Category: Bipolar Disorder

Not Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Done

The Patriots played the AFC Championship game and won! Now they are off to Minnesota to play in the SuperBowl. I am not sure when that is as I am not a football person. I think it is 4 Feb but I could be wrong. It usually is played in Feb, as far back as I can recall.

My mother made a huge gravy. When I went downstairs and started making coffee, she asked if I could open seven cans of tomatoes. She has trouble with the can opener and I told her I will open the cans for her if she promises not to use the new can opener I bought. It’s not the best and she has done something to it so I need to get a new one. Maybe I will order a new one on Amazon, an electric one as ours broke and we haven’t replaced it yet. Neither of us goes shopping anymore, least not in stores. I do mine online and my mother orders from catalogs.

After the game, I wanted to go back to my room but my mother wanted me to see if the ribs were done. I checked one and it was soft. I checked another one to be sure and the damn thing went flying spraying me and the floor with gravy. I was not fucking happy. I cleaned up and decided to shower rather than go upstairs. I had gravy all over my clothes. I took a shower and my ankle went berserk. It’s still hurting.

I am kind of tired. Before the game, I went to Walgreens and then the bakery. I wanted to get some bread but they closed at 1300. I’ll have to get it tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. It was warm and I wore a Pats shirt that I swear is not breathable. I was sweating by the time I came home.

I’ve had the RAM I need for my laptop in my Amazon cart. It was supposed to be “in stock” Jan 26. Now it won’t be until the 30th. I might get the hard drive as it is close to the same price. Only thing is, I want to see if the RAM solves the memory issues first. I would also have to back up my documents and stuff on my laptop before I did any work with the hard drive. That shouldn’t take long as it is just copy and pasting. I just hope installing the drive is not as hard as I am imagining it. From looking at the manual, it seems easy enough but I’ve never done it before, least not with a newer laptop. I still need to get a connection wire for my old laptop so it will work again. I kind of miss it. I think next month I will have enough money to bring it to the shop to see what is wrong with it and then go from there. It might just be a dead screen and I don’t know because I’ve never messed with hardware before.

Anyways, once I have a bigger hard drive, I will be able to install some software that I want. I might have to buy the latest EndNote version. The last version I bought was X6. I think they have X11 out now or maybe later. It keeps track of my bibliography. It’s not a pressing software I need because I don’t write papers anymore, least not that often but it’s nice to have so that Word and it can communicate. It has a nice link feature where you can cite as you type and makes the bibliography for you. It was a godsend when I found it. I wish I had it when I was taking my archeology class. I needed to cite 20 articles and it was a pain doing it by hand, in the format that the professor required. EndNote does all of that for you. It’s a beautiful software.

Saturday blog 20 Jan 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20 Jan 2018

I managed some sleep after 0330, though I woke up every 2 hours or so. I woke up feeling like shit. It was around 10 and even though my med alarm went off to remind me to take my morning meds, I hadn’t taken them yet. I took them and then went to use the bathroom. I missed the bus to the Square. My mother was on the phone with my sister and she asked her if she would take me to the grocery store. She said she would. I decided to go have coffee at her house to try and wake up. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee.

I went to the grocery store and it was packed. Not that unusual for a Saturday. I got the things my mother wanted and found the things I needed that I would get later that week as it was much cheaper than what I was getting online. Came home and needed a nap after I put everything away. I slept for an hour and a half. My mother made dinner, which was ready by the time I woke up.

I am feeling really tired and out of it because of my fractured sleep last night. I am not in horrible pain and I hope it stays that way. I am going to take my night meds soon and then go to sleep. I think I will read a chapter first as I haven’t had the time to read at all today.

every little thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Every little thing

Having a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. What a surprise. I stayed up till the Neurontin knocked me out around 0700. I took my morning meds so the alarm wouldn’t wake me in two hours. I was having a weird dream. I was in the Oval Office with the Orange Buffoon and the Charmed Ones. Piper used an axe to cut his head off while there was a cabinet meeting going on. I walked to the basement of some sort and then woke up, shaking my head.

I had woken up to the sound of my med alarm going off for my pain meds. I was still in pain but in a Neurontin fog. I needed espresso and I was going to get some. I took a shower, which my ankle enjoyed (NOT). I was feeling so depressed and suicidal because this is the 4th day in a row of suicidally intense pain. The pain was kind of lower than it had been after I took the extra dose of Neurontin so I figure getting espresso would be a risk worth taking. Plus I wanted to get burgers for supper.

I timed the shower and the bus schedule just right. I rested a few minutes after my shower to get dressed to catch the bus. It came within 9 minutes. The bus was mostly empty so I think that was why it was so fast. Usually I have to wait 10-15 minutes when it leaves the station. I brought my own cup for the espresso. I am trying to go green this year so I plan on bringing a mug or cup with me for my Starbucks drinks, if I am able to remember. It’s a work in progress so I can’t do the mobile ordering for now.

I couldn’t stay seated after I had my sandwich and some of the espresso. I kept looking at things to buy. They had my coffee, Casi Cielo back. I will get that next week. I also looked at some French presses. They had a really nice one but it was $50. I will get the $20. They also had a nice mug and am thinking of getting it next week. The mug was 16 oz, which is their grande size. I usually like the venti, which is 20 oz. I had bought a nice 20 oz stainless steel thermal mug that I absolutely love but having a smaller size would be nice. It was on clearance for like $10 so I might get it if they still have it. They didn’t have the French press mug that I saw. I tried to find it online but I think the Starbucks store is closed and you can only get it at the locations. I might have to go around as different locations have different stuff. I found they had the straws for my cup so I got that. Those are hard to find so I am glad they had them.

I wrote about one page in my journal before it was time to go to the butchers to get the burgers. I like getting it from there rather than Stop and Shop because it is fresher. They had ground beef on sale but you had to buy like 3-4 pounds for the deal. I didn’t need that much meat. I looked at the steaks as I haven’t had one in a while. I wanted a bones Angus one but they didn’t have it so I got a London broil. It was a huge piece. I asked my mother if she wanted some for supper tomorrow night or if she wanted me to freeze half of it. She doesn’t usually like steak. She said she wanted it and I could tenderize it with the hammer. OK, whatever. I’ll figure that out tomorrow.

Came home and was minding my own business while my pain went berserk on me. I took a strong pain pill and then because the pain was so intense, I got an anxiety attack. So I took some Ativan. About a half hour later I hear someone scream at the top of their lungs my mother’s name. It was my psycho aunt. She literally made me jump and I didn’t know if my mother was sick or what. My mother was thankfully okay and the fucking idiot was just yelling to let her know she was here. Fucking pissed me off. The idiot locked all the doors as she came up the stairs and guess who had to go back down to unlock them?? Not like my foot hurt or anything. Damn bitch. She was talking so damn loud the whole time she was here for like 2 hours or so I could swear the neighbors could hear her. It was getting on my nerves so I put some music on. Then the visiting nurse came for my mother. Even in her “normal” voice I could hear my aunt as she talked to the nurse, in my room with the door closed! Like nails on chalk board. I couldn’t wait for the nurse to leave so I could make the burgers. I was getting hungry.

The nurse left and within a few minutes, so did my loud mouth aunt. Burger time! I made two for myself and one for my mother. I have one patty left. I will have that for lunch tomorrow. Burgers were good. I loaded mine up with pickles, cheese, and mustard, the three things I love on a burger. I was very tired after I cooked and finished eating. I think the meds made me tired. Hopefully tonight I will sleep through and won’t wake up between 3 and 6 am.

The weekly special papers came, There are some sales my mother wants. I told her I would go to Market Basket tomorrow. She wants some chuck steak as it’s on sale. If I get it, I won’t get the eggs because they might break on the ride home. I will be traveling by T. I am sure the supermarket will be jammed packed as it will be Saturday. I’ll try to go in the morning so there will be less people, hopefully. Only thing that sucks is the return ride home. I will have to go to the Square to catch the bus home. Oh well. It will be an adventure. I am going to check the price of a few items I get through my online shopping. On some of the items I regularly get, the price has gone up by 20 cents. If Market Basket has it for a lower price, I will get it there next week, even though that means lugging it on the T.

I’ve read four chapters in my baseball history book this week. I have five chapters left. I hope to read another three this weekend. I am finding that if I read after my blog or before I want to sleep, I can get one chapter done. I am making notes along the way as well as using the stopwatch feature on my phone to time how long it takes me to finish a chapter. It takes me about an hour and a half to read just one chapter as they are so long. It is fun though. I am laughing because the Skankees haven’t been formed as of yet and Boston has as of 1871, though they weren’t the Red Sox. They were called different names but started out as the Red Stockings. The oldest team still in existence is the Cincinnati Reds, who were also called the Red Stockings in 1869. I am learning a lot as I read along. It is the first book that I have enjoyed since reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. If I keep up the reading, I should be finished with it sometime next week. It will be my first book read this year. I hope to read 25. That is my goal. If I don’t kill myself, of course.

Hopeless and thinking of the end game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been in a rotten mood all day. I’ve been sleeping in 3 hour increments, the first one happening at 3 am. I was in pain and just did not want to move. I also didn’t want to take my pain meds. I’m just sick of taking them, actually, I’m sick of taking all meds today. I didn’t take my morning meds. I shut the alarm off and then fell back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later. 

My mother called around 1pm and I thought it was an alarm going off. By the time I realized it was my phone ringing, it was too late to answer. She called because she wanted me to open the door for the therapist. I was pissed. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had to pee so I got up. My ankle felt like it was being crushed. That further caused my mood to go south. I carefully went downstairs and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then went downstairs to open the door. I didn’t feel like eating or anything so went back to my room. I got pissed off again because my bowels decided it needed to be emptied not even 10 minuted back to my room. Fuck. Went back sownstairs again. I decided to make something to eat. My mother was making beef stew but it wasn’t ready. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. 

Went back to my room and I just wanted to die. My mood was so low. I felt like I was under the blackest clouds. No light was ever going to shine through. I thought about texting my therapist but didn’t. What was he going to do? I really thought of ending it somehow some way. I decided to make a cup of tea and have a pop tart. 

Went back downstairs. My mother was in the kitchen and the therapist had left. I asked my mother if she wanted tea and she did. I made a cup for her as well. In had the pop tart. My ankle was in rough shape and I felt so angry to be in pain for the third day in a row, the same type of pain. After I finished the pop tart, I went up stairs again to drink my tea. 

I sat on my bed. I didn’t turn on any lights. I read Twitter and Facebook. When I finished my tea, I tried to nap. I kept thinking of what would happen to my nieces and nephew should I die. I am so depressed I can’t even think of a date to end my misery. I can’t be bothered with planning my own death. My mother called me to say the stew was done. I didn’t want any. She said she was hungry, so I told her to eat. 

I wish I wasn’t around anymore. I just can’t deal with pain and no one (other than my support group) helping me to deal with my pain. I am back in the pit of despair. And this time I am so far deep that I can’t even think of how or when to end my life. How sad is that?