Tag: suicide

pain relief and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

just got into it with my sister about me being on vicodin. she thinks that I should try another medication that isn’t addicting and that I won’t be addicted to. I have been so dizzy with this cold so I couldnt talk for a bit. I have dependence or some form of it but I can go a day or two with out meds because the pain is not bad. sometimes it CLAMMORS on me afterwards but I think since I have been taking Nyquil around the clock I don’t need the vicoden as much. but still I had a big fight with the pharmacy and I still didn’t get my “extra” like I wanted all because the doc wrote the damn thing wrong so I might run out of my meds AGAIN next month.  That really sucks when you run out of meds. I am hoping the temp change doesn’t fuck me up. I got to fix my window as it is letting a nice draft in my room. Damn thing won’t close unless I lock the window.

I am so sick of being called an addict when I am not!! I know I am not because all my meds would run out and I would be HIGH which I am not. I’m not looking for a good time when I want pain relief. I am not saying I want them just to feel good. I want them to stop my pain because if I don’t have my pain relief then I will kill myself and I am sure my family doesn’t want to visit a grave stone!!

My sisters know I have been suicidal at times. I just think that they think I have never attempted. I have NEVER told a soul except treatment workers. I think most of that is because I am embarrassed I failed and didn’t want to admit it to myself. And how do you bring it up? Not like you can sit down to dinner and say yea by the way, I overdosed on my meds last night and that was why I went to the hospital. Would not go over well. I just don’t have that kind of supportive family. They rather just throw it under the table than talk about it. Best is to forget it and move on. If I could do that, I wouldn’t need therapy anymore. all my problems would be forgotten…

Being ashamed about failing a suicide attempt is worse than anything you can imagine. it really hurts to still be alive after you were so sure it would work. Then to have to deal with life afterwards make you wish you were dead 10 times greater.

why the stigma in preventing suicide?

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

People always scramble when there is lightening but not for suicide prevention. Lightening takes less lives each year than suicide does. I think people don’t scramble because there still is this stigma that it won’t happen. People don’t want to acknowledge that suicide exists and if it doesn’t exist, why prevent it? The stigma is that you run into the old “every man has a choice”. People believe that suicidal people are just going to do it anyway so why bother preventing the inevitable. It happens to those that see it in the ER. Most people cannot fathom why someone would want to take their own life. They think life is so grand that nobody would want to take it. They believe in this bubble that if it doesn’t happen to me, it doesn’t happen at all. I have a cousin who thinks this way. She thinks that if she doesn’t pay attention to the bad stuff, maybe it won’t happen as often. She just wants to be happy all the time. There is nothing wrong with that but not acknowledging serious mental illness is a problem. They have to believe that there is always good things in their world for their sanity. Thomas Joiner, a psychologist that deals with suicidality believes that most suicide prevention would cost less if people actually believed it exists. In his book why people die by suicide, he proposes the risk of a bicyclist getting hit by a car over the prevention barrier of the SF bridge. More people die by suicide (30 per year) than someone dying by getting hit while riding a bicycle.

I think I understand why people are afraid. They still have it in their mind that suicide should not be talked about. If it is talked about then it is real. And if it is real, then something should be done to prevent it.  Unfortunately, not enough people think that suicide is real despite it climbing and it being in the top 10th percentile in the U.S.

sick

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sick

Seems whatever has been going around in my family, I got. Been running fevers and feeling awful.

 

I haven’t been thinking much about what to write on my blog. Yesterday I went to the neuro-opt for my eyes. They couldn’t find anything wrong so chances are the reason for my blurriness is caused by migraine activity. I will need to get new glasses and then hopefully that will solve the problem.

Seems like my birthday has been cancelled. I am bummed out. With Everyone being sick it wouldn’t make sense. I’m not much for being in a party mood anyways.

 

I have been craving a meatball and black olive pizza. I might order it today but I doubt I can eat it as my throat is so sore. It’s rainy out so no chance of me going outside. I feel too crappy anyways. I just drank some chamomile tea. I hope it makes me feel better.  I have to take a shower sometime today as I have been sweating on and off and just feel miserable. I’m hoping a shower will help, least the steam can help my nose. My temperature is climbing back up.

 

I might type up some article I wrote later today. Depends on if I feel up to it or not. Article has to do with the stigma of suicide.

validation and connectedness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

val·i·date

/ˈvæl ɪˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled [val-i-deyt] Show IPA

verb (used with object), val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing.

1. to make valid; substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions.

2.to give legal force to; legalize.

3.to give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to, as elected officials, election procedures, documents, etc.: to validate a passport.   

Taken from dictionary.com

 

This is the long version of what it means to be validated. That is what every suicidal person wants. To have that understanding and human connectedness of being validated, that they are not crazy or being patronized but what they are feeling. Without this essential human feeling, we feel we are being criticized and judged no matter how much sympathy or empathy is shown.

I recently posted a couple of vents about mental illness on my blog. I was looking for validation in what I was saying. And someone, a good friend of mine, gave me that, because she feels the same way I do about how damned the mentally ill can feel. To be validated in this sense is that she understood where I was coming from. She didn’t horseshit around the topic to try and make me feel better. She went on her own tyrant of feelings about the subject and that made me feel better.

But the best comment I got today was from a fellow blogger who thanked me for continuing to live because it gave him or her hope to do the same. That is why I write this blog. That is why I try to make this blog as painful as I feel it because I know someone out there is going to read it and feel the same way. And in that sense, he or she will hopefully feel connected to the world and want to stay in it long enough to do whatever.