Tag: transgender

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.

Christmas Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Day 2018

I had a difficult morning/early afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I was sick and kept waking up more than a few times during the night. My alarm went off for my meds and it took me at least 45 minutes to take them because I didn’t want to get up. I was just feeling horrible. My throat felt fine but I had no voice. I tried voicing something in my room but no sound came out. I canceled therapy for tomorrow. Talking to my hard of hearing mother was a joke. If one word came out she thought I was joking that I couldn’t talk and then called me a liar. I had to walk away from her, with my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t give her the finger. Dinner was taking forever because our oven was not working right. She made a cake yesterday and it came out fine so therefore nothing was wrong with the oven. My niece tried to make the ham and the oven temp was half what it should be. She is impossible!!

I went downstairs to get away from her. I really wish I was well so I could have escaped to my friend’s house. I just thought it out. My friend was going to pick me up around 130 and I would just leave and then when they called looking for me, I’d say oh, yea, my friend invited me to dinner see ya! But this damn cold prevented that from happening. UGH!! All in all, it was a good day until my ankle bone exploded and then was hammered. I wanted a shot of whiskey so I hunted my room for a shot glass and in the process found a couple of things that I had misplaced. I put them where I would remember them and then went to my night stand to get a shot glass where I found one with dust bunnies. I cleaned the glass and had half a shot. Still smooth and sweet. I could finish it off but not sure that would be wise with pain meds.

A dear friend came over to give me a gift. Before he left, we had a half shot. I so wanted another and another. This is why I don’t drink because I can binge drink when I can, especially if I like something. I think beer is probably the only thing I cannot binge. I still feel crummy but maybe the whisky will help the vocals and I will have a voice tomorrow.

I had a TG experience tonight. I told my bro in law’s mother that my name is G. My mother was sitting next to her and told her that she refuses to call me that because for 40 years she called me my birthname and she is not going to start calling me G. She used female pronouns referring to me. I hate this woman so much. She does not give a damn about me. I am so tired of her not looking at me as her son. I said something about this the other day as I called from my second phone and she didn’t recognize the number. She asked who it was and I said your son. She was so confused. And now this. I don’t get why she is like this. You can say it is the generation bullshit but I was always under the assumption that a parent was to unconditionally love their child. There seems here there are conditions to her love and I don’t like it at all.

Transition day 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in transgender

Hi all,

With me feeling ill, I forgot to do a blog. If you want to follow me on Instagram, I am @midnightdemon7. I sometimes forget to post here as I do no want my pic on my blog.

My leg hair is thicker and less straggly. It is more uniform. With my mood stabilizer being decreased, I am having more energy so that has been good. I still have lost feminine features in my face. No facial hair growth but my side burns are longer and thicker. My eyebrows are as well. My barber noticed when i got my haircut the other day.

I haven’t hadn’t anymore voice changes. I seem to sound the same to me. I have been shaving my moustache to have it come in thicker and darker I hope.

The muscles have been fine since my last post. I had my shot a few days ago. It is getting easier to do. Guess that is all for now.

Lots of things and crashing after

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mood disorders, psychache, transgender

Lots of things and crashing after

I woke up around 5 for some reason that I don’t remember now. I think I was in pain as I remember taking a pain med. I was hoping this was not going to cause me to be in bed all day as I really wanted to change my sheets. I fell back to sleep and hoped for the best.

I woke up with my med alarm blaring. I felt okay. I definitely needed coffee. I was hungry. That was the first time in three weeks I woke feeling hungry. Maybe my sodium was back up. I still feel better but kind of sluggish. I went downstairs after stripping the bed and then used the bathroom. I made breakfast and coffee. My mother wanted a cup so I made her one as well. I found this transgender article and was totally confused by it because it is not how I felt. But I decided to leave it where it was so I could read it later. After I ate, I put the throw in the dryer and then the blanket in the washer. I just had the sheets to do.

I went back upstairs to find my sheets. Before I put them on, I duct taped the corners of the top of my mattress so the damn foam topper wouldn’t go anywhere. I hoped anyway. My back was giving me grief. I had taken a shower before I got upstairs. I had shaved, too. I was sweating by the time I wrestled with the sheets. I was trying to even out the top sheet I didn’t bother to tuck it in. Then I got the comforter and the pillowcase. I put the comforter on and the pillowcase on the pillow. I couldn’t find the extra pillow case for the pillow that goes between my knees. I said fuck it. My back was killing me, I was wiped out, I felt like I was going to pass out and I did. I slept for three fricken hours. I guess the sodium isn’t as high as it should be. I know it is getting there as I am kind of feeling better. The big test is that I am getting my groceries tomorrow. If I survive that without sleeping for the day, I guess I am doing better. If I sleep all day, then I am still fatigued from the low sodium.

I read this article https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/24/opinion/sunday/vaginoplasty-transgender-medicine.html. And it was a MTF. I honestly have not come across too many trans that feel this way. I certainly have never felt this way but I am not going to have phalloplasty. It is a complex surgery and I just do not want to go through with it. I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard. The things raised in this article scare me because I don’t ever want my hormones to be in jeopardy. I know that losing my breasts has to be dealt with. I have thought about it so many times. I mean, I am sort of attached to them. I wish they never were formed so I didn’t feel that way but now that they are sort of shrinking slowly, I am glad. It was a huge part of my dysphoria to have breasts when I didn’t want them. I know eventually, I will have to have top surgery and getting a good surgeon is key because I have heard horror surgeries where the surgeon doesn’t care and just does a bad job. Granted this was just in the UK, but I am hoping to find one in the Boston area that is considerate and doesn’t cause nerve damage or anything. That is further down the road as I am not there yet. I don’t know if I can talk about this with my therapist or not. He doesn’t seem to know a lot about transgender and I am kind of pissed because on the website I found him at, said that he did. I am not sure if I will have to find another therapist to deal with the dysphoria or not.

This female is having doubts about getting surgery to have a vagina implanted. I don’t understand why she would go through something like that if it is going to cause her more emotional pain than what she is already in. And I still cannot believe a surgeon would do it when there are doubts. I am not saying my transition has made me bone fide happy, but it has relieved a lot of the tension I was feeling not going through the transition and having to wait so much from the LGBT clinic and then I met my doctor and she is all like when do you want to start. Like seriously, in one visit, I am on hormones. I understand the LGBT taking things slow and working things out but I have known the last ten fricken years, maybe more than that, that I am NOT a fucking female. I am a fucking male. I hate getting misgendered! It really drives me crazy and Microsoft doesn’t recognize misgendered. How fucking lovely.

I have my shot this week. I am excited because I get to do the selfies and post a little bit about changes. Honestly, other than thicker leg hair, there hasn’t been much since last week. I keep getting complimented on the facial changes but I don’t see them week to week. Sure from day 1 to now I do but I think if I lose weight, it will be more prominent. I think I have lost some weight since I haven’t been eating regularly with the whole sodium thing. I really have just been sleeping a heck of a lot.

I see my psychiatrist this week. I am glad because I miss seeing her. I hate these monthly meetings but she is always a page or email away if I really need her. I don’t know what they are going to do about my mood stabilizer. I see my pcp Wed to get my blood redrawn to check levels. Then go from there. I really hate that I have to taper my drug but I don’t know if it is just to taper to a lower dose or off the medication entirely. And I am starting to feel that woozy feeling again, which means I am going to crash soon. I am over a 1,000 words. So I guess that is good for the day. God I can’t wait till this is resolved!