Category: chronic physical pain

pain and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain and therapy

I had therapy today and I was in a rotten mood. We talked about how scared I was about my mother being in the hospital and her heart being dysfunctional. Then I talked about how I wanted to die. I told her to just write me off as hopeless. She said there are no hopeless cases. I really wanted her to say ok, I won’t see you anymore just so I could off myself. But she isn’t going to do that. We set up another appointment for the week and we will start the managing chronic pain book. I asked if I needed to keep the appointment and she said it would be for me if I keep it.

I don’t know if I am going to keep it. I got the fuck its big time and just don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. But I can’t right now and that sucks. I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder/neck. I started hurting with leg pain before my suicidal melt down. We were talking about how PT really hurt and I wanted to die but instead told the PT that I wanted to cry. She said that I couldn’t cry so she put some biofreeze on me. Thing me sweat so bad. My shirt was soaked by the time I got home.

I have PT tomorrow. I was talking to a friend that has had shoulder injuries and she said it could be years for knots to be taken out. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I will hate being in pain for years with this. I will definitely die if that happens. The pain is horrible. The pain goes around my ear and in my jaw. It is so awful. I am hurting something really bad and I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

I finally changed my sheets today. I am in my mother’s bed as the new foam topper takes shape. It could be up to 48 hours for it to hold shape. UGH I didn’t know this. So tomorrow my niece will help me make my bed. I tried today and my back wouldn’t have it. I folded my clothes and it took all the energy I had to do it. My back was so bad. I would have done the dishes but I was hurting too much. My ankle has flared up now so I am stuck in bed. I took double my BT meds. I hate doing that because I can’t take more if I need it. But sometimes two work better than one pill. I am getting tired so I should be going to bed shortly. I just wanted to write this down while I was still up.

Saturday blog 20022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Today started a little late because I felt like sleeping in. I didn’t get up till around noon. I took my meds and then went for coffee. I don’t remember if I brushed my teeth or not. I made coffee as I felt like shit. I had to do laundry today so I had some breakfast and then went upstairs. I stayed in my room until I heard my mother come up the stairs. She had plans of her own. I went downstairs and started throwing clothes in the washer. My sister was telling me my mother was adamant about coming upstairs and taking a shower. But after she came up the stairs, my mother was exhausted. She almost passed out and was unresponsive for a few minutes. We called an ambulance. Her sugar was okay and so was her oxygen so we didn’t know what was wrong.

After testing in the ED, it was determined my mother’s heart valves aren’t working right and she is dehydrated. She is going to spend a few days in the hospital. I am glad it wasn’t a TIA (transient ischemic attack). I don’t know if covid is responsible for her heart troubles or not.

After I found out the news, the pain in my neck returned. I just put heat on and it didn’t help. I just took some meds. I did two loads of laundry and dishes plus made dinner for myself. I am tired but still have this nervous energy.

I am hoping tomorrow I can change my sheets. Might ask my sister for help if my neck is bothering me too much. I feel awful. I just hurt so much with my neck and shoulder and ankle. I hope that it is just taking time to loosen these muscles up. I still have a few more sessions with my PT. She is really good with what she is doing. I just don’t know how much longer it is going to take.

PT Pain and Torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT pain and torture

I went out in the snow to my PT appointment and I left with being in more pain than I was. But it was a different kind of pain. I am very sore and can barely move my arm but I got to keep moving it. I am putting heat on it right now to try and soothe it.

After PT, I went grocery shopping. I bought a lot of coffee and just a half gallon of half and half. I also bought some burgers that I will make tonight for dinner. I am supposed to wash clothes but I am hurting too much. I am very depressed and feel like crying. The floor guys didn’t come because the helper has Covid. They won’t be able to work on the areas in two weeks. My mother isn’t going to like this. She was looking forward to going back upstairs this weekend.

I had therapy yesterday and it went ok. We talked a lot about safety as my suicidal levels are high right now due to pain. She wanted me to write it down the things we talked about. I was reluctant at first because it is the same thing over and over again. I added to take medication and she was for it. She asked if I will do the things I wrote and I said I will try it. I probably am not going to call a hotline.

I had zoom with my cousins tonight. One of my older cousins still calls me my deadname and “lady”. I hate that at every meeting I need to remind her of my name and pronoun. I even have it in my zoom profile G (he/him) so I don’t know what the problem is. Fuck. I was telling my therapist yesterday that my mother still calls me daughter, especially for medical stuff. It is so hard to bring up. I feel like she is ashamed of me.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I kept on waking up every few hours in pain. Then I don’t know what happened but my right foot was under my left foot and it (right) jerked, causing my toenails to scratch me. It hurt pretty bad and there is a long scratch on my ankle. My niece put bandaids on it. It is still painful because I have no skin on the bone of my ankle. I don’t know how it happened. So weird. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Journal entry 15022021 1603

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Journal entry 15022021 1603

Having a rough day. Pain in shoulders and neck is making me suicidal. I want to text my therapist but I know she won’t respond. Fucking bugs me.

My left leg has been hurting me since last night. Hammy is killing me and I am having pain in my ankle. I’ve noticed I will get hamstring pain with this ankle pain. I’m so sick of being in pain every day I am in pain. Very depressing. I sent psychiatrist another message about increasing the citalopram. Hope he does. I should be at 60 mg right now but I am at half that dose. This doc doesn’t believe in celexa like I do. Really bothers me.

I half cleared off my bed. I just need to clear my “office” stuff. I should be done tomorrow. I will put the foam topper on in the AM before I leave for PT. That will give it a couple of hours to settle. Ideally, it needs twenty-four hours but I’, going to give it 12 or so.

Tomorrow is supposed to rain and be icy. I got to be careful while I’m out. I don’t want to slip and get another concussion. Taylor Swift is coming out with a new old album called Fearless (Taylor’s version). Not sure if she is going to do all of her albums. The new version is to have 26 songs, 10 not released before. I can’t wait.

I’m so depressed. SO sick of being in pain. Therapist is going to buy managing chronic pain so we can do the exercises together. I told her CRPS is a brain disorder as well as a neuro one so now she thinks it’s important to do the skills and shit. I am so tired. Pain kept me up again last night. Left shoulder kept hurting and then my right arm would fall asleep. I really couldn’t get comfy last night. I did take BT meds and Zanaflex. It’s all that I could do.

I really hope I can go to PT tomorrow. I really want some more of the dry needling so I hurt less. It all depends on how icy it is. I hope I don’t have to change it to a virtual appointment because that will suck. I really need a massage to feel better.

I am in the fence about taking a nap before going to bed. I am just so tired because I took some Zanaflex and it is making me drowsy. I am in a fuck it mood so just been taking whatever to try and ease this pain in my neck and leg. There is supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow so I know that is why I am hurting. I fucking hate storms. They always make my pain worse.