Category: chronic physical pain

2019May09 Fearing the Worst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May09 fearing the worst

I have been having pain (yes, once again) and it has brought out the suicidal feelings once again. I had this insane idea to take a pic of the means I want to use and send it to my psychiatrist. Lately, (or maybe fortunately) I have been holding off on sending her an email unless I think it through. I thought of the consequences and it would be a huge deal and almost certainly, cause me to be in the hospital. I held off after talking with a friend on Twitter. We instead talked about other things while my heart was feeling like it was being stabbed a thousand times. She told me about her boyfriend wasn’t going to get back with her and I felt immensely sad for her. She and I had been hoping they would get back together again but I guess it isn’t meant to be.

I fell asleep for an hour and woke up with my elbow hurting. I somehow had fallen asleep in the nook of my arm and my elbow didn’t like it. My friend had sent me a message again and we talked. I felt so messed up still. Her meds kicked and she wished me good night. I was left with my thoughts. I again thought about sending her the pic of the means. Instead, I wrote to her about the struggle I am having and also sent her a pic of the cubic model of suicide. I told her where I was on the scale. I told her the father of suicidology, Dr. Edwin Shneidman, had never really written on chronic suicidality and what to do about it. He just wanted to decrease the psychache and you decrease the suicide. I told her this and also that there is no anodyne to help with the psychache. I have no idea if she will understand all this. I told her I probably need to go in the hospital but my sisters are going away for a few days and if I go in, my mother will be left alone, which would not be a good thing. My nephew will be here but he wouldn’t know what to do if her sugar went low. He has never seen her when her sugar is low and I am sort of protecting him from that. As much as I hate this woman right now, a low sugar and the other potential that could happen would make me so fricken guilty I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Yet here I am wanting to fucking die…jesus I am messed up.

In sort of closing I told her I wanted to push her away so she doesn’t see me like this. I hate having her see me like this. I don’t recall a time when I have been like this for so damn long, well sort of. I was like this 25 years ago, a few months after I graduated high school. Unfortunately then, she was on maternity leave and when she was back, I was in the hospital for a long stay. I fear that once she reads the email, I will be asked to go to the hospital anyways, even though I explained the situation with my sisters not being available. I told her I don’t know if I can hang on till then. I also fear that she won’t give a shit and just hospitalize me involuntarily if I don’t go in voluntarily. Either way I will be sectioned. If I do go in, I hope that it is on the unit I am familiar with. If I do end up there, I hope I don’t have the “team” I had a couple years ago. They are the worst team ever and don’t help you at all. They dance around like they are but once they ignore the can you help me with this and be told we will deal with it tomorrow but it never does; then they ask when would I like to be discharged and I say okay tomorrow. Fuck you too. Nothing gets done there but it will possibly give me some space away from home enough to gather myself up so I can bear living in this hell hole.

I checked my blocked text messages tonight and found that my ex texted me Apr 30 asking for me to send her my books. She was in the hospital after a suicide attempt for 3 weeks and someone stole them. Yeah, okay. Like she can’t go to Amazon and get them or a bookstore? I mean really! I know she just wants to get back in my life in some way shape or form but it isn’t happening this time. I am done with her. She broke my heart long ago and she can’t mend it. Part of me wants to respond but I know if I do, it would be a huge mistake.

I had emailed the social worker the beginning of the week to find out about therapy. I still haven’t heard from her. It would be nice to talk to someone as I feel like such a burden to my psych right now with my craziness. I hope to hear from her sometime today. It is 415 right now so I think I am going to try and go back to sleep.

2019May08

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

2019May08

I have been in a bad suicidal mood since last night. I honestly have no idea how I survived it. I asked my psych if I could call her today and she obliged. I wanted to tell her how things really were but I couldn’t bring myself to. I just sent her an email. I hope that she doesn’t call me. I don’t want to verbalize this because it will seem more real than it is right now.

I am listening to Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini. I figure I will take advantage of listening to music before I get sensory overload. I am in a lot of pain all because I took a shower. I woke up in pain and taking a shower just exasperated it. I am getting sleepy from meds so will write more tomorrow.

2019May06 Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May06 Monday Blues

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep around 0330 and then woke up either every hour or every two. I finally gave up around noon, which by then I had pissed off two people. So ya, my day is going great and I feel frustrated and sad on top of my suicidal self. Now I just got two emails from my doctor’s office saying they approved and denied my medication request for renewal. I called the office and the new coordinator said she will have him get back to me.

Before I went to bed at 330, I emailed my psych saying that although I appreciate the close contact I have with her concerning my suicidality, I am okay and I don’t want to call her. She writes back that I “run the show!” Now sure what that is supposed to me. I don’t know if she is upset with me or not. I told her I will see her Friday and that I will call if something urgent comes up. I feel like an asshole and I don’t know why. I really am not okay and maybe she knows that but is going with it because I said so. I don’t know. I am still having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming and the feelings that go with it are getting to be too much for me to handle. I am still contained, as the hospital would say.

I wanted to go out today but because I didn’t have a good sleep, I decided not to. I made coffee at home as I needed it. I just had one cup. My face is still feeling smooth so I didn’t shave. I just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I forgot to do it yesterday. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. It is hard doing ADLs some days.

It’s a nice day. While I was in the kitchen, I opened the back door to let some air in the house. I want to open my bedroom window but it will take some doing as I probably will cause an avalanche. I have no idea how I accumulated shit there. It was cleared off when my brother in law took out the window sometime in October. I am going to try and clean out my hamper that is just a holding bin right now. I got a set of fleece sheets in there. I think I will wash them so I can put them on my bed when I clear off my bed to change them. I can’t go overboard today because I have PT tomorrow. If I do too much today, I am going to have a flare Wednesday and that won’t be good. I really don’t want to have another suicidal flare. I think it will send me off the edge.

I got such a heavy heart today and I don’t know why. It has been this way past four days now. It is a mix of anguish and despair. I feel hopeless that things will get better. I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. Part of me knows this isn’t true but it has been going on for months now and seems to just be getting worse. I am seriously thinking of going back on an antidepressant but every time I think about it, I think of the side effects and I just don’t want to deal. The one my psych wants to put me on has nausea as the most prominent side effect. Nearly everyone I know that has been on it has gotten sick the first week of starting it. I am not sure I can last a week of feeling nauseous all the time. I do have Zofran to help with it, if need be but I don’t want to be taking a med to counteract the other med. I did that with the other antipsychotic I was on. I don’t want to do it again. It is a trial and error. It could not have any effect on me.

Since getting up, I have been thinking of going in the hospital. I have been ambivalent about going in. I am weighing the pros and cons, which right now, it is mostly cons, starting with at least a 12 hour stay in the emergency room waiting for a bed. I most like will have to change into their clothes, which is like scrubs. The hard part is trying to leave the house without someone noticing I am leaving with my backpack and duffle bag. Probably the only way is to leave the house really early in the morning before my sisters leave for work. I just have to remember to grab my journal in my every day backpack. I feel like I should bring my power cords just in case I don’t go to the hospital I prefer.

Doesn’t look like I will be doing anything today as I need to take a nap. Maybe later in the evening I will when I can’t sleep. God I feel so horrible. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better.

2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo if you celebrate it. I don’t because it is a rebellion that is for only those people and I don’t drink so no point.

I had stayed up until four in the morning. I was trying to do something and it just wasn’t going to work. I had no idea time was flying while I was attempting to do this. So stupid.

Today is my cousin’s birthday. I honestly don’t remember the year she was born so no idea how old she is. I think she turned 30 last year or the year before. I was invited but couldn’t go because of pain.

“I am now the most miserable man living. if what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I cannot tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.” –Abraham Lincoln.

This quote is what things feel like now. I sent it to my psych last night as I was having strong urges and thoughts and visions of knives being in my chest. Past two days have been rough with suicidality. I wish I could say what is on my mind but am too afraid someone might call the cops on me for feeling the way I do. I see my psych on Friday and might tell her. I also need to call her, again, Monday. I want to tell her over the phone as that will be easier but on the other hand, I am not sure I will be a free bird after I tell her. I appreciate her wanting to check in with me so often but I kind of want her to leave me alone, too. I know she is worried about me and she would leave me alone if she felt I was okay enough.

I was up till 0430 this morning. I had my laptop and this document up so apparently started writing and dozed off a bit. I was in such a rotten mood last night. Because I made breakfast, my damn foot is acting up. I’ve been bad about doing PT exercises. I don’t care anymore. If I do them, I do them, if I don’t, fuck it. I hate stressing over it. I feel bad because my PT and I have been making progress except for the balance and calf issue. It has been nearly three months now and my calf is still hard as a rock. Every time I try to stretch it out, I have pain the next day and can barely stand, much less walk. I know it is sore but fuck, I need to be able to do those things, even if it is around the house. My heel pain has been much better, flaring every so often now. I have no idea what triggers the pain as I can be walking fine and then it will hurt. Last time I had just turned to throw something out while in my kitchen and was hit with pain. Then it went away (nothing really helps make it go away other than resting it). I am so tired of being in pain between the two feet that it is driving me so nuts to the point of being suicidal all the time. Sure my mood doesn’t help but neither does being in severe pain every day. The new extended release has brought my every day pain down. I forgot what it was like living with a 3 level pain every day. But the flares haven’t stopped. I still have them where I can see stars at times and then my suicidality will fricken increase so much. Usually when it calms down the next day, I am not so suicidal. Past few days, I have no idea what is going on but I just am plain suicidal. I am not going to act on what I feel or think, but damn, I can’t shake them off. I have tried things that have worked in the past but I can’t seem to decrease them and the more I try the harder they are around. Doesn’t help when your psychache is out of control, either. Psychache is when you have unbearable anguish, despair, frustration, emotional pain, guilt, perturbation, worthlessness, etc. It has been coming on strong. That is why the quote from Abraham Lincoln is so poignant right now. This quote has been on my mind a lot, too:

“I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. Hugo Wolf

I posted that with my Instagram account last night with a pick of me looking pathetic. Well, actually, it looked like I was in pain, which I was, just like I am now. Foot pain has gone up and so has psychache. Eventually my perturbation and lethality will skyrocket and I will act. I just don’t know when that will be. Maybe I will save up for a hotel room. I don’t know. I need some place to do it other than my bedroom. There isn’t any deserted places around where I live. Kind of sucks and the weather calls for rain most of the week so being outside won’t be ideal. Maybe going in the hospital will give me some breathing room. I don’t know anymore. I still need to straighten out my room. I was going to change sheets today but I don’t have the energy for it. I still need to clear off the corner of my bed that likes to accumulate shit. Trying to keep that corner clear is a joke at this point. Ready to just throw it on the floor and be done with it.