Tag: suicide

another Vent

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.

I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide.  I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.

I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?

I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.

Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.

I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.

No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.

Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.

physical pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Physical pain and suicide

 

Past two weeks I have had two episodes of really bad physical pain that had me in tears and wanting to end my life. I didn’t do anything to spark this pain, such as dropping a brick on my foot or stubbing my toe. The pain went deeper than that. And despite taking pain medication, I still was in agony. People think that all you have to do is take a pill to make pain go away and most times it works. But what do you do when you have a condition that doesn’t allow for that?

I have what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS for short, in my left foot. I got it because of another long name diagnosis called Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. I got this former condition as a result of a ruptured disc when I was twenty-five. I didn’t know that it would result in the CRPS until now. Since I was twenty-five, I never learned how to walk correctly and pulled muscles that were not meant for walking. Because of this overuse, I developed CRPS after eleven years of dealing with CES. I have been suffering with CRPS for the past 2 years and it sucks. Every pain flare up feels like it is going to last forever. I am on disability because I can no longer work as a lab assistant. I can’t walk long distances, or stand too long on my feet, which working in the lab you do all the time. You are constantly getting up and down going to the different areas of the lab for the different testing that we do.

The pain started after I sprained my ankle on some ice in the winter of 2011. I went to several different doctors but no one could tell me what was wrong. All the x-rays, MRI’s, and physical condition of my ankle were normal except for some minor swelling near my peroneous muscles and tendons. It is when these get really swollen that I am in agony. As I am typing this, my foot feels really cold, like it is soaking in ice water. But to the touch, it is warm. I have a sock on it to prevent it from cramping. I have to protect my foot at all times from the cold to prevent cramps that are eye popping and then my foot becomes really sore. I don’t have any physical discoloration like typical CRPS. I think if I did I would have an easier diagnosis.

This pain drives me to suicidal crises every single time it flares up. The last time this happened was last week. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to die. I am almost out of my pain pills as I have been gobbling them up like candy to try and take control of my pain. I see my PCP next week to get something for flare ups. If he doesn’t do anything for me then I am afraid that things do not look good for me, at least mentally. I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist when I had this pain flare up. She understands the only time lately I become suicidal is when my physical pain becomes unbearable. And my pain is never during normal business hours. It is during the after hours, wee hours of the morning. I can be up all night because of pain. And no matter what I take, once it starts it seems never ending until exhaustion comes into play and I get some relief. Only then do I become a “different person mentally.” The events of the night before seem remote, like they happened to someone else. I guess you can say I dissociate from the pain and what is killing me.

Pain flare ups are hard to predict. Sometimes they come up when I do too much. Making cookies one time caused a flare up. Washing dishes will cause another. Standing more than a half hour for the bus will cause another. I never know what to do when I feel the pain coming on. My first instinct is to pop a pill and try and relax. After a bit I will take a muscle relaxer to prevent anxiety and spasms/cramps. Sometimes this will work, sometimes it won’t. It’s when it won’t that the suicidal self goes into play and all I can think about is death. I often play my fantasy of what the doctor will say if he doesn’t give me pain medication. That truly terrifies me. I often come up with me telling him to sign my death certificate, because that is what will happen. I can’t live with this level of pain every day. Right now it is not so bad. I have restarted another mood stabilizer and it seems to be helping but I still feel I need a longer acting medication that I can use for flare ups and to get me to sleep better. Because without the benefit of sleep, nothing is worth a dime.

grumpy today

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Still in a grumpy mood. My Pdoc has not called back yet and I don’t think she will. Today is Taylor’s birthday, which means in ten days, it will be mine. I am depressed and don’t know why. I restarted the trileptal, taking 300 mg at night and tomorrow I’ll start taking it in the morning and night. I hate doing this on my own but my doc trusts me and like I said she hasn’t called back yet or returned my email.

Got out of the house today to get some coffee. I am worried that if I didn’t I’d get a blood clot in my leg from inactivity. I’m drinking a Panama. It’s stronger than the Hawaiian and Blue Java I usually have. If I complete this writing project, I think I will buy the Hawaiian Ka’u rather than get my ring fixed.

My sisters have been asking me what I want for my birthday and Christmas. Every year for the past several, I have no idea. I had wanted the Nebraska and Ohio State hoodies but it doesn’t look like they will be getting me those. Other than that I really don’t know what I want except for my key lime cake, that I will be making.

I don’t know why I am so grumpy. I just woke up the other day like that and it has continued. I think it is because I haven’t been sleeping the past week. I woke up today with blurry vision in my left eye. It has now resolved. I can’t wait to see the neuro-opt guy next week. Next week is going to be busy because I see my pdoc Monday, therapist Tues and Wednesday, PCP Wednesday, and then the neuro-opt Thursday.

I changed all the ringtones for the different email accounts that I have. Now when one of them goes off I don’t know which account it is. Brilliant isn’t it? I am sure I will get used to the tone once more of them come in. I was tired of it all being the same ringtone. I never knew which account it was.

MG wants to renew tis writing project of ours. I am not sure I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong it has been fun and all but I just don’t know if I can write something every single day. I know I journal and all, but my blogging is different. I like that to have some meaning and lately I feel that it is just a picture of what my daily life is like than a specific topic or something else. I haven’t responded to her email yet; I just need time to think about it.

I just go dressed today, didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I have been meaning to at least brush my teeth but I just can’t muster enough energy to. I hate that everything I do takes so much out of me. I just want to die because there is no way I can handle being “old”.

I’m never getting a Panama again unless it’s iced. It tastes different hot. It’s making me nauseous but I don’t want another drink because the bus is on its way soon.

I had a bagel and candy bar for breakfast. That is all I have had the mood for eating today.

addmendum: Pdoc never called me back because she never got my page. I just got an email from her now.

my attempt story

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I have struggled with suicidality for most of my life. I first thought of ending my life when I was eight years old. I don’t remember why but just felt like ending my life would solve my problems. I never grew out of feeling this way.

I took my first attempt when I was sixteen. I tried several more times after this. I was in a dark hole and wanted to get out of it. My therapist of ten months told me she was moving out of state and that we would have to end. I was shocked and hurt. I felt like there was no one who could help me anymore. I didn’t understand that this was her thing and had nothing to do with me. I just felt like I was a hopeless case and my mood went from black to the abyss. I had to do something to get over these feelings and came up with trying to kill myself with an overdose. I planned it out so that I wouldn’t be stopped. The one thing I didn’t account for was getting sick on the pills I took. After this, I felt so empty inside. I felt like a complete failure and that nothing was ever going to change. I was a loser and was always going to be one. My life as I knew it was over. I have never felt so hopeless than what I did this time of my life. But this feeling of worthlessness was to follow me a couple years later.

My first attempt was when I was a sophomore in high school. My next attempt was after I graduated from high school and was supposed to start college. I never started college. I ended up in the hospital for the next six months, in and out, for suicidal thinking and for an attempt. I again attempted to take my life with a drug known to kill at high doses. I decided to take a tenth of the dose to see if it would work this time. In my intoxicated state, I called my therapist at the time to tell her what I was doing. Little did I know it would lead to a two month hospitalization.

After my hospitalization, I started college at a new school. It wasn’t the one that I wanted to go to but I needed to do something with my time. Having time on your hands is a bad thing when you suffer from depression. I started school and met someone that accepted me for who I was. At this time I felt like I was splitting. I didn’t think I could be whole again. I felt like no one would like me because I had scars on my wrist and if they found out how mentally sick I was, I was going to be labeled crazy. But meeting my friend from Nebraska changed all that. We became the best of buds and he truly saved my life. By accepting all parts of me, he showed me that I could be loved and accepted and truly cared for.