Tag: suicide ideation

Patriots won!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Patriots won!

The Pats won, 35-14. I am glad that changing my profile pics on Facebook, twitter and IG didn’t jinx them. I was worried because every time I do, usually they lose. But the Titans were not a strong team. I think they lost gas as the game wore on because the first quarter their defense was hard to get through. No sacks though, so that was good. Tomorrow’s games will tell who we will be playing next week.

My foot and ankle are killing me right now and every thing in between. I am so tired but pain is keeping me up. I thought about reading but the chapters are long and I would hate to be in the middle of one then forget where I left off. I like to read a chapter or stop at a gap midway. I will try and read later today. I figure if I read at least two books a month, that is 24 books, which will meet my challenge I have for the year. I really need to set time limits on my social media. Maybe using a timer will help. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My sister made chicken cacciatore tonight. It wasn’t good. She used a lot of garlic. I hate garlic. I don’t mind the flavor in stuff but not in cacciatore. My mother doesn’t use it when she makes it. It was okay otherwise. She also made chicken soup. I might have some tomorrow. It’s going to be cold the next few days so it will be nice to have something hot.

While I was watching the game, I looked at the French press to see if the glass was cracked. I kind of noticed the lid was not securely on so that might be the problem. I put water in and it poured from the spout without any problems. So weird.

I have noticed that the past few days, despite my pain being all over the place, my suicidality has not been around. I don’t really know what triggers it or makes me feel so low. I know night time is the worst time for me as my mood dips and I can feel really hopeless. Add severe pain and it is a nice recipe for suicidal thoughts. I think being back on Zoloft has stabilized my mood a little bit. I wish it helped my pain but it that is not it’s function.

I had emailed my PT to ask her about if getting movement back in my ankle is a worthwhile task. She said it was and that more movement helped to decrease CRPS pain. She said she will talk more about it when she sees me next. I was going to do some exercises she gave me today but pain stopped me from doing anything. I will try tomorrow. I just need to get a sheet.

first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freezing day

It is cold out, very cold. It is in the single digits. I woke up around 5 in pain. My foot was throbbing. I had to use the bathroom but couldn’t move. I guess I didn’t have to go bad as I went back to sleep. I woke up around 0830 and needed to go. I checked on my mother and was worried as she was sprawled out on her bed. She was having trouble getting up. I helped her up and then used the bathroom. My foot hated me. It felt like it was being crushed. My ankle was telling me to fuck off, too.

I managed to make coffee and breakfast. Just eggs and toast. I didn’t want anything more elaborate but then my breakfast is usually just eggs and toast anyway, unless I buy bacon. It’s been a while since I bought bacon. Maybe I will next week when it is slightly warmer out. After I finished eating, I checked on my mother if she wanted a cup of tea or anything. She didn’t so I went upstairs. I read Facebook for a bit and then Twitter. The orange buffoon was calling himself a genius for winning the presidency. Sometimes I swear he still thinks he is campaigning. Every other day he has something to say about Hilary and how “crooked” she is. Meanwhile 9 million children will have no healthcare, some schools can’t afford heat, and the poor become poorer but it’s totally “okay” that the rich become richer. Dumbass.

My pain just shot up in my foot. This isn’t good. Maybe I will watch Money Pit again. That movie is a good distraction. I would like to read a chapter or two on my baseball book. I haven’t touched it since Monday. I want to try and set a limit on my social media time. I am finding it hard though. It provides me with a needed distraction throughout the day. I got the radio playing as silence was driving me nuts.

Just heard on the radio that a woman in New York wanted a $1 scratch ticket but the cashier rang her up for a $10 one. Not wanting to make a fuss, she paid it and won $5 million. Lucky.

Don’t know what is more distressing. That I have severe suicidal thoughts at night and forget about them in the morning or having the thoughts themselves and not acting on them when I don’t want to live. It also is distressing the severity of realizing I had such thoughts. I don’t recall having severe pain last night so not sure why I was in such despair. I know I wanted to write about it but decided to sleep instead.

Pain has been high most of the day, in spurts of a few hours. Last night my cousin called me. I just hear his ringtone and it annoys me. It was 2130 and he wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. But to him he said that I was frustrated, irritated, etc. I told him, no. I wanted to go to bed. He then told me to call him today when I woke up. I told him I sometimes am up at 7 did he really want me to call him? He said no, around noon would do. I literally was on the phone with him for a minute and thirty seconds. Like what the fuck! Don’t be wasting my time having me call you just for you to tell me you go things to do and you got to work tomorrow. I don’t fucking care. If he calls tonight, I am letting it go to voicemail. Some days I don’t mind talking to him but lately, he just has been annoying as fuck. If he doesn’t get a hold of me, he calls my mother. Or he’ll call my mother to find out where I am, like why can’t he call me? Why does he have to bother her? I hate that!! He acts just like his mother, my mother’s sister, who I can’t stand.

Protected: dark thoughts continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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new year’s eve eve

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

New year’s eve eve

I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.

My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.

I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??

I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?

I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.