Category: chronic physical pain

2019May02

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May02

I had a good talk with my psych last night that I am still thinking about today. Unfortunately, the better mood didn’t last as today I am feeling really blah and down. I am trying to hold on to the feelings and words from last night but it is so hard, like trying to hold water in my hands. I had ordered food. I thought if I bought something I would be able to finish it even though I wasn’t hungry but I only ate about a little more than half before I couldn’t eat anymore. I couldn’t even finish the onion rings. I just feel so down. Makes me wonder if going on an antidepressant would be a good thing for at least a few weeks rather than continuing to hope this is going to pass.

I was able to clear off some of my desk stuff. I just put it in a box to go through at some point but at least my desk is clear. I just need to really dust it off. And get rid of some of the other stuff that isn’t paper related. I kicked a bunch of dust in the air, which my lungs loved. I did one thing to clear my room and now I just need to take out the trash and recycle. Kind of stinks because today was trash and recycle day. Oh well. Least the stuff will be in an empty bin.

I wasn’t on my feet too long but long enough that my foot and ankle are hurting me. It is mild right now and hope it doesn’t get worse. I am thinking of having my doc actually write up a doctor’s note just to see what she would say. She was so adamant about getting my family off my back, even having them call her if they don’t believe me that I need to be off my feet or whatever. I am not saying that to make it seem like I need an excuse not to do stuff around my room. I have been doing stuff but not at the pace my sisters want it to be done. My middle sister thinks that because I am home all day means I need to just clear and clean the whole time, not even going out of the house for coffee as if I can do that than I can do this then. I am so frustrated and being upset just contributes to my pain. It has been such a nasty cycle of pain and bad mood feeding off each other. I was having flares nearly day or just went on for days. The suicidality piece has been on mind for a long time. My psych told me not do it over this. I could hear her trying to plead with me (for lack of a better word) not to do it.

I have mixed feeling about this because I have been planning my death since January. This was well before I knew my sister was going to be moving in with us. I just had enough of the pain and low mood that I felt the end of March was to be when it would fall through. But the day I planned rained and nearly every week after that has rained or my psych intervened some how to prevent me from going through it. April was a tough month. I know the increase in my extended release med has been helping me because my pain isn’t as severe as it was. I am back down to a low 3, which I wasn’t on since starting this new med more than a year ago. I haven’t been too active since starting it only because I had flared up my leg so much compensating for pain I needed to rest it. I thought I was okay but yesterday I went out and flared it up again. I didn’t even walk more than a block. I hate that this syndrome of pain has crippled me so much. I have only left my house to go to appointments. There was only one fun day and that was when I went to a ball game the second week in April. I barely leave my house anymore for anything, not even to sit and write at Starbucks. I have decreased my funds at Starbucks because I have not gone in so long.

I understand why my psych doesn’t want me to die by my own hand. I have grown on her for a while now and even though I forget the few times she has shown her feelings for me, I know they are there. I don’t know if she can comprehend just how much I want to die, though. I know it sounds stupid, even though she does understand why I want to end things right now and I can go ahead with it any time I choose. I just haven’t. Maybe she is banking on my ambivalence. I don’t know. All week I have felt like a burden to her and a waste of her time. But last night, I felt like I wasn’t.

Since becoming disabled, I have been involved in the suicide prevention community on Twitter. A good friend of mine worked with a researching in bereavement of suicide people. That person did a large research project and found that for every suicide at least 135 people are affected. Often, those who think of suicide don’t think their lives have any meaning to anyone. I feel guilty knowing that there will be at least, if not more, than 135 people who will feel the loss of my life. I often block out my family when I am most suicidal but often think about how my nieces and nephew will be after I am gone. Sometimes it is enough to keep me here. Other times, I just can’t think about it because my suicidality is too great. I hate feeling guilty. I feel like being told this is just a huge guilt trip and that you are being forced to live a life you don’t want to live because of other people. Is that how you should live? Is somehow my suffering not enough to die but the others are? People need to stop ending their lives because of the pain of others. It is just exactly like saying your pain doesn’t count. It makes me mad that these statistics are there. But to me, I feel that everyone is just that. A statistic. That all anyone is, whether you have brown hair, red hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, etc. That is why I plan. I plan and when the day comes I decide if I am going to be around or not. Yes, I could do it tomorrow, and I may. No one is telling me I have to be here. My psych wants me to be around and I am sure there are others, too. I just don’t want to be and know one day soon, I won’t.

Sunday Blog 28 April 2019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 28 April 2019

I had slept most of the day and woke up not knowing the day of the week it was. I have been having an awful last few days. Yesterday I spent the day in bed because I didn’t go to sleep till 4 am. I got into a fight with my sisters around 1330, which flared up my pain and sunk my mood so low I didn’t think I was going to survive. Today I am in the same awful mood. I had met with my psych Friday and she said I needed to be in the hospital but I told her I didn’t want to be. She stressed the word “need” again. I gave an explanation that I was not sure I could trust my family with my things while I was inpatient, I didn’t think it would help matters, and would only annoy me all the more. I remember my last hospitalization caused me more pain than it helped alleviate. Hell, the night before I got discharged, I was in a wheelchair as my ankle went out me. I had so many flares because even though there were no stairs, things weren’t exactly close. It was a walk to get from my room to the kitchen or group room. Walking several times a day hurt me and my pain flared up at night. I won’t want to go through that again, especially when I don’t have my meds by the bedside. I will be at basically the mercy of the nurse to dispense what she/he could. I also doubt with the new laws in place, I can get my pain medication like I can. I don’t even know if psych hospitals can prescribe pain meds anymore. I really don’t want to be admitted to find this out then be screwed for three days until I can be discharged.

Plus with my mother constantly being in the living room now, it woud be extremely hard for me to leave without her knowing. I mean if I bring down a big backpack it will raise some eyebrows. So I won’t be going in. I swore the last time I was discharged the only way I would be admitted would be if I failed at an attempt. I am close to attempting any day now but I only stop because I put time between me and the attempt. I am hanging off a thread right now and I don’t know when that thread is going to break. I got into another row with my mother. I had wanted to go through some stuff in my room but after that argument, my ankle pain returned. Seems like whenever I get frustrated and angry, my pain increases lately. Stress can cause a flare when you have CRPS and I have been stressed to the maxed.

I am seeing the social worker tomorrow. She is just a social support right now until I see a therapist, whenever that may be. I have so many worries right now. My friends have been great listening to me but I worry I will be too much for them. I am worrying the crap out of my psych. It was one of the first few things she said when I saw her on Friday, not like I haven’t given her anything to worry about. I sent her a message last night that I wasn’t going to email her anymore yet I wanted to today for some reason. I held off. I think I am just going to write on paper what I want to send her and then it will be out of my system. I don’t remember half of what I tell her and often have to read the sent message as I am not sure I sent her something and what it entailed. I know when it is bad when she calls me when she gets it. I paged her the other night around 9pm because my mood was horrible due to pain being really bad. I just have not been in good space since the end of March. Honestly have no idea why or how I am still alive as my suicidality has been up and down like the weather. I seriously thought last night I would end it. Only thing keeping me from doing it was being in my room. I know that sounds dumb but as much as I have animosity toward my family right now, I don’t want them finding me dead. My middle sister really needs to stop going off about me in front of my mother. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t say what she wants to in front of my fucking face. It’s not like I can’t hear her. She is screaming so I can hear her. Just because my door is closed doesn’t mean sound doesn’t go through. I am so sick of walking on eggshells in my house. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And the stress of it is causing me so much pain. I think the new dose of the pain meds is helping now that I remembered to switch out the lower dose for the higher dose. I woke up one morning and was wondering why there was a blue pill in my box rather than the red one. I am such an idiot. Today was probably the first time in forever I woke up without serious pain. I am in pain now but I think it is only because of the earlier argument with my mother. Hope eventually I will stay at a 2 or 3. I know the pain meds won’t 100% take my pain away but at least it will be tolerable.

I am going to pack a bag just in case I need to go in the hospital. I am not sure where I will keep it. I don’t want to lock it in my room where my sisters can’t bring it to me if I don’t go in on my own. I got to be more vigilant about locking the door when I leave so no one does go in my room. It is my only haven right now. If I do decide to go into the hospital, it will have to be after Wed when my next shot is scheduled. I don’t want to risk missing a dose due to stupidity on the floor. It might take more than a day for all my meds to be worked out (hoping my pain meds won’t be one of them). I just hope one of my pillows can be packed in the bag. Hospital pillows suck.

Tales of the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

I’ve pretty much have been in a flare the whole week. It has been go go go past few days. I was supposed to rest today but I stupidly ordered my groceries to be delivered today. I had used a different app, which I will not use again because of the 20 items I ordered, 13 were delivered, 1 item was supposed to be refunded but was substituted to another similar product I don’t like. So I have 3 bottles of Starbucks dark roast coffee. I will try it. If I don’t like it, I guess I will dump it. I have no use for it and no one else like Starbucks coffee.

I did an errand after my deliveries were put away. Got annoyed with the bank my mother uses. Every single time I go, there is a problem even though my mother put my name on the account. I hate this bank so much! Then I went to pick up my meds. I had to make two trips because one was ready and the other had to be pre-authorized by my insurance.

I came home from the 2nd trip and immediately in a flare. Both times I did not wear my AFO brace. My leg, which has been acting up lately, got really painful on my walk to the pharmacy and only got worse on the way back. I was in such a flare up I couldn’t bear to listen to sounds. This meant I couldn’t distract by listening to music. I just rested in agony. I took my pain meds and some gaba. I stayed on Twitter for most of the time trying to distract. I was also on Facebook. Nothing was helping the leg pain and I knew it was from walking too much. I must have walked miles in my house, going from my room to the kitchen to the living room and back to kitchen thousands of times in the past few weeks. I am not walking correctly. I overusing my leg muscles as well using muscles to compensate for the overused muscles. Only way to remedy this is to completely stay off my leg. This is hard to do because I cannot stay in bed. If I don’t feel well I can but I need to have coffee and eat so need to go to the kitchen as well use the bathroom. Now I really need to limit going downstairs.

As I was resting and keeping track of the game, the extreme suicidal ankle pain exploded. I so overwhelmed and intense suicidal ideations occured. I wanted to end things tomorrow (today). I was thinking of emailing my psych to tell her I’ve had it but decided to call her instead. I paged her and she called me back right away. We talked and I told her how dire I was feeling. I told her I had two suicidal pains around my ankle, one worse than the other. The worst one was why I was calling. She asked if I was going to act right away. I said no. She asked if I needed to be picked up and I said the ER is not what I need right now. We talked some more about the new med changes and how it will be a few days until I know if it helps or not. One dose isn’t going to help, though it sort of did. I told her I didn’t think I was going to be around for my niece’s graduation party. She said we will take it one day at a time. Then she said I needed to call her when I got up. So before noon, I will call her, if I am up. I said I would but it is almost 3 am so is probably doubtful I will.

My foot has been doing the dystonia thing again. It is part of the reason I am still up. The area where the extreme suicidal pain is still hurts but not as bad. My foot has swelled up pretty good where it feels like it is going to burst. My veins have popped up giving my ankle a bluish hue. The ankle bone is also been hammered by unknown entity. I hate bone pain so much. I’ve taken two doses of gaba. I am contemplating taking a third. If I am still up around 4 am, I will.

Today has been such a shitty day and is not over yet. A friend wanted to give me tickets to the Sox game last night. I was in a major sensory overload flare when I was asked and I had to decline. I really hated doing so because baseball is my love. But I knew walking to the park and finding my seats and staying for a minimum of three hours would really kill me after having a nasty flare up. I made the right decision and my psych agreed with me. She was saying no, no, no which was basically doctor’s orders. I am under her clutches again and I fear I am going to burn her out. I am so suicidal and want to fucking act but like I said in my previous blog, I don’t want to do it in my room. I was thinking of doing it Friday but it is going to fucking rain again. Fucking weather. Being pissed off about this is not helping. My psych asked if I was going to act in the next few days and I told her it was a coin toss.

I honestly have no idea if I am going to survive this year. I got the impression from my psych and I think I heard her say not on her watch or something to that effect. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I fucking go through with my thoughts?? I feel like such a fucking wimp. I am so annoyed with myself. If I loathed myself before, it is 100x more.

My psych is going to try her damndest to keep me here and I don’t think pushing her away is going to work. I told her I only called her because I knew if I emailed her, she would call me. I really needed to talk to her or someone, well someone that i trusted. Right now she is the only person I do trust. I can’t risk telling someone else my dark thoughts. They will freak out and things will be bad.

I am falling asleep so will end here.

bunch of worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bunch of worries

I woke up at 6 am because of a headache and my foot hurting me. Always nice to wake up in pain, not. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I kind of wanted to but yesterday I did and I felt like shit after so I decided to stay awake even though I am sleepy.

I see my PCP today. I have swelling on my leg that has now spread to my shin. It is hard as a rock and if you press on it, it is painful. I am not sure my increase in standing and moving around is the cause or not. It sort of feels like it did right before I was deemed disabled by my work. With having nothing to do, I rested it and the muscles/tendons calmed down but the pain in my ankle and foot remained. I have no idea if CRPS is spreading up my leg or not. I have raised the issue with my neurologist who blew me off. I also have a new swelling just above my ankle. I am worried about all of this. Plus my review of my LTD paperwork that I will be giving to my new pcp to fill out makes me nervous because he doesn’t know me well (only seen him one time) and here I am telling him what to write, or at least giving him stuff about what my symptoms are and everything.

I had my appointment with the social worker. We talked about things and a little about my suicidality. She asked me an odd question. She asked how do I think I will die, whether it be peacefully or what down the line. My first thought was “are you kidding me?” Did she hear that I was suicidal and currently contemplating when I will carry this out? I told her I will die by my own hand. I don’t know when that will be (hopefully soon but didn’t tell her that part). She then asked if I will see her next week. She gave me the option to cancel. I guess she doesn’t want to be committed to seeing me as she is just filling in until I have someone, which I am not sure when that will be. She has told me the psychiatrist for the practice has taken my information and is seeking out a psychologist for me. In the meantime, I am planning my death because it is what I do. Doesn’t mean I will act on it. I just like having it because it has always been my back up plan. She understands that it is an escape for me.

After my appointment with the pcp today, I am to call my psychiatrist. I have no idea if I will. Last time that she wanted me to call, I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk about it (it was with my previous PCP, who was a dipshit). So we will see how it goes. I weighed myself yesterday and if the goddamn scale is right, I have gained about eight pounds in a few days time. I haven’t had a bowel movement in more than a week now. I hope that isn’t why my weight has mysteriously gone up. But the scale could be wrong. I will be wearing sweatpants today instead of jeans so I can have a better weight. Of course, medical scales always adds pounds so I am not sure what the hell I am. If it is greater than five pounds, I will be getting a new scale.

I have been finagling the bagel over my bills, which I need to pay tomorrow. I have been going up and down with my grocery bill. I put stuff in my cart and then when it comes down to crunching numbers, I take them out. I had bought stuff to make my chili cornbread casserole dish that I love, but I went to the store yesterday and bought the stuff. I made it for dinner last night. It came out so fricken good! I will have it for dinner tonight when I come home from my appointment.

I hope my psych will be okay in just calling her today. I see her Friday and as much as I don’t want to see her, I unfortunately have to because I need refills on my meds. I also need my medical meds refilled so when I see my pcp I have to tell him. I hope my nerves don’t get the best of me and I forget. I also need to call the stupid pharmacy to see if they have it in stock. If not, I will call another pharmacy until I find one that has it in stock. I only have one day supply left so I can’t wait more than a day to get them in. Just hope I don’t have to go outside my town to get them. That will really suck.

I am getting sleepy. I think I will make a cup of coffee. I don’t know if I want to go downstairs as my mother just went down. She uses the whole kitchen counter to make her breakfast and I have to go around her to get what I need. I hate that. I am grumpy until I have had my coffee. I am not sure if I will have something to eat or not. I won’t be home till at least 5 pm or so as my appointment is at 3pm. I generally like late appointments but it just interferes with the damn bus schedule. Today I have to leave the house at 1230 or I have to wait till almost 2pm for the next bus to the Square. It really sucks that it is more than an hour for either bus to come. I hate the new schedule so much. But because of the stupid extension of the train line, the bridge is out so the bus has to go through a detour to get to the square. It is kind of faster as there is less traffic, unless we get behind another bus (there are two other buses that share the detoured street). I am glad that both buses that come to my street go to the square now, but the times are all screwy. I hope it isn’t going to stay that way until the bridge is rebuilt.