Tag: therapist

a rest day that wasn’t restful

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rest day that wasn’t restful

I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.

I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.

All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.

My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.

I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.

tolerate it

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Tolerate it

I had therapy today. She got my message about hopelessness and we discussed it for a bit. Until my ankle exploded in pain. I swear I thought the bones were going to shatter, that is how much it hurt. I told her I was in pain and she asked if there was an emotional component to it. I had to agree there was. Any time I feel strong emotion, my pain goes up. I had brought this to her attention maybe a year if not more ago and she still remembers. So we talked about the emotions I was feeling in the moment. She said that despite me having a good spell right now there could be relapse. I’m glad she is aware of this because it would kill me to go through this alone again.

After therapy, I shaved and took a shower. I shaved my underarms and hurt my left arm while shaving my right. I was already hurting from not sleeping all night. I wanted to take a nap after the shower but decided to eat something. I ordered Chipotle and it was a good meal, albeit cold. I didn’t care. It was still good. I decided to write this blog than sleep. I don’t think I can sleep anyways as my arm is still so damn sore. I had taken a pain med but now I think I need to take another one with an ibuprofen chaser.

I had two cups of coffee today to help keep me awake. I’ve also been drinking Gatorade to keep my fluids up as tomorrow I am going for a blood draw. I see my pcp tomorrow as well. I am going to have my knee looked at because after nearly a month since the fall, it is still hurting me. I don’t know if it is because it is bruised or if I did something to it. I hope it is just bruised. It is going to be a long day tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have plans for Wed. other than seeing my sister for her birthday. It will give me some time to rest.

I am getting my haircut tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I plan on getting it cut to a three on top. I probably will have to shower again. One of my dear friends called me today. We talked for about an hour. It was good catching up with her. She wants me to come over her house for Turkey day and Christmas. I don’t know if I will go both holidays. Maybe just Christmas this year. I don’t know. Depends on what my family is planning.

Yesterday, a beloved member of Red Sox Nation died from cancer. Today the great Aaron Beck died. He created CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. He was such a good psychologist. I am saddened by these deaths.

My left side hurts so much right now. I took my meds but it is going to be at least an hour before I feel somewhat better. I am thinking of having another cup of coffee or tea. My sister made a seven layer bar that is out of this world. I might have a piece with a cup of tea. I haven’t had a cup of tea in a great while. I will have it in my Sox mug that my brother in law gave me one Christmas. It is my favorite mug for tea. Might also warm me up. It is kind of chilly in my room with the temps going down now.

therapy and shoulder pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and shoulder pain

I was so damn tired today. I only woke up twice during the night. One to pee and the other because of shoulder pain. My med alarm went off and I wanted to throw my phone across the room. I shut it off but didn’t get up until an hour later when I had to pee again. I took my meds and used the bathroom. I was still tired so I just went back to bed. My hip was hurting me from the dampness. I didn’t wake up till almost twenty minutes before my therapy appointment. Yikes!

I quickly made a cup of coffee as I logged on to my laptop. Shoulder pain had calmed down. Therapy started a little early and we talked about dating as I joined a dating app and have been talking to someone. We talk about how great it is but at the same time I am apprehensive about them dealing with the medical side of me. It is very complex and I am on a lot of meds for the different conditions I have. I just am worried they are going to see me (if we meet in person) and I am going to be a turn off because I won’t be what they imagined I would be. I never thought someone would be interested in me because I am so hard with my esteem issues. We also talked about my shoulder issues. I told her the conflict I have with back PT and shoulder PT. I said that I want back PT because if I can’t move there is no way I can do shoulder therapy. She was okay with that then asked if I do the exercises outside of therapy. HA! I do them. But not usually all of them. The PT I have usually gives only three or four exercises rather than like 10 so it is easier to remember and do them but they will be the same exercises I have been doing for the past twenty years.

After therapy, I took a shower and shaved. It was the first time in a week that took one. I have been shaving but not showering. I still have to get my haircut. I am thinking of just getting it down to a three. I just am scared because I might end up shaving my whole head with it that low. I never done that before. I have had my hair really short, like whiffle short before but it has been a while since I have had it that short.

My lower back has been bothering me most of the damn day. Weather sucks. I don’t ever remember a year where we have had so much rain. It is going to be cloudy and rainy all week. I am just glad the temp isn’t colder or we would get snow. That would really suck. I don’t have to go out except to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I hate to go out in rainy weather. I used to love it. I rather have a cloudy day than sunny. My back does not like the rain though.

broken shoulder and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Broken shoulder and other things

My pcp got back to me late yesterday afternoon and scheduled me for an urgent care visit. I went this morning, which I didn’t want to get out of bed for. I am glad I went and had an x-ray because my shoulder has a fracture in it caused by a dislocation. The results said that it was prior but I don’t recall ever dislocating my shoulder before. I need to have an MRI done but there is a significant wait so I will be having a CT scan done on Monday, which means I need to reschedule my therapy appointment. I also need to see a shoulder specialist.

After the appointment, I was hungry and thirsty. I didn’t have anything to eat or drink when I got up because I got up really late and I had to catch the bus if I was to be at my appointment on time. I went to CVS and got a smoothie. I then went to the Square to go to Starbucks to grab a mocha and a sandwich before catching the bus home. I had to pick up my meds at the pharmacy so I went there before stopping home. I got out of breath when I got home. Stupid hill still makes me short of breath. I had to sit on my porch for a bit before going up the stairs. I was in a lot of pain when I got home from the exam and not taking any pain meds. I should have taken some with me but I didn’t think.

I am quite tired. Yesterday I woke up at 2 am and didn’t go to sleep again till around 2200 or so. It was a long day. I couldn’t think to write a blog so I just posted a pic of a puppy that I thought was cute. I had therapy yesterday. It went well. She was calling me out on shit and I was at one point like, is this Will Hunting?? She wanted me to take care of myself rather than rely on others for care as I’ve been neglected and abused for most of my childhood. I understood where she was coming from but it didn’t feel good to know that I had to do the caring from now on. That doesn’t sit well with me. I do take care of myself in other ways.

While I was at the urgent care, they took my blood pressure and my diastolic was high. I just took my blood pressure at home to see what it is and it is still high. Fuck. I might have to go back on the labetalol. I had stopped taking it because I didn’t think I needed it. My blood pressure has been good until now. Now I got to monitor it to make sure the high readings don’t continue. I am in a lot of pain so that maybe why my pressure is up. I haven’t given myself the T shot yet today that I am due for. I wanted to write for a bit before doing it. I am so tired. I plan on going to bed early tonight because starting Friday, my nights are going to be busy watching baseball and I need to be up to listen to the plays. Just hope I am wrong about them having days off and then playing. We need to win four games and it isn’t going to be easy with the Astros.