravating my teeth right now.

I did a dumb thing. Last night I put in a refill for my Zoloft. It was an older prescription but I didn’t see the newer one. In my “history” the refill wasn’t there. That was because there were no more refills and I had just had it filled on Monday. I am a dum dum. I put away the meds that I recently got.

I took 2400 mg of Neurontin to try and sleep. Unfortunately, my neighborhood had other plans. There were sounds of hammering and other construction noises. Every time I tried to relax to sleep, some noise woke me up. I was so annoyed. I eventually fell asleep. Now I am feeling groggy and foggy. I took my night time meds plus my pain meds and ibuprofen. I think ibuprofen and I are going to be friends for a while. The dentist was concerned because the novacaine numbed the right side of my nose. He called me this morning to see how I was. I called back when I shuffled around trying to wake up. I told him I was fine, sore but fine. I was kind of nervous though because while I was eating my wrap, I felt like sand was in my mouth. I hope a filling didn’t come out. I was too tired to go back to the office to get checked out. I will be back in two weeks for another filling so I will have him check it then, unless it hurts really bad or something.

I talked to my psych about my therapist and the coordinator for the pain group. I told her I am still looking for another therapist but haven’t had any luck yet. I jokingly said I must be on some kind of blacklist. HAHA. She said no. She did find it odd that no one called me back. I hope to hear from them within a week or so. Otherwise, I will try another place. Until then I will continue to see the nail picker. I am going to try and ask him if he is mocking me or just throwing things out there to show he is listening but not offer any advice to help me. I really don’t feel a connection to him. He is just there for me to ramble but that is not what I want. I want someone that is caring and is willing to help me find new ways in dealing with my problems. I thought that was what therapy was all about, not just rambling on about shit.

I kind of got suicidal when I got home. It was just passing thoughts but I just wished I was dead. I feel nothing inside that makes me feel alive. I am in so much physical pain all the time, it’s just draining the life from me. Like is this how I am supposed to live the rest of my life?? I know suffering is part of life but must it happen on a daily basis? I cried when I was in my room as I thought about this stuff. I couldn’t help it. I hate feeling miserable. I rather feel nothing or depressed. I am just tired of fighting all the time. I don’t get a break from it. It’s going to kill me eventually. I will be another Chester Bennington, but a no name.