Tag: therapist

depression continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Depression continues

I had a rough night of weird dreams. I dreamt of my sister in law who just died a few weeks ago. She had been on my mind recently and I guess she manifested in my dreams. In the dream, we were supposed to be going home. I was driving but no matter what road I took it was a dead end. I kept driving around in circles trying to find the street that would take me home and I couldn’t find it. My med alarm went off so I took my meds and then used the bathroom. I had my coffee and still felt sleepy. I had a bowl of cereal and then went back to bed. I slept for a few hours, dream free. I woke up still feeling tired but a little better. My mood was still in the gutter.

My therapist texted me this morning asking if she could see me today rather than tomorrow. I said ok. We met and it went ok. She had her dog in her lap so I got to see him for a bit. He is cute. We talked about my bladder issues but she didn’t get it. She didn’t validate me or understand what I was going through. I felt more depressed about it as we spoke. We talked about writing and being consistent with it. I think I am doing that with my daily blog writing. It has helped me with my anxiety a lot. It only helps a little bit with the depression.

I was very tired after session. I tried taking another nap but couldn’t. I got really bad gas pains in my chest. I keep burping which has relieving some of the pain but my stomach feels icky. I am kind of hungry. I think I am just going to have a bowl of cereal for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. I was able to brush my teeth this morning after I had my coffee. I need to shave my head and face but I am having trouble finding the energy to do it. I love the bald feel but it is a chore to shave every other day or so. I wanted to bring this up to my therapist but I felt like it would be vain of me.

My leg has flared up again. It has been hurting me most of the afternoon and now into the evening. I’ve been taking BT meds for it. It is almost time to take another dose. Also almost time to take my night meds. There is no game tonight so I plan on going to bed early. I haven’t read today so I might finish the chapter I was reading yesterday. I had to take a break from it because it upset me. This book has not been an easy read.

haircut and shower exhausted me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Haircut and shower exhausted me

I had some energy this morning so I decided to get my haircut. When I came home I showered and now I am exhausted. I went to Starbucks for my mocha and something to eat. While walking back to the barber shop, I got winded and it took a while for me to catch my breath. I thought I was over covid but I guess not. It has been five months and I am still experiencing some side effects of the illness. Please, if you are reading this and haven’t been vaccinated, please get the shot.

I have been feeling depressed and my sleep has been awful. I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. It is pay week and I am worried about my finances. I already messed up and am overdrawn on my checking account. I thought I could pay all my bills with one check and I can’t. I need the supplemental pay I get from my long term disability claim to help with my bills. I still need to pay my cell phone and cable bill. I get paid tomorrow from the LTD so I won’t be in the negative but I will be down a hundred bucks. I should have some money to pay my sister back for the loan she gave me.

My therapist responded to the message I sent her about how to proceed in therapy. I asked her if we could just free associate rather than stick with a topic because I just am not motivated to work on my trauma right now. She said that we could do that if that will bring me in. I honestly was thinking of canceling next week’s session because I see it as pointless. I just am not really in the mood to talk about stuff. I just feel kind of stuck and don’t want to do anything. I have been reading so my concentration hasn’t been affected. My appetite has been sort of ok. I am eating less than what I should be eating. The other day all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure for the entire day. I just am not eating calories to get through the day. I am drinking fluids though because I have to make sure my bladder is empty every four hours, two if I drink coffee. I am so frustrated with the discharge. I am glad I am seeing the surgeon tomorrow because I can’t take wearing pads anymore. It has been five weeks that I have been wearing it and they are starting to irritate me.

My neurologist granted my request for lidocaine patches for my nerve pain on my thigh. I am so glad. I had a box of them but they expired years ago so I had to toss them. I am going to try and put them on my shin where most of my pain is most days. I don’t know if it will work because the skin is so sensitive it might hurt. I can no longer where socks that are thigh high. The elastic hurts me.

I have an easy week next week with just one appointment to see my therapist. I just put some money on my T pass so I might go to Starbucks to read or write while having my mocha. I meant to bring a book today but I forgot. It’s hard when I don’t carry a bag. I forget things. I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap and then make a black bean burger for lunch/dinner. Hope I can sleep and not have weird fucking dreams. Last night I dreamt I was with my cousins and was laying in their bed after they made it. I don’t remember the reason I was there. But it was just weird.

five weeks post op and in bad mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Five weeks post op and in bad mood

Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.

I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.

I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.

I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.

My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.

I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.

why does therapy have to be so hard

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Why does therapy have to be so hard?

why does therapy have to be so hard? I have a good therapist but just feel a disconnect with her and it makes it so damn hard to go to therapy because of it. also she wants sessions to be productive and i am just not motivated. with her for 2 yrs now. just don’t see the point. Yesterday I left after fifteen minutes. She said she couldn’t hold me here so I said let’s schedule for next week and she did. I said bye. This is the first time a therapist let me leave the session early. She texted me later on that afternoon as she had a conflict with the time she gave me, she had to change it. So I said ok it is fine and hope to see you. She asked why hope? I frankly said I don’t care for therapy anymore and want to quit. I am not suicidal just very depressed. If she wants me to have productive sessions that is just burdening me because I am not motivated to be productive all the time. I know I have issues but it takes a lot for me to deal with them. This therapist isn’t the inviting type so I am put off by her stance of sure just leave if you don’t want to be here. I just feel like she doesn’t care if I am there or not. I am struggling to be present in therapy and this is just making it harder to go.

I had my appointment with my pcp today. It went ok. He wants to see me in three months unless something comes up and I need to see him sooner. I woke up late so didn’t have my coffee so after the appointment I did. I had two cups and wanted to sleep but my B&B went out of whack and I kept going to the bathroom.

I just had a lovely webinar with Dr. Suzanne Koven about writing. It was wonderful. Just writing twenty minutes a day has been shown to help ease anxiety and stress. I am glad I do this blogging every day as it does help me. Dr. Koven is a brilliant writer. I enjoyed listening to her tonight.