Category: Bipolar Disorder

Lost in the Echo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost in the Echo

Well, my pain has intensified. The pain meds have helped but the physical pain has been replaced by neuropathic pain. I can’t win today. It’s way too early to take my night meds. I can take my Neurontin and hope to stop the burning pain that I am feeling. I don’t care if it makes me dopey. I got no where I need to be tonight. I just need to be extra careful if I should go back downstairs to use the bathroom or to eat something, should I get hungry.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling horrible. I was going to page her but then I started crying and would be inaudible as I have this mother of a cold. I was feeling better with it until I started crying. Now my nose is clogged up. I really hate being sick, but fortunately, I know it will pass. Unlike my damn foot pain. I told my psych I wanted to remove the offending metatarsals. But they are the major structures in the foot and it would be severely hard to walk without them. At this point, I don’t really fucking care. I just want the pain to stop.

I texted my therapist on what my plan was. I didn’t tell her it was off the table because the way I feel right now, I could do it and hope to choke on the pills before they try to kill me. Terrible way to die but at least it would accomplish the goal. I am a miserable fuck right now so please don’t judge me on these wild ideas. I am trying to distract myself with music and writing this blog while I still can before I succumb to sleep. Least I hope I will. Sometimes my meds knock me out and other times they keep me up. I never know what it is going to be. And it sucks. Usually during the day my meds make me tired and during the evening, they make me hyper. No rhyme or reason for this. It is just the way it works. I really think PTSD keeps me from sleeping at night because I get so racked up in anxiety it prevents the meds from making me drowsy.

I would have my therapist call me but that sometimes proves difficult as she has a busy schedule. I talk with the idiot tomorrow anyways. I am sure it’s going to be “fun”. I don’t know if she read the last couple of blogs I sent her. I hope she did because I think they are important and she always wants to know what is up. If she hasn’t read them, I give up. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. Lately, my blogs haven’t been long, winded ones so I don’t understand why she can’t read it. Then she’ll want me to read it to her and I torture her by saying no. My revenge.

I thought of writing something for my book. The Daily Word Prompts have given me some starting points but unfortunately, I don’t have my writing pad on my bed. I have been meaning to get it but not today. And it’s not risk extra pain to get it. Writing on a notepad helps me better than writing on a word doc. I don’t know why that is. I think it’s because I don’t get annoyed if I spell something wrong and have a red line under it. It stops the word flow because I have to change/fix it. Least after I have written something on my pad and then I am typing it up (providing I can read my handwriting clearly) I can edit or make changes as I go. Usually in a word doc, I don’t do that until I read it months later. Drives me crazy.

I feel like I am being punished by being in chronic pain. For what exactly, I haven’t figured that out yet. It could be all my swearing, not going to church, despising my father on his death bed. You name it. Being transgender. I read today the horrors of how homosexuals have been treated in the past and continue to be in certain countries. It makes me so sad yet so suicidal. I feel like I can never be who I am meant to be because of fear of not only being discriminated against but also be tortured for it.

I had ordered a DVD and it was supposed to be delivered today but there is some kind of delay. It’s a bummer because I really wanted to watch it. Now I think I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and break my tradition of just watching it near Christmas. There are a few movies that I have to watch around Christmas. The Grinch (cartoon version), A Christmas Carol, Home Alone, and It’s a Wonderful Life. I still would love to own the version of the Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. I haven’t been able to find it, yet. Not like I have looked really hard. Maybe I will get it as a birthday gift if I make it through the holidays without a hospitalization. I feel like going back to Netflix so I can watch some Friends shows. I canceled the subscription because I wasn’t on it all the time and I couldn’t justify one night a month watching it for the price. I rather read a book than watch a TV show or movie. Hence why I have so many damn books to read.

Which reminds me, I still have 7 books I need to read by the end of Dec. I’d read now but I am kind of dopey and my concentration is lax because of the medication. I really should try and sleep but I know if I do, I will be up all night and that won’t be good. Then I will be sleeping all day tomorrow. It won’t make for a good therapy session. I have 3 books I am actively reading. I just go from one to another each day, but I haven’t touched Dostoevsky since Sept I think. The book was annoying me because it just talks without going anywhere. I don’t know when I am going to finish it, but it certainly won’t be within the next month. There are too many chapters to read. The other books I am reading are interesting but my concentration varies. I try to read at least 2 chapters instead of one but it’s getting difficult with my pain being so damn painful. It makes me just want to hide under the covers and not do much else. Or just read Twitter or Facebook. Then I am really doing nothing. I feel bad about not reading because I have a shitload of time on my hands so it’s not like I don’t have time. It’s just getting to it that is the hard part.

Shepard’s Pie and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Shepard’s pie and other things

I’ve had a long day, and it started early this morning. The bus was late so I didn’t get to the station until after 0730. I got my espresso but wasn’t in the mood for eating anything. I then high tailed to the trains because there were delays. The station platform was crowded. Wonderful. I pretty much stood the whole way to my stop.

I got to my appointment a few minutes early. I was the only person in the waiting room for this doctor so I thought I would be in and out. Wrong. The doc was 40 minutes late because she got stuck in traffic. I wanted to leave but I needed a refill for my script. We talked and went over the history. She said she sent it to Walgreens and I still don’t see it, hours later. So I am hoping the stupid system didn’t fail me yet again. I am waiting to see if she sent it to another pharmacy before I panic. I have used up my last row of hormone pills and if I don’t get the pills by Saturday, I am screwed. But I will worry about that tomorrow. I will have to hound the office until it gets called in.

I came home and had to get some lip balm because my lips were so dry they were cracking. The weather was very cold, which didn’t help. I had twenty minutes until the next bus so I had time to run to CVS for the balm. They didn’t have the one I preferred but I got the brand at least. I put it in my jacket so I would have it. I thought of going to Starbucks for a sandwich but there wasn’t time. I figure I would have a cup of tea and my cranberry cake for breakfast.

For lunch, I figure I would make the Shepard’s pie. I was starting to feel lazy while relaxing, drinking my tea. I wasn’t in pain, which I thought was odd. The train was still having delays so there were still no seats on the ride home. I had to stand until the train emptied out two stops before mine. Even while walking home, I wasn’t in pain. I thought I could make the pie without trouble. Yeah right. As I was waiting for the potatoes to brown in the oven, my toes exploded. I was sitting when this happened. I cursed and figured enough time had elapsed for the potatoes. They were crispy but not brown. But I had the same problem last time I used instant potatoes.

I ate a little of it as I had been eating the left over potatoes as the pie was supposed to be browning. I was full with the little piece that I had, which was good enough for me as I needed to rest my godforsaken foot. I cleaned up best I could and then scurried to my room to take more pain meds and rest my stupid foot. I am done for the fucking day. I am tired and in pain. My mother said she would try the pie so she has dinner. She will just have to heat it up. My niece will also have dinner so I am not expecting there to be much leftover for tomorrow. I only had about a pound of ground beef, which wasn’t much. But the craving is out of my system now.

After considering what a friend has commented on my blog the other day, I don’t think I will try and end my life this week. That doesn’t mean that I am any less suicidal. I still am. It’s just that short of jumping in front of a train or getting hit by a bus, I don’t see an alternative to ending my life. Sure there are other ways I could end it, but unless I can secure a hotel room, I doubt it will happen this month. The way that my foot is killing me right now doesn’t make me feel better about my decision. I would go to the hospital but I can’t trust them with my pain medication schedule, or even being able to take my strong pill should I need it. I will go insane if I am in serious pain and not being able to control it because some hot shot doctor thinks better than I do about what is right for me.

I don’t have to go out again until Friday, unless my prescription shows up at Walgreens before then. I know they are cutting paper waste by faxing electronically but I still wish for paper scripts. It just will make life easier sometimes than relying on a stupid new computer system that likes to fuck with everyone, indiscriminately. Until then, I can rest my damn foot.

colds suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Colds suck

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and also some more Nyquil. I thought I had an unopened bottle somewhere but I can’t find it so I just bought new bottles. I also tried to get gift cards for my family but I misread the damn cards and I didn’t want to go back to the stand when I just wanted to go home and rest. I just got to get them for my kids and I will be done. It’s weird not getting anything for my father this year or worrying what to get him.

I haven’t had anything to eat or drink today, nothing substantial. I had a piece of my sister’s cinnamon roll apple pie. It was good. And then I went back to sleep until I woke up to go to the pharmacy. I should make the Shepard’s pie but I really feel like crap and don’t want to be on my feet. I got a splitting headache. I also picked up some more ibuprofen as I am out. I hope it helps my headache.

The only thing I really need to do is fill my pill box for the week. I set my alarm for tomorrow’s appointment as I need to be out of the house by 0700. I swear if the doc gives me crap about my weight, I’m just going to say I don’t give a shit. I have other things to worry about than losing weight. I’m so sick of skinny docs giving lectures about how you are supposed to lose weight when you have to be a certain way. And for what? I have always been a heavy person, though in my mind I think I am skinny (toss it up to body image issues). Even if I was 80 pounds I would still have pain and back issues. Being thin isn’t going to solve my herniated disc issues. Yes it might make them less likely to explode on me but they might just do it anyways. It’s just so annoying. Yes, I would love to fit into a 34 waist again, but that will take some work and frankly, I don’t think I can do it unless I seriously starve myself.

I have a busy week so this cold needs to go away. I’m going to rest some more before my mother calls me for dinner.

Bad Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Bad dream

I just woke up from a bad dream. I dreamt I had the bottle of pills I plan on ending my life with in my hands. I gave them to my sister to hold for me, but the next thing I knew, I was taking the pills. I started to get worried that I was going to puke from taking so many. But I had the bottle in my hand, unopened. Then I woke up to find that my hands were empty, thank god. It was a very strange but disturbing dream.

I am surprised I woke up as I took Nyquil for my cold with my pain and night meds. I must have slept for about three hours. I am not in pain, yet. But I am coughing. Great. This cold doesn’t want to leave my body. I am already tired of being sick. I hope it’s gone by tomorrow but I doubt it will be. I am tired. I want to go back to sleep but that dream has me all discombobulated. I’m afraid to go back to sleep for fear of going back to that dream. Can you dream your death? It would be welcome. But it would be strange for me to die in my sleep when I have no known problems and no one in my family has died in their sleep at such a young age. They have died from old age or cancer (my father).

There was a movie that I wanted to see that was only for one night only. I tried to get tickets but they were sold out. Such a bummer. I planned on taking my youngest sister to it but I really didn’t think they would be sold out. I hope they make it into a DVD. That would be awesome. I hate going to theaters anyways because I really can’t stand loud noises. It makes me uneasy. Tonight while having dinner, it was all quiet until my mother turned on the TV. It was full blast and gave me a mini heart attack; it scared the shit out of me. My mother laughed but eventually the noise got to me and I asked her if she could lower it. The sound was going through my head like I sledgehammer.

I think I have another cavity in my tooth. It’s quite sensitive. I hope not because I hate the drilling. I see the dentist in a couple of weeks. I hope it’s just sensitive because of this cold that I have. Yesterday, the whole row of teeth were bothering me.

I can’t take anymore Nyquil for another hour or so. Same with my pain meds. I think a slice of cherry pie is calling my name. ta ta for now.