Category: Bipolar Disorder

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

busted jeans and other news

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Busted jeans and other news

I didn’t want to get up this morning, not at all. I felt like calling my psych and telling her to forget the appointment but I got up anyways. I went to Starbucks and had something to eat along with my mocha. Starbucks rewards has a promo going where I earn extra stars for buying mochas. No problem for me as it’s my favorite drink. I then tried reading a research article but my brain wasn’t in it. I was reading but not taking in the information.

I went into town to see my psych. I had to use the bathroom and my zipper busted on me. I couldn’t believe it because it was a new pair of jeans. I was so pissed. I had to make sure I covered myself pretty good with my sweater. Thank god it was long enough. When I came home, I called a tailor place down the street for me. They can fix it for $10. Beats buying a new pair of jeans. I will go there tomorrow and drop it off.

When I got back to the Square, I went to Chipotle. I wanted a burrito. My mother is making fish for supper but I didn’t want it. The burrito was good, though I got guacamole everywhere. I love guac.

My appointment went well. I told her of my ups and downs the past few weeks and also about the pain I have been in. I also told her about my urinary incontinence and she thinks me seeing a urologist is a good idea. She doesn’t know if they can help, other than putting me on another pill to take. I don’t know either. I know I can’t stop the regimen I am on because I need my meds. If I stop my antipsychotic, I will become psychotic. If I stop my pain meds, I will be in a lot of pain. Catch 22 and I don’t like it. I might just have to suck up getting boxer pads so I don’t have to worry about leaking so much. It’s nearly every day now. Sometimes I am aware of it and other times I am not until I go to the bathroom. I don’t feel myself go. Never have because my nerves don’t function properly. Just sucks. My psych said there are male depends so I will look into that rather than diapers. Diapers have been the only thing that I have seen so far. I will ask my support group where they get their incontinence stuff.

I took a shower without too much difficulty after I ate the burrito. I am glad I wear mostly black boxers. It’s raining today and it’s causing me to get a pseudo-migraine. I have a low level headache that is like a migraine but isn’t. I get it whenever it rains. Fricken sucks. I just took some ibuprofen to try and quiet it down. The shower helped a little bit. I haven’t needed my pain meds for most of the day. I hope this is a good sign that I won’t be tortured tonight. I really don’t want a night of pain like I had last night.

blah blah blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blah blah blah

All I did today was sleep. I just could not get my motor running and I really didn’t want to. My mother cooked bacon and I had some and then I went to bed. She made dinner and then I took a nap. Other than the few times I had to go to the bathroom, I haven’t left my room. I just have been sleeping.

I woke up in the middle of the night again so there was my first problem. I was in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep. I also woke up with the same pain and it didn’t go away. I have had it all day, which really made me want to stay in bed.

I had texted my former therapist to see how collection of my things were going. She said to pick a date as she was dragging her heels. I figured as much. So I picked the 24th to go out to get my things. It shouldn’t take me too long so I figure three hours on the zipcar should be enough to go there and back, provided there is no traffic. It was really painful to see her name in my text list again. I still miss her. I still want to text her that I have a new therapist but I don’t want to open a can of worms that I can’t close.

I got an email from my therapist after I emailed him a research article about a suicide condition I think I may have. He said it was good that I was thinking about these things but he didn’t have time to read the article and if I did want him to, to bring it in our next session. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s a long article and I don’t want to waste time with him reading during our time. I might just read it and then bring a summary of the article with me for him to read. I think that will be better.

I guess I have some homework to do before my next therapy session. I just hope something happens with it. Usually when I did work for the other therapist, it worked for that session and then got forgot about the next. That annoyed the piss out of me. I hope this guy is different.

pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts

I was reaching for my phone charger and moved my ankle. It immediately exploded in pain. I wanted to fucking die, right then and there. It was so intense. I got hot under my blankets and soon as I took my feet out, my pain decreased at least 60%. But my toes started throbbing uncontrollably. I had already maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for at least a few hours. I am so fricken tired of dealing with this shit night after night.

I did some research and found the article I wanted for free on the internet. SCORE. I sent it to my psychiatrist and therapist. I hope they find it useful like I do. I will write a review of the article when I read it. It’s a complicated article as they did multiple studies on different things. I don’t know if I will understand it. I just know that I have the gist of what they are talking about and that is Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance. I need to read and find out if a medical condition, such as chronic pain, is excluded from this “diagnosis”. I will write to the main author if I can’t answer this question. I tried tweeting the question to one of the authors but I never got a response.

I got some software off of eBay. It was a good price so I snagged it before it became unavailable. I also logged onto my yahoo account. I had like 700 emails. I knocked it down to 600 or so before I got bored clearing it. I will work on it tomorrow. Most of the emails are from my blog. I just checked it to see if I had any comments that needed moderating. My comments have been few and far in between. I think it’s because my readership has gone down. I have noticed the few regulars haven’t been “liking” my posts lately. Oh well. Maybe they don’t have internet or are busy or something.

I keep having bad thoughts. Music in my head has gone worse. It’s so damn loud that sometimes I just can’t think. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been listening to Eric Church most of the evening. I finally got the Toby Keith song out of my head but now it’s coming back in a soft hum. I might play my white noise machine so that my room isn’t quiet. Last night was really bad that I thought about taking 8 mg of trilafon. My psychiatrist would not have approved it. But I was really getting desperate to get the noise out of my head.

I keep thinking people will be better off without me in their lives. I can’t shake that feeling. I almost called my psych today because I wanted to go into the hospital but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to spend 14-18 hours in the ER waiting for a bed. I would go insane. And the only reason I am thinking about this is because I am in horrible pain. I took a shower after I wrote my previous blog and my Achilles flared up for no reason. I have one week before I see the specialist for my ankle. The 11th can’t some soon enough. I want the boney growth gone. I don’t care what they have to do to make it go away but I don’t want it anymore. It hurts too much. I can’t have BOTH fricken ankles hurting me. That is just torture. If they don’t do anything for it, I will kill myself. I am not going to be in pain all the damn time with both ankles hurting me. No fucking way. I will go to my suicide spot and be done with it. I just hope I am not “rescued”.