Category: chronic physical pain

exhausting Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting Friday

I slept about 8 hours, though I woke up around 0430. I wasn’t happy. It has been more than 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds and I was starting to feel weird. I also had to pee like a racehorse. I quickly took my pain meds then rushed to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, my ankle was hurting. I stayed up for a couple hours before going back to sleep. I was hungry but I figure I would eat when I woke up next.

My mother was yelling on the phone when I woke up around 0940. I had no idea what she was talking about. I went to the bathroom and overheard her conversation. She was talking pleasantly to someone so she must have hung up on the person she was yelling at. I can only guess it was her sister. I checked the time when I came back to my room. I just missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed to go to town for my prescriptions as well as to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I wanted to listen to the ball game as well.

I got dressed around 1030 and my mother wanted me to check on my niece as my brother in law was home sick. She had just got up and was okay. I left for the bus stop. It was sunny out but cold. I had a window before it started raining and I hoped to beat it. I ordered my Starbucks drink with the mobile app as I had a free reward. I got a snickers latte. I had it iced. I had to go through each thing to customize the drink. I then saved it to my favorites so I could order it next time I had a reward. By the time I was finished and put the order through, I was close to the Square. I had some pain in my ankle but it was bearable.

I had to sit at one of the bar seats when I got to Starbucks as the table seats were all taken. This kind of puts pressure on my ankle so I just wrote in my journal for a bit before leaving. I didn’t want to aggravate my ankle and cause a flare. I left for town and knew I would miss the first inning of the ball game. There was no way I would be home by 1.

The trains were on time and I got to my doc’s office for my prescriptions. Neither secretary was seeing anyone so the one I was talking to didn’t do anything as the other had already went to get my envelope. I told her she wasn’t fast enough. They laughed. It had started drizzling when I left despite it still being blue skies. That changed by the time I got back to the Square. It was getting really cloudy. I timed it right so I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to Walgreens and there was a wait. The regular girl wasn’t at the register. I stood waiting for like 20 minutes, all the while my ankle talking to me. I paid for my scripts and then went home. It started to rain by the time I got to my street. Great. I had to get my mother’s stuff out of the basement freezer and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I got a bag to put the stuff in and then went to the basement. The freezer wasn’t making any noises and some items were not frozen. I thought this was odd. I got the stuff with enough that I could carry and then told my brother in law. He thought someone must not have shut the door tightly last time they opened it. I wasn’t convinced. I put the stuff I brought upstairs away and then rested for a few. I then went back downstairs to make sure I got everything and grabbed a few more things. I then went back to my brother in law and told him something is not right. He said the breaker might have been tripped and it was. He said he had the flu and I stayed clear of him. I don’t want to get sick. I went back upstairs with what I grabbed and then went up to my room. I was hungry but didn’t know what to have. I listened to the game for a bit. They scored three runs in the bottom of the 4th inning. I knew they would win so I went back downstairs to make something to eat. I was getting exhausted going up and down stairs. My legs felt like jelly. I made some sausages that had thawed out. I asked my mother how to make them as I never made them before. She told me to split them and then put them in the oven. I did. After 20 minutes, they looked like pancakes, they had flatten out. When I told my mother this, she laughed at me. UGH. I told her that was my lunch and dinner as I didn’t eat and then she said what am I on a diet? I said if I was I wouldn’t starve myself! Fucking ignorant bitch. She really pissed me off.

It’s really cold in my room. I don’t know if my mother touched the heat again. Going to be cold until Tues or Wed when the temps will be in the 50s. Crazy weather. Supposed to have periods of rain though. Just hope my spine doesn’t act up. I hate it when it aches. I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday. We have a lot to talk about. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. I also see my psychiatrist Wed. I will need a refill on one of my psych meds then. I think now, I have all my psych meds on the same refill schedule. Only took me 4 months to get them together. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 am tomorrow. I hate waking up that early and then getting sleepy a few hours later. Then I feel like shit the rest of the day. Doesn’t matter what time I go to bed. Sucks! I know it wouldn’t happen if I was on a longer acting pain med. I think my sleep would be better as I wouldn’t wake up in pain.

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.

surviving depression 23 June 2006

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

June 23, 2006

I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me. The only thing that is keeping me alive these days is my word to my therapist that I won’t go through with my thoughts. The pain of living is just too much to bare right now. My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I keep telling her that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, “Only one option left, to suffer”. She is my inspiration as she has bipolar disorder, tried to die by suicide, and is one of the leading researchers/teachers of the disorder. I know it doesn’t make sense to suffer all the time but millions of people out there do it everyday. We few that are in this group do it every day, though it is most difficult and we come from different backgrounds and sections of the world. I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize when we feel this way, it is NOT our true selves, it is the disorder that is talking. I know we all feel like scum of the earth for no reason other than for being allowed to breathe, to be something called alive that we wish we didn’t have to be. One reason why I have read so much about depression and there are a lot of good books out there, is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, then you can know what to do, sometimes when it isn’t hitting you on the head with a 60 lb hammer. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we are no longer feel apart of the human race because our b&b are not functioning and we have physical pain that is driving us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. One of the books that I had read said that suicide is complete in 10 minutes and if you wait out those ten mins, you will survive. The same thing goes for depression. Though instead of 10 mins, it’s more like 10 days or more. But it doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts, and we return to “normal” functioning until the next episode. The HARDEST part of this fucking disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worse of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it is for the first time, that we are NEVER going to feel better, ever. I am telling you that you are. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, tomorrow might be a better day and if it is not, least you survived today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be here for you. Count on it.

About the mood stabilizers, I suffer from bipolar depression, which is a little different than major depression. I sometimes have periods where I am really hyper, don’t sleep, eat, think I am on top of the world, talk excessively, and can’t stand still. These periods don’t last too long, maybe a week or two, then I either have a period of being normal and/or crash big time. I take Trileptal for it and it has helped some with the Cymbalta. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is used a “mood stabilizer”. There are other drugs that are used, but you should be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation. Most GP’s don’t have a clue about psychotropic meds and it isn’t a good idea for them to play around with it if you don’t have the diagnosis.

another warm February day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another warm February day

It is 72 degrees F right now. I went on my back porch and there were bugs flying. I need to fix my screen for my window. I had broken it in November when I took out my AC. It was either break it or have the AC fall. I just hope the screen place can fix it and I don’t have to go to Home Depot for the frame. It is mostly intact except for the corners. The screen itself is okay.

I woke up at 5 again in pain. I was sweating because it was hot in my room. I wanted to shower but it was too early. I would probably wake up my sister and brother in law as their bedroom is below my bathroom. I stayed up for a bit and then got hungry so made a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep even though my foot was angry.

I woke up around noon. My friend in Canada had messaged me so we were talking for a bit. I wanted to make pancakes but my foot and ankle were being assholes. I didn’t want to flare it up more. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to move, much less leave my room. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I decided to shower and then make some buffalo wings. I think my mother is making a chicken stir fry as I saw some chicken chunks in the fridge. She is probably going to make rice for an army. I don’t understand why she makes so much when no one eats it. It ends up getting moldy and then tossed. Drives me crazy.

I haven’t read Harry today, not yet anyway. Voldemort just got the Elder Wand. I decided to stop there, for now. After I read Harry, I plan on reading 1984. There has been a lot of talk about the book since the Orange Buffoon has been in office. I think I read it when I was in high school or soon after I graduated, though I really don’t remember what it was about. I keep thinking of Brave New World and I know that isn’t the same thing.