Tag: therapy

ramblings 355

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 355

My brother in law made some shrimp scampi and I had some. I really shouldn’t have but it was good and I over ate. I really wanted to stay up till 2100 but I couldn’t. I ended up going to sleep around 2030. I had to take my antibiotic so I didn’t sleep too well. Around 2300, the light in the hallway was on. I figured my mother had gone downstairs to use the bathroom. I listened carefully but didn’t hear anything. Then I started thinking the worse and that woke me up. I took my antibiotic and then went downstairs to see if she was okay. She was. She had watched a movie and then decided to empty the dishwasher.

I used the bathroom and then tortured my mouth again by brushing and using the rinse. My gums are starting to feel better but brushing my teeth is still kind of sore. I’m glad my gums aren’t bleeding anymore. I went back up to my room and I was awake. I couldn’t go back to sleep. Then my ankle started acting up. I took my pain meds with some water. I hope my prescription is ready to be picked up tomorrow because I only have a few pain meds left. Damn medical assistant got my strong pain med and regular one mixed up. She thought it was the same thing. Oi. Dumbass. It’s like saying Amoxicillin and Penicillin are the same thing. Sure, they are the same class of meds but they work differently. I don’t get it. I thought you had to pass a pharmacology course to be a medical assistant. I guess they don’t stress that anymore.

After I see the dentist tomorrow, I will call my PCP’s office to see if my script is ready to be picked up. If I have to camp my ass in the office to get it done, I will. I can’t be without my pain meds. That will just not be good.

I had slept for most of the day because I was up most of the night. Now it seems like I will be up most of the night again. I am just not tired because my mother freaked me out and gave me a scare. I don’t know why she emptied the dishwasher at 2300. She sounded okay so she wasn’t in a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) state. She does weird things. I am just glad she is sleeping now. She can sleep at the drop of a hat. I can’t. It takes a long while for me to get to sleep.

One of my Twitter friends suggested that I write a blog about how therapists are picky about the clients they choose. He said it would be a powerful blog. I have been thinking about it but I really don’t know where to start. I have seen so many therapists over the years but none of them have rejected me because of my suicidality or hospitalizations. It’s trying to find a new therapist that is the problem. I will write it, eventually. I have a lot to say on the matter as I am pissed off about not being able to find someone for the reasons I stated. Makes me really wonder why they chose clinical mental health and not some academic position. Makes no sense.

ramblings 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 321

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am and then woke up every two hours. I gave up around 8 and stayed up for a little while and then took a nap until around 1. I was so tired. The therapist that I was looking forward to seeing was a bust. I was “too sick” for the organization. I am bullshit. Just another drop to my self-esteem about how the mental health field thinks it’s all rosey and no one needs to be suicidal or have psychosis or hospitalizations. What a joke.

I emailed my psych with the news. I see her Friday. I told her I guess I am stuck with my dipshit therapist for now. I am too exhausted to search for new therapists. He is on vacation next week so I have another break from him. I might email him with something sarcastic about how I felt about yesterday’s session. I am still processing it.

Last night I asked my brother in law about ceiling fans as I think the one in my room is on its way out. Over the weekend, it started making noises. I have been using it non stop all summer as it helps circulate the AC air. I have it on its lowest setting right now. He said he will look at it today to see what the problem is. I hope I don’t have to get a new one. I have a low ceiling so I need one that is similar to the one I have. I was looking at Amazon and they actually have someone to install it for you. Score. I think I found one that would be good. I want one light not multiple like my current one. I really just use two lights of the four anyways because otherwise, the room is way too bright. I mostly use my desk lamp anyways.

I am feeling pretty crappy, both physically and mentally. My ankle and mouth are still giving me grief. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and it hurt to chew. Mentally I am just exhausted from all the chronic pain that I have been feeling. I just want to give up. I just muddle through the day and am always exhausted. My mother is making zucchini for supper. She is baking it rather than frying it. It’s my favorite squash in the summer and I don’t even care to eat it. I’m just really bummed that I was turned down to that therapy organization because of the severity of my mental illness.

A fellow blogger was telling me about how she had published her book, free, through a website called Lulu.com. She said in the blog that they would distribute the book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Seeing as my second book isn’t selling, I decided to have it on this site. http://www.lulu.com/shop/g-collerone/darkness-always-wins-short-stories-about-mental-illness/paperback/product-23287461.html
The process was way more easier than Amazon’s CreateSpace process. Maybe because I had already done the formatting and things it was easier, I don’t know. I just know that I clicked on this, uploaded, wrote a few things, and boom, published. They are selling my book at a lower rate than Amazon and the royalty is not the same. I get less than three bucks per book sold. But if it helps people get my book out there, I am for it.

I went to Walgreens as I had to pick up my prescription. My brother in law was leaving the house at the same time and offered me a ride. Given my ankle has been hurting me all day, I took it. I didn’t want to aggravate it and be in more pain. He had a few other errands so I went along. I didn’t leave the vehicle except for Walgreens. I had left my wallet at home so I couldn’t get anything even if I wanted it. Even though I didn’t walk around or anything, I am still tired. I just want to nap but yesterday I did that and then I was up all fricken night. I just couldn’t sleep. I was so tired but just couldn’t sleep. Every time I laid down, my ankle/foot went berserk on me.

My brother in law came up a little while ago. He said the blades of the ceiling fan are loose. He needs to take the thing apart to tighten it up. Tomorrow. So maybe I don’t need to get a new ceiling fan after all. One less expense.

tiring but good therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tiring but good therapy session

I woke up around 0630 in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing the shit out of my foot, for which purpose, I have no clue. It just hurt really bad. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t wake up past 1300. I woke up a few minutes before noon. My jaw was hurting me so I took some ibuprofen. I washed up and told my mother I would be home late as I had therapy. I just said I had an appt. She asked where and that was it.

I left for Starbucks and then I quickly wanted to go back to bed. I just ran out of gas walking to the bus stop. I put on music to try and stay awake. The bus came and I placed my order for Starbucks. They didn’t have my donuts so I ordered a sandwich. I wasn’t sure how my jaw was going to handle it but I did ok, being careful not to chew on that side. I was getting sleepier as time past and I regretted not cancelling my therapy appt. I had emailed my therapist before going to bed last night asking him about his expertise in PTSD matters. I got a response while at Starbucks that “we’ll talk about it during our session”. Fucking give me a damn answer asshole.

I wrote in my journal for a bit and then a friend texted me. We talked until it was time for me to leave to see dipshit. She sometimes annoys me because she doesn’t follow the texts or maybe dissociates and forgets what I said. I don’t know. I just hate when she asks a question to something I already answered. I got to my therapist office and told her I would talk to her later.

So I went in to see my therapist and we discussed the email. The whole session was about my cauda equina syndrome, surgeries, how I was treated, how my ankle was treated (or rather not treated), and the panic attack that lead to the ER visit last week. He wanted me to distract when I am panicky and not think about catastrophizing things in the back of my head. He understands that this is easier said than done. But the jerk didn’t answer the question as to his expertise to PTSD. He just said we just need to talk about it. I was annoyed but I liked his feedback about trying stuff. The hard part is, I already distract and try to calm myself but it doesn’t work 100% of the time.

I left the session feeling like he understood me but is still not willing to help me, now that I have had time to think about it. It’s frustrating the hell out of me. The place that I want to be seen at sent me an email but because it got filtered to my junk, I didn’t get it until now. Great. Another day of email tag. My therapist was very keen on noticing that I like to be in control of my health care and finding the care that I need. I so wanted to say, including with you but kept my mouth shut. My jaw was really hurting when I left from talking almost the entire session. I didn’t have any water with me so I couldn’t take my pain meds. I think I need to go back to the dentist to see if this pain is normal or something else is going on.

As I was walking to the train station, a million things were running through my mind. I wanted to write all of it down but I really wanted to go home and chill. The train was late so took a while to get to the Square. My brother in law called me saying he made a pasta dish. I said I would have some when I got home. He didn’t say it was with chickpeas. They don’t agree with me so I had an Ensure. I wanted the other nutritional drink but it went bad. I need to throw the three cases away. Such a waste. They were on my porch and when we had scorching heat, they must have turned bad. I’m not that hungry anyway because I am in so much pain.

My thoughts about the session are still lingering so I might write more about it later. I am really tired so I am going to take my meds and hopefully have a good sleep. I just hope my ankle doesn’t flip out later. It has been good the past few hours. The weather is cooler than it has been so I think that may be why.

therapy and food shopping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and food shopping

I woke up before my alarm went off. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. I thought about a shower but opted against it. I called my psych and spoke to her for a bit. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her it varies. Right then, I was okay and kind of looking forward to therapy as I needed someone to talk to. She welcomed the idea. She then said see you Friday and I agreed to meet with her then.

My niece came by to collect her phone. My crazy cousin came with her. She was spewing the latest health bullshit. Swimming helped her friend get off all her psych meds so she is going to try it. She then listed all of the benefits. Nothing I hadn’t heard or read before. Then she started yapping away about anything and everything. All that kept going in my mind was, when are you going to fucking leave???!!! She said she had to go to the cemetery to visit her grandmother as it was her birthday. She left, my niece leaving with her. I went back upstairs to my room. I was tired but didn’t want to sleep. I got dressed and caught the next bus.

I spent most of the afternoon at Starbucks before my therapy appointment. About three minutes before he was to call me in, I wanted to bolt. I don’t know why I get that way. I didn’t leave and met with him. I didn’t know what to talk about with him. I know we talked about the hospital and then he said I was angry. I was like yea, I am because I went to get help and didn’t get it. Then he said you get that a lot don’t you. I nearly flipped on him at that point but kept my mouth shut. I didn’t say anything. Actually, I don’t think I spoke for the rest of the session. Before leaving he said we’ll be meeting next week and then he will be on vacation. Fine with me. Take the rest of the month off. I don’t care. He is so useless to me. I just see him to waste money, like I do everything else in my life. I honestly don’t know why I see him.

After therapy, I got to the square and caught the bus to a Stop and Shop that was closer to my house. It was really warm today and my back was hurting me. I had to get deli meat and of course there was a line. You couldn’t put in an order and continue shopping. The number was 137 and I had 142 so I didn’t have to wait too long. Unfortunately, things that I wanted were on the other side of the store. My foot got a spasm and I knew I had to hurry up or I was going to pay for it. My back didn’t like standing for twenty minutes. I was dragging by the time I got everything I needed and left. I then went to Walgreens to get my scripts and my order. I was sweating really bad, so bad that my sunglasses kept sliding down on my face. I basically crawled home because my foot felt like I was walking on rocks. I need to get cushions for my AFO (ankle foot orthotic).

I came home and collapsed into a chair. I asked my mother to get me some water but she didn’t know how to operate the 2.5 gallon jug so I had to get up and get myself the water. I then had the dinner she made before putting the groceries away. Tomorrow I will have a nice turkey and cranberry wrap. I bought flaxseed lavish bread. I usually don’t buy it because I am the only one that likes it and I usually end up eating just one or two in the pack. Maybe I will make some scrambled eggs and roll them up in the bread. It’s not a flour tortilla but close enough.

I was drenched so decided to shower. I had peed myself anyway as my underwear was really wet with pee and sweat. My foot did not like it and cramped on me while I was washing my hair. I didn’t care. I was going to use the new bath gel that I bought but I needed a quick shower so just used my regular soap, rinsed, and dried. I went up to my hot room and quickly turned on the AC. Before I went on my bed, I took my meds and grabbed my phone so I didn’t have to get up again. As my laptop booted up, I took my pain meds. I hadn’t taken any since this morning. I didn’t bring them with me while I was out.

Needless to say, I am exhausted. Next week I hope to catch a later bus because the 1200 is too early and I get bored by 1400. There is only so much journal writing I can do before my mind wanders. I hope I sleep tonight but I am in a lot of pain so I might now. I got my Ka’u coffee grounded so I will have that tomorrow. I am not planning on going out tomorrow unless espresso calls me. I got to call the dentist and verify that my appointment with him is on this Thursday. I think she said the 3rd but I want to make sure.