Category: chronic physical pain

Painsomia and me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

Another night of pain. My foot and ankle are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I’m really tired and want to sleep but I just hurt too bad. I’ve taken all that I can right now. I might take an ativan to see if that helps.

I’m really thinking about suicide. I can’t help it. I feel so rotten. I don’t know what the point is to keep going. I really just don’t want to be this way anymore. I’ve tried to get help but no one wants to. I just keep getting the run around. See this doc,who sends me to this doc, who sends me to yet another doc. It is like a passing game. Mean while, my pain is through the pain roof. I get pain anxiety attacks. And then people wonder why I get suicidal. 

I put my compression sock on. It helped the hammering pain of my malleolus. But then the pain that was shooting down to my foot returned. I can’t keep up with the changing pain. 

I’m probably going to sleep most of the day,which means I probably won’t be making the phone calls I need to make. I need to make them this week. I am scared to do it. It will only make my plan more real.

Because I cancelled my appt with my therapist, it will be the 2nd week I’ve missed him. Last week he was off. I don’t know if I should continue with him. I don’t see the point. Like why bother if I am just going to die. I can just talk in the meantime about stuff. He isn’t a structured therapist.he pretty much just goes with the flow. I like it but sometimes it is annoying.  

I’ve been keeping a draft about my deep dark stuff. I wrote about it when I am really feeling despair. I been writing in the dates I modify it. I don’t know if I will publish it. I want to add a few more paragraphs to it. Then I think I will. It will be password protected so “hero”jerks don’t call the cops on me.

Ativan is kicking in. Thanks for reading. šŸ˜Š 

Sunday Blog on Earth Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog on Earth Day 2018

Today was my nieceā€™s birthday and I woke up an hour before I had to be downstairs. My mother never called me to put on her socks so I pretty much slept, even though I once again had weird dreams. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and my mother was in there, getting ready for the party. I asked if I could use the toilet and she said okay. She then asked me if I would put the socks on. I said okay. I brushed my teeth before I did. She then asked what took me so long. Seriously??

After I put the socks on, I just went downstairs. I forgot to take my pain meds and it had been hours since my last dose. My ankle was throbbing so I asked my niece to get them for me. She brought the bottle and I took them (not the bottle!) It was a good party. I was talking to my nephew about computers and saw the Celtics lose by two points. I havenā€™t watched basketball since Larry Bird retired. The uniforms were horrid. I couldnā€™t watch the last 33 seconds. The Sox were losing as well. They lost last night. The Aā€™s pitcher got a no hitter and despite my best in jinxing it, it didnā€™t work. The Sox got their first series loss of the season. It is their 4th game they lost.

My cousin came over with her baby. I havenā€™t seen the baby since it was born. I donā€™t go down the street because I donā€™t like her grandmother, my aunt. The baby was so damn cute. I held her and I missed my ā€œkidsā€ being that small. It kind of felt good to hold a baby. I donā€™t know why.

My pain was relatively okay during the party. I didnā€™t hurt until I came back up to my room. Course I get to my room and then my mother calls me to take off her socks. UGH. So I went up and down the stairs in a short time. Ankle did not like that. Then I realized it was close to med time and I havenā€™t filled my box for the week. Double UGH! I filled the box and took my meds. Took two steps back to my bed and ankle had a flare. I am hurting so damn fucking bad.

I want to thank my readers who read my blog, no matter what I post and comment to support or just let me know they are there or that I helped them through whatever. It means a lot and it is really appreciated.

waves of despair due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, suicidality, suicide

Waves of despair due to pain

The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasnā€™t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.

So my thoughts went to suicide. Iā€™ve been stuck in this hole and I donā€™t think there is anyway out. I really donā€™t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I donā€™t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was ā€œangryā€. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.

Itā€™s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I canā€™t find out because the office isnā€™t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. Itā€™s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.

I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isnā€™t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I donā€™t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.

baseball torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I donā€™t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I donā€™t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didnā€™t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I donā€™t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didnā€™t like the morningā€™s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I donā€™t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didnā€™t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. Itā€™s good because I donā€™t have to leave the house and yet bad because I donā€™t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldnā€™t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didnā€™t do it. Itā€™s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.