Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday Blog 55

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 55

I just watched Italy lose in penalty kicks in the soccer game. Germany beat us. I am disappointed.

I slept somewhat normally and woke up at a normal hour. It was weird because my mother isn’t home. Last night she had another hypoglycemic episode that landed her in the hospital. She will be kept for one more night as her sugars are still not stable to be home. We don’t know what happened and she doesn’t remember anything other than her sugar being low and eating yogurt to bring it back up. I heard a thump last night and she fell off the toilet. It was really scary. I think it traumatized my sister more than it did me. My sister was trying to get her to drink juice and take the glucose but she was not really responding. Then when they gave her IV glucose, her sugar was up high but she still wasn’t responding. She didn’t wake up till around fifteen minutes later in the ambulance as we were taking her to the hospital. That is a long time to be out of it.

I am glad I wasn’t in the hospital because my mother would be dead. No one would find my mother until morning and only god knows what state she would have been in, especially with the heat that we are having.

I wanted to email my psychiatrist to let her know but didn’t feel like it. I see her Friday so will let her know then. I am still going to keep taking the trilafon as it is helping me right now. I usually take it before my night meds so the voices don’t know anything different. I have to sneak it. Once I am a bit more stable, I will take it more frequently, if I need to.

I wasn’t hungry for much of the day until I came home from visiting my mother in the hospital. Then the hungry horrors started. I had bought a sandwich so I ate that. Then I had a bag of microwave popcorn while I was watching the soccer game. I got the munchies while watching the overtime, so had some Oreos. I need to make the last hamburger patty I have in the fridge before it goes bad. That will be my dinner later.

Mood wise, I have been up and down. It was hard seeing my mother because she was on the same floor as my father a month before he died. I visited the lab where I used to work and there were only three people that I knew. One of them asked about my father as she knew he had been sick. I told her the sad news. She was wondering why I didn’t post it on Facebook and I told her the reasons why. However, I did post the obituary notice so she must have missed it. Another friend was asking me if I was on Twitter. I had to laugh because I am on Twitter all the time. I post almost every hour, if not every half hour, especially when I watch sports. Then it’s every play usually, lol.

I didn’t have coffee today though I really wanted one badly. My sister took us to the hospital this morning and dropped us off. I guess she couldn’t be on the same floor as my father either. I know she is still grieving.

I still have my stupid menses. I thought they were almost gone but when I came home last night, it was still there. I am so pissed off. I always know when it’s around 1830 because I get really drowsy for some reason. I have to fight it because if I do take a nap, I will be up all night. That’s not to say that if I fight it, I still won’t be up all night. I have been up all night or most of it because I just can’t sleep, even after taking my night time meds.

It’s like almost 80 degrees out and my feet are fucking freezing. I can never understand why in warm weather, with my feet under the blankets, my feet get cold. I have to put on thermal socks to warm them up. My mother thinks it’s because of the AC but not really as I have them protected by being UNDER the blankets. I just don’t get it.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.

Medication Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Medication troubles

I don’t know why I am having so much trouble filling my medication, particularly the medication I need to prevent me from losing my shit. My pdoc sent the trilafon to the mail order company instead of Walgreens. That’s all well and good if I wasn’t running low on my pills. So I had to call her back and tell her to call in a script to Walgreens to cover me. I thought there wouldn’t be a problem as the lady from my insurance said they would cover the pills at the retail pharmacy.

So I wait, patiently as I could, for Walgreens to process the order. There is an insurance delay. I call and find out they will not fill the script until July 14th! WTF! It’s $22 for 14 pills so rather than get stressed out, I told the pharmacist to fill it, that I will just pay the out of pocket cost. It’s kind of not what I was expecting but I think I will have enough cash to cover me until I get paid next. Least I hope so.

I get a call from my doctor’s office saying that my strong pain pill prescription was ready to be picked up. I am going to go early so in case there is a problem, it will be settled tomorrow rather than Tuesday as Monday is a holiday. I really need this medication for break through pain that can’t be controlled by my regular pain pills. I only asked for 15 pills because that is what my former PCP always gave me. The last script lasted a year so I think I will be fine. I don’t use it that often anyways.

If the pharmacy gives me a hard time, I swear I am going to start going to another pharmacy. I can’t stand the stress of dealing with pharmacists that think they know better than my doctors.

A little update in the mood department:

I felt a little better when I got my trilafon. But now I am starting to feel bad again. I got a little headache that is affecting my vision. I think it’s the beginning of a migraine. Either that or I need new glasses. Fireworks have started in my area and they have been freaking me out. I don’t like loud noises at all. I have been listening to music the past few hours. My phone needed an update so I couldn’t play my playlist but I was able to play Pandora on the Kindle Fire. Thank god because I really needed music to keep the voices at bay. I haven’t taken a trilafon yet because my lip is hurting really bad. It’s wicked chapped and with all the sneezes I sneezed today, I cracked it open. I bought some stuff at Walgreens to help it but it takes time to heal. I hope it feels better tomorrow.

rough therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough therapy session

I had a rough therapy session where all we did was talk about my suicidal feelings and the blog that I wrote yesterday. I also told her about getting a call from my psychiatrist. She doesn’t want me emailing her about my psychosis and I am to page her from now on. My therapist wanted me in the hospital but I don’t want to go. I really just want to die and be left alone to do it. We talked about that. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I seriously don’t want to get doped up. I have been taking the trilafon as needed. I will page my doc tomorrow to get more as I only have four left. It’s not going to enough to get me through the weekend.

My therapist also wants me to toss the means I have or to give it to someone I trust. I don’t trust anyone so that will leave the dumping to me. She wants me to text her when I have done it. I am struggling with this big time because this screws up my plan. I may never have an opportunity like this again. And I will kick myself for getting rid of these means. It doesn’t mean I won’t have other means available, but what I have is considerably less lethal. I am also scared that if I go to the hospital with them knowing or me telling them the voices are telling me take all my pills, it might cause problems with my pain medication like it has in the past. Granted my PCP isn’t around anymore and I am being followed by a nurse practitioner, but still, the threat is there. I would seriously hate to have my pills restricted because of some idiot thinking I will OD on them, when I know what will kill me and what won’t. If I want to really fuck up my liver, I just need a bottle of 500 count Tylenol, handy at any pharmacy or store that sells drugs. That is more lethal than what I have in my stocks. Plus it will wreck your liver more than kills you in the process so I don’t want that.

We did some Crisis Response planning. I don’t think I will do anything other than possibly page my psychiatrist. My therapist said she is going away and she doesn’t have coverage so it’s either the psych or the ER as my options. And this is a holiday weekend so it would not be good to get admitted.

I need to somehow take a shower today. I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help with the itchy scalp. It was expensive but my rewards at Walgreens paid off so it only came to be around a buck. Now I got to start rebuilding my points. I still feel out of sorts today. I just took a trilafon to quiet the noise a little bit so I could possibly read. It’s been awfully noisy in my head the past few days that I can’t read. I have a stack of books that are waiting to be read and I can’t get through the ones I have started. I found out today that my favorite author Neil Gaiman is coming out with a new book in February. It’s about mythology. It sound very interesting. He is the only author I know that produces at least two books a year. I wish I could write like that. But then, I am not the creative genius he is. I got my AP Stylebook today. I have been waiting forever for it to see what it is like and stuff but today I don’t have the energy to thumb through it.

I really don’t have the energy to do anything today. I just want to die. I hope my heart stops beating. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like crap, like my soul has been sucked out of me. I still feel like I can go ahead with my plan tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. But I made a promise and I always stick to my promises.