Monday’s thoughts 10082020
I am wearing my old Sox hat hoping it brings them luck tonight. I have been wearing it all day. I had therapy today and it was a tough session. My therapist is such a CBT therapist, which I like but I didn’t know how annoying they can be. She had me set a goal before we ended. I am to call depression a liar essentially. It is going to be tough to do because depression is deceiving. It tells me lies that I am a jerk and an asshole that has no base but I believe it because I feel so bad so I must be. I also feel guilty for no reason and worthless. I almost canceled therapy today because I felt hopeless. I knew my therapist wouldn’t allow it so I didn’t even text her. I was in a why bother mood. I did tell her I wanted to cancel because I was hopeless and she wanted to know why. She also wanted me to think differently but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. I am just not a cognitive thinker.
I am listening to the ball game. They are tied at 4 in the 6th. Sox were leading the game 4-1 but an error cost us some runs. Going to be a long night if they don’t score some runs in the next few innings. Update, Sox are losing 8-5 right now. It is the bottom of the 8th and I don’t think they will come back so I shut the game off so I can continue to write without being distracted.
I am having the hardest time writing tonight. I keep getting distracted. I am trying to stay on point but my brain is out to lunch. My therapist said that she will be off next week and I had some anxiety about it. I hope it is just a week she is off and not two because I really want to talk to her the week of my surgery. I am having so much anxiety about it. I also am getting cold feet about it. I have the choice to keep things the way they are but I will feel yucky all the while with headaches and fatigue when doing stuff like making a sandwich or taking a shower. I hate that I have no energy most days and that just walking to the end of the street and back leaves me winded. I am scared that after surgery I might be in worse shape than I am in now. I know there will be some recovery but fuck, I don’t want to feel that weakness I did in the beginning. Of course, there is nothing I need to be doing but resting and recovering. I have no job other than keeping this blog going. I will try and write if I am up to it while in the hospital but meds might not make it possible.
Ankle has been bothering me the past few hours. The ankle bone has been really sore and throbbing. I took my breakthrough med but it hasn’t done anything. I might have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. I find that it helps level things so I am not spooning my feet. I find that it helps. Only problem is that the pillow sometimes ends up on the floor in the morning.