I had therapy today. She got my message about hopelessness and we discussed it for a bit. Until my ankle exploded in pain. I swear I thought the bones were going to shatter, that is how much it hurt. I told her I was in pain and she asked if there was an emotional component to it. I had to agree there was. Any time I feel strong emotion, my pain goes up. I had brought this to her attention maybe a year if not more ago and she still remembers. So we talked about the emotions I was feeling in the moment. She said that despite me having a good spell right now there could be relapse. I’m glad she is aware of this because it would kill me to go through this alone again.
After therapy, I shaved and took a shower. I shaved my underarms and hurt my left arm while shaving my right. I was already hurting from not sleeping all night. I wanted to take a nap after the shower but decided to eat something. I ordered Chipotle and it was a good meal, albeit cold. I didn’t care. It was still good. I decided to write this blog than sleep. I don’t think I can sleep anyways as my arm is still so damn sore. I had taken a pain med but now I think I need to take another one with an ibuprofen chaser.
I had two cups of coffee today to help keep me awake. I’ve also been drinking Gatorade to keep my fluids up as tomorrow I am going for a blood draw. I see my pcp tomorrow as well. I am going to have my knee looked at because after nearly a month since the fall, it is still hurting me. I don’t know if it is because it is bruised or if I did something to it. I hope it is just bruised. It is going to be a long day tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have plans for Wed. other than seeing my sister for her birthday. It will give me some time to rest.
I am getting my haircut tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I plan on getting it cut to a three on top. I probably will have to shower again. One of my dear friends called me today. We talked for about an hour. It was good catching up with her. She wants me to come over her house for Turkey day and Christmas. I don’t know if I will go both holidays. Maybe just Christmas this year. I don’t know. Depends on what my family is planning.
Yesterday, a beloved member of Red Sox Nation died from cancer. Today the great Aaron Beck died. He created CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. He was such a good psychologist. I am saddened by these deaths.
My left side hurts so much right now. I took my meds but it is going to be at least an hour before I feel somewhat better. I am thinking of having another cup of coffee or tea. My sister made a seven layer bar that is out of this world. I might have a piece with a cup of tea. I haven’t had a cup of tea in a great while. I will have it in my Sox mug that my brother in law gave me one Christmas. It is my favorite mug for tea. Might also warm me up. It is kind of chilly in my room with the temps going down now.
I was so damn tired today. I only woke up twice during the night. One to pee and the other because of shoulder pain. My med alarm went off and I wanted to throw my phone across the room. I shut it off but didn’t get up until an hour later when I had to pee again. I took my meds and used the bathroom. I was still tired so I just went back to bed. My hip was hurting me from the dampness. I didn’t wake up till almost twenty minutes before my therapy appointment. Yikes!
I quickly made a cup of coffee as I logged on to my laptop. Shoulder pain had calmed down. Therapy started a little early and we talked about dating as I joined a dating app and have been talking to someone. We talk about how great it is but at the same time I am apprehensive about them dealing with the medical side of me. It is very complex and I am on a lot of meds for the different conditions I have. I just am worried they are going to see me (if we meet in person) and I am going to be a turn off because I won’t be what they imagined I would be. I never thought someone would be interested in me because I am so hard with my esteem issues. We also talked about my shoulder issues. I told her the conflict I have with back PT and shoulder PT. I said that I want back PT because if I can’t move there is no way I can do shoulder therapy. She was okay with that then asked if I do the exercises outside of therapy. HA! I do them. But not usually all of them. The PT I have usually gives only three or four exercises rather than like 10 so it is easier to remember and do them but they will be the same exercises I have been doing for the past twenty years.
After therapy, I took a shower and shaved. It was the first time in a week that took one. I have been shaving but not showering. I still have to get my haircut. I am thinking of just getting it down to a three. I just am scared because I might end up shaving my whole head with it that low. I never done that before. I have had my hair really short, like whiffle short before but it has been a while since I have had it that short.
My lower back has been bothering me most of the damn day. Weather sucks. I don’t ever remember a year where we have had so much rain. It is going to be cloudy and rainy all week. I am just glad the temp isn’t colder or we would get snow. That would really suck. I don’t have to go out except to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I hate to go out in rainy weather. I used to love it. I rather have a cloudy day than sunny. My back does not like the rain though.
My pcp got back to me late yesterday afternoon and scheduled me for an urgent care visit. I went this morning, which I didn’t want to get out of bed for. I am glad I went and had an x-ray because my shoulder has a fracture in it caused by a dislocation. The results said that it was prior but I don’t recall ever dislocating my shoulder before. I need to have an MRI done but there is a significant wait so I will be having a CT scan done on Monday, which means I need to reschedule my therapy appointment. I also need to see a shoulder specialist.
After the appointment, I was hungry and thirsty. I didn’t have anything to eat or drink when I got up because I got up really late and I had to catch the bus if I was to be at my appointment on time. I went to CVS and got a smoothie. I then went to the Square to go to Starbucks to grab a mocha and a sandwich before catching the bus home. I had to pick up my meds at the pharmacy so I went there before stopping home. I got out of breath when I got home. Stupid hill still makes me short of breath. I had to sit on my porch for a bit before going up the stairs. I was in a lot of pain when I got home from the exam and not taking any pain meds. I should have taken some with me but I didn’t think.
I am quite tired. Yesterday I woke up at 2 am and didn’t go to sleep again till around 2200 or so. It was a long day. I couldn’t think to write a blog so I just posted a pic of a puppy that I thought was cute. I had therapy yesterday. It went well. She was calling me out on shit and I was at one point like, is this Will Hunting?? She wanted me to take care of myself rather than rely on others for care as I’ve been neglected and abused for most of my childhood. I understood where she was coming from but it didn’t feel good to know that I had to do the caring from now on. That doesn’t sit well with me. I do take care of myself in other ways.
While I was at the urgent care, they took my blood pressure and my diastolic was high. I just took my blood pressure at home to see what it is and it is still high. Fuck. I might have to go back on the labetalol. I had stopped taking it because I didn’t think I needed it. My blood pressure has been good until now. Now I got to monitor it to make sure the high readings don’t continue. I am in a lot of pain so that maybe why my pressure is up. I haven’t given myself the T shot yet today that I am due for. I wanted to write for a bit before doing it. I am so tired. I plan on going to bed early tonight because starting Friday, my nights are going to be busy watching baseball and I need to be up to listen to the plays. Just hope I am wrong about them having days off and then playing. We need to win four games and it isn’t going to be easy with the Astros.
I had a rough night of weird dreams. I dreamt of my sister in law who just died a few weeks ago. She had been on my mind recently and I guess she manifested in my dreams. In the dream, we were supposed to be going home. I was driving but no matter what road I took it was a dead end. I kept driving around in circles trying to find the street that would take me home and I couldn’t find it. My med alarm went off so I took my meds and then used the bathroom. I had my coffee and still felt sleepy. I had a bowl of cereal and then went back to bed. I slept for a few hours, dream free. I woke up still feeling tired but a little better. My mood was still in the gutter.
My therapist texted me this morning asking if she could see me today rather than tomorrow. I said ok. We met and it went ok. She had her dog in her lap so I got to see him for a bit. He is cute. We talked about my bladder issues but she didn’t get it. She didn’t validate me or understand what I was going through. I felt more depressed about it as we spoke. We talked about writing and being consistent with it. I think I am doing that with my daily blog writing. It has helped me with my anxiety a lot. It only helps a little bit with the depression.
I was very tired after session. I tried taking another nap but couldn’t. I got really bad gas pains in my chest. I keep burping which has relieving some of the pain but my stomach feels icky. I am kind of hungry. I think I am just going to have a bowl of cereal for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. I was able to brush my teeth this morning after I had my coffee. I need to shave my head and face but I am having trouble finding the energy to do it. I love the bald feel but it is a chore to shave every other day or so. I wanted to bring this up to my therapist but I felt like it would be vain of me.
My leg has flared up again. It has been hurting me most of the afternoon and now into the evening. I’ve been taking BT meds for it. It is almost time to take another dose. Also almost time to take my night meds. There is no game tonight so I plan on going to bed early. I haven’t read today so I might finish the chapter I was reading yesterday. I had to take a break from it because it upset me. This book has not been an easy read.
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