Category: Chronic pain

Swear post warning offensive language here in

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Swear post warning offensive language here in

So about two hours ago, I was smelling something. Had no idea what the hell it was. I thought maybe a cord was burning, something was catching fire, checked all my wires and electrical stuff. Nothing. I go downstairs to see if my mother sprayed something, and it is coming from the hallway, or so I thought. I went back upstairs. The smell got worse. I decided to open the damn window, screw the storms. I shut the vent or opened it (no idea) on my AC. Then go downstairs again because I had to pee. I check on my mother as her sugar was low. She was fine and then I see the culprit. One of my sisters bought a Renuzit freshener thing that was pineapple and coconut. It was stinking up the house. I shut it, told my mother, put it in the kitchen, and then went back upstairs fucking swearing.

I was talking with my BFF about stuff. I asked if she was okay. She said she was but I knew she was stressed. I won’t go into it but I was glad she told me. I was getting sleepy so I told her goodnight and I will check in with her tomorrow. She said she hopes to sleep too. I lay down, and my fucking legs become stone and hurt like fucking hell. I sit up, take some magnesium as that is the only thing I can think of to calm it down. I shift my position, causing me to move my ankle. Dumb fucking move. I saw fucking stars. Still hurting so fucking bad. I waited, hoping it would settle down. It didn’t. BT med time! I start having anxiety. I am ready to call my fucking psychiatrist, but what the hell is she gonna do? It is fucking midnight. I hate this fucking shit.

All day I have been having body dysmorphia issues. I really hate my breasts. I want top surgery so damn bad. But because of my damn pain issues, I can’t have testosterone treatment, which is delaying the fucking top surgery consults and what not. If I had the money, they would be long gone! I would find a decent surgeon and be done with it. I hate my body. I hate myself more. I feel like I am a fucking idiot who should be fucking dead. My therapist said that it was reasonable that I am thinking about suicide. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my crummy shoes?

I have tried to get my head around it. Someone reported me, again, to Twitter about my talk about suicide. I have no idea what tweet it was as they didn’t tell me. If I did, I don’t remember it. I know I posted last Friday after my pain doc appt. But I don’t think I have posted anything this week. Unless the word itself, suicide, is what freaks people out and makes them report people. I don’t know. They are assholes. If they would talk to me, that would be okay. I don’t know. Sometimes I want to talk and other times, I get the concerned but I don’t know what to do with you people. And it is all fake sometimes. Pisses me off, like bother someone else with you fake sympathy or whatever bullshit you are giving me right now. I know what to do if my safety is in danger. Been down that road one too many times and don’t think that just because I talk about suicide that I don’t know the crisis number or the crisis text number or someone I can call if I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts/feelings. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to end my life, yes I do. Do I want to do it right this second? No. But the time will come when I have all my ducks in a row to execute my plan. I am working with my therapist to kind of break the cycle of overwhelm/end my life thoughts. But until then, I can still plan. It is an escape. You don’t believe me, do research.

I want the meds to work NOW. I don’t want to fucking wait. I am tired of waiting. I used to be a patient person. Now I am realizing being patient, means just that. You are a patient of some kind to someone. The pain doc, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. you have to wait to see them. And it fucking sucks. I am tired of waiting. I want treatment now. And dammit, if I don’t get treatment, I am going to die. Maybe not by the damn disease/condition I have, but by other means, which I don’t know exactly what they are. This dying this isn’t easy. Probably is if you have some lethal illness but not a chronic painful one.

I hate that I can’t move my damn ankle the way that it is suppose to move. It gets fucking upset with me. Going down the stairs or up the stairs aggravate it. My right ankle is sprained so it hurts because the tendons are swollen and stretched a little bit more than they are supposed to be. I also walked a lot today. And went up and down the stairs a lot to find out what that fucking smell was that was irritating my respiratory system. Set off my allergies big time. I am sending them a text tomorrow and put it in all caps. That will tell them how fucking pissed off I am. Assholes. I don’t know which sister it was, most likely the middle one but I can’t be sure. They will definitely hear about it later today.

Sunday blog 5 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 5 Aug 2018

I’m listening to 1989 again. I spent most of the day sleeping because I woke up around 0530 in pain. Tomorrow I got to go to the pharmacy and get more meds. I can’t fill the ER ones but I think I can fill the ones I take as PRN. Sucks. My mother was in a lot of pain. By the end of the night, she could hardly walk and it was stressing her out. I have no idea if going through this type of surgery at this time of year was a good idea. But I guess it was better than during the winter. The humidity sucks. I will be giving my AC a break tomorrow when I go out. It has been running non stop for more than a few days. I will be going out MWF so I will shut it off then. It is supposed to be hot all week

I have been reading more. I finished the chapter in the Poe book today. I read it this morning before the meds made me sleepy. I took an Ativan because I wanted to sleep. When I got up, made a pizza for lunch. My brother in law brought up some leftover mushroom pizza. My mother had that. I don’t like mushroom. I just made the deep dish pizza I like. I have like three boxes of them. It is good personal size pizza. My mother doesn’t like it.

After I ate, I made coffee and then shaved my head. I was too hot to shower. The coffee made me sleepy so I just took another nap for a few hours. My sister called wanting me to check on her daughter. My other sister was making my mother dinner. My aunt was over with my cousin who has a 5 month old baby. I played with the baby for a bit before going in the shower before I sweat a lot. I had brought a change of clothes with me but it was too humid to put them on. I quickly dried off, wrapped the towel around me and made a dash to my room. I sat on my bed drying myself off again. I cooled off before I got dressed again. Then my sister wanted me to look after my niece. I went downstairs and she was in bed. She didn’t want anything to eat. She said she would call me when she was hungry. I said okay.

I went back upstairs. I didn’t have dinner yet. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was cooling off in my room. My aunt and cousin left. I decided to make bacon. I had to make it before it went bad. As I was making it, my cousin with bipolar disorder came over. He had done some stuff on his phone and wanted me to fix it. I asked if he wanted a sandwich. He did. So I cooked all the bacon. My mother didn’t want any. He was such a pain in the ass, asking about my mother every five minutes, like any minute she was going to have a problem or something. He was getting on my noise. I had a few bites of my sandwich and then undid what he did on his phone. He was done with his sandwich by then. He wanted me to fix his time out lock. I did that too. His settings were all messed up. He must have had all the phone “cleaners” that were available. I uninstalled all of them and those that were not supposed to be there. I then cleared his browser history and prevented pop ups from happening, which was how I think he ended up with all that shit on his phone. He was talking to me about his mother or my mother the whole time. I was sweating bullets. He looked at my haircut and said the guy did a good job. I said I shaved the sides and back. He was incredulous. He said I did a good job. I finished with his phone and handed it back to him then finished my sandwich. Luckily he took off after saying goodbye to my mother. He said he would come up tomorrow. I hope I am not home, LOL

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

I woke up in pain around 0800. I decided to take my morning meds early. I used the bathroom. My mother was eating breakfast and my sister was doing something in the kitchen. She was walking all around so I have no idea what she was doing. I went back to my room and slept till 1100 or so. I wanted bacon but it was so damn hot to cook. I thought about putting it in a frying pain and just sticking it on my back porch for the sun to fry but it was cloudy. It would rain in a few hours.

I got up and made the bacon. I asked my mother if she wanted some and she said no. She wanted a cold cut sandwich so I made her one. My aunt made her a sandwich yesterday and didn’t close any of the bags properly which pissed me off because the cheese fell on the floor. I was so mad. The bags couldn’t be easier to close as they have the zip closers on. She completely destroyed one of the bags. Idiot. I had my bacon sandwich and it was good. I haven’t had one in a long time. I mostly been making bacon and egg with toast. I might make that tomorrow morning. I wore my aircast, once I had it on right. Damn thing is a bitch to put on.

I went upstairs after I ate and was going to sleep. My mother called saying she needed something. I said I would be down in a minute but I drifted off to sleep. My mother was mad. Oops. I went downstairs to give her what she wanted and then asked her if she wanted coffee as I wanted some. She said yes. I made it and brought it to her. Then she says she wants some pie. I got her the pie. I was walking back and forth from living room to the kitchen. My ankle was killing me. I emptied the ice trays as we had little ice. I used some for my coffee as I made it iced. She uses a lot because she likes her water cold. I don’t blame her as it’s really hot in the house.

I went back to my room and just played on my phone, reading Twitter as I drank my coffee. I thought about reading but didn’t feel like it. I read a long chapter in Norse Mythology last night. It was kind of funny. You will have to read it to understand it. I love this book so I don’t mind taking my time with it the second go round. The first time I read it in a day and a half. I couldn’t put it down, and it has been a LONG while since I have been able to do that. Most books I struggle to get through a chapter, except the Harry Potter books. Those I can read without a problem because I love them so much. It is a nice escape. I bought another Thomas Waite book because it was 99 cents. I haven’t read the 1st book. He is coming out with the third in the series. I got the 1st book when I was paranoid and delusional. The book is about cyber spying so I knew it wasn’t a book to read at the time as I have a tendency to get lost between reality and fiction, especially when I am psychotic.

The game was starting when I got hungry. I asked my mother what she wanted and she didn’t know. I went downstairs and she said to make her one of the frozen dinners, the Salisbury steak. I really like them. I made it for her as my burger was cooking. My middle sister was sleeping on the couch. I have no idea why. My mother finished her meal and so did I. My sister comes in the kitchen and then yells at me not to buy those dinners anymore. WTF. Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t buy??? My mother told her she doesn’t eat them all the time, just once in a while. My sister proceeded to tell her how bad they were. Go the fuck home! I was so annoyed. I buy them so on days I can’t cook because of pain, I will have something to make.

After dinner, I was so fricken hot. I needed to cool off in my room before tackling the dishes. My mother needed a pillow case and my sister said the sheets in the dryer need to be put on the bed. Great. So when I was cold, I went downstairs and did what I needed to. I had to ask my mother what to do with the bacon grease. The heat kept it from congealing. I didn’t want to throw it down the sink. My mother said to put it in a plastic bag and throw it away. OK. I did that as the other frying pan soaked for a bit. I then washed my coffee pot and the pans. I was sweating bullets. Surprisingly, I didn’t take a bath while washing the dishes like I usually do. I went in the living room to rest for a bit. It was slightly cooler with the ceiling fan going. I then tackled the bed. It was hard because it is a day bed so has a rod on the side. I had to move the mattress to get the sheets wrapped around it. UGH. Then my mother said I didn’t make it right. Tough! I told her I wasn’t her so she would have to live with it. I asked her if she needed anything else. She didn’t so I retreated to my cold room. I am staying here, unless I need to use the bathroom. Tomorrow I got to shave my head and shower. I wanted to do that today but my ankle was hurting too much.

Sprained Ankle? Sprained ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sprained ankle?

So yesterday, I tripped over my own foot. It had gone inward and I lurched forward. I knew it was more than it because I felt like I moved something and it was painful. Later last night, my foot was hurting and I looked at my foot and it was pretty swollen. I put ice on it and the brace that I had been using for my left ankle. I couldn’t wear it long because it was annoying my Achilles problem. I called this morning to see if I could get it checked out and they had a late afternoon appt. I decided to get my haircut in the morning.

I checked on my mother and she didn’t need anything. No one was coming today, which I thought was odd. They would be coming tomorrow. I went on my way. The bus was early and I forgot the bus schedule was more frequent at that hour. When I got to the Square, the barbers weren’t open yet, so I went to Starbucks to get something to eat and have my espresso. I had 5 shots and a bagel. I didn’t write. After I finished the bagel, I went to the barbers and they were open. I was the first customer so didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I got caught up with the my buddy. He gave me back my dish. After he cut my hair, I went back to Starbucks to write for a bit. I had three hours before my appt. I didn’t want to sit and write for that long. I ordered a large iced coffee. I thought it would help keep me awake but it made me sleepy.

I decided to go home for a bit. I took the dish and my cup out of my bag. I forgot to put the cup in the sink. I changed my T-shirt as it had hair all over it. It was hot in the house. My ankle kind of went out as I was going up and down the stairs. I put the moleskin padding on my AFO as I knew the humidity was going to irritate me. It stayed on and I wasn’t irritated.

I went to the doc appt. I had a resident, who was behind. I waited. Then was called in. My feet were hot so I was grateful to take off my socks to cool them off. The doctor came in and I told him what was wrong. It was a little concerning as the foot drop was kind of new but I stressed it only happened when I was fatigued and usually on my way home. He said I sprained it and I would need an x-ray and a brace. I was hangry so I was very frustrated. CES again caused me trouble after all these years. I went to the different places. I was wearing my sneakers with Velcro straps rather than laces. It didn’t stretch that much and it was a tight fit. The brace pretty much immobilized my ankle, which was good. I was thinking of getting the same kind of one for my left so it wouldn’t cause me so much pain but I will save that for when I see whomever. The resident was going to try and move up my appt so I can get some care. I kept thinking today is Friday for some reason. I just want this week to be over.

I took the train home and waited for the bus. I listened to Pearl Jam as I was so frustrated. I seriously wanted to kick someone’s ass but there was no one. I came home and my aunt was still there. She said they just ate and why didn’t I let them know. ??? I just walked in the fricken door. I sat down in the chair and showed off my new brace. I was very hot as the humidity seemed to kick it up. The house was totally unbearable. I left my AC running. It was too hot not to. I couldn’t let my meds get hot, they would become yucky and possibly ineffective. I was hungry. I cooled off and my aunt yelled that she was going home as I was talking to my her son. She said my mother was “alone” and I said to myself, what am I, a ghost? He said that I had quacky doctors and went off. I told him good-bye. I was fed up with dealing with idiots who have no idea what I have been through and have their own idea of what is wrong with my ankles. It is all stemming from my nerve damage and that made my ankles weak, hence why I was tripping over them but because it happened 17 years ago, they don’t put the things together as I am seen as “abled bodied”.

My mother was lying on her bed when I came downstairs to make my dinner. I wanted a turkey sandwich so I made one. I had chips with it. Then I took a cool shower. I felt better after I ate. I realized then I was hangry. I told my mother what my aunt said and she laughed. I was so tired afterwards. I decided to take my meds early and go to sleep. The game had just started and the Snakes scored 4 runs. It didn’t look good. I told my other cousin buona notte, I wasn’t feeling well. In my rush to get some sleep, I forgot to take my night pain meds so I was woken up. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I didn’t plan on writing a blog today but here it is. I feel better now that I wrote about this. The pic is what I now look like with the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) and the air cast. I got to follow up with the doc to find out how long I am to wear it.

My malleolus was acting up when I got to my doc’s office. Now it is blearing. While I was in the shower, it moved some way that hurt really bad. It felt like it wanted to expand my arch or something. It felt like I had sprained it but I don’t see how that was possible as I didn’t do anything to it. It might have just been a cramp. I know I am dehydrated. I have been parched the whole time I was at the doc’s office. I didn’t have cold water, just the hot bottled water that was in my bag that was gross. I had leaked again while I was out and about. I smelled of pee so bad so I needed a shower. Tomorrow I am going to wear a diaper. I have no choice. I just hope the stupid thing doesn’t leave lint shit on my privates or in my ass. It is a cheap diaper but it works. I feel so embarrassed about it. But nerve damage is not something you can mess around with. I am not leaking more than usual or anything. I just am not feeling myself when I am full and the overflow is what is leaking. Then I get the urge to go. Past two days I have been ignoring the urge so I leak. That is life with Cauda Equina Syndrome!