For those wondering, here is what a future blog post of CAMS is about. I will be writing more about this and the SSF in greater detail.
Category: mental disorders
midnight demon post
I have been up since 0900. it is now 0300 as I write this. My foot started really hurting at 0200, just when I was about to really get into some sleep. I took my meds just now as it has been a while and a muscle relaxer to try and see if I can sleep. I am just miserable because I have not been able to get a good night’s sleep in two days now. I hope that when I do fall asleep I really sleep.
I emailed my psychiatrist. My therapist is on vacation and there is no way I can talk to her for a check in so I emailed my pdoc. She is good about my emails. I don’t get any responses usually. So I just write what I feel and ship it off to her. I told her my suicidal thoughts have increased because of the pain, having my menses, and lack of sleep. I am thinking of taking rat poison. It’s a good thing I don’t have any on hand. It will take me some time to get it though as I don’t think mice poison will work as well. I will have to do some calculations to get the dose right and I hate math. I used to be good in math until I met Calculus. I sucked at it until my last term in high school. Now I can’t even do basic algebra. I forgot how to do it. good thing there is Google…
I really was having a good day today. Now it is spoiled by pain. I wish I did something to cause the pain but I didn’t. I was just laying in bed for the past few hours trying to get to sleep and playing on my laptop or checking twitter on my phone. I find that I can do stuff on twitter with my phone better than using the web. The phone has features that you don’t have on the web, which is strange. But then, I don’t design these things.
On a sad note, I found out Eileen Brennan passed away and my rookie shortstop for the Sox has been traded to the Tigers. I am deeply saddened by this. I loved Eileen and Iggy. Tonight Iggy made a base running error that was comical. I wish I could post it here but it’s against WordPress and probably MLB policy rights. If you Youtube Jose Iglesias and base running, I am sure there is a clip of it. Or not. I just checked and it’s not there. 😦
I liked watching Iggy play. I think he is a superb player. He has quick hands and a good bat. I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him in a Tigers uniform.
Eileen Brennan I will always remember her in Private Benjamin. I loved watching her there. I know she has played in other shows since then but her performance in Benjamin was hysterical, to me anyways.
So my demons are out and I have to live with them tonight because I am getting not respite from my relief medication. This totally sucks donkey balls. It’s also freezing in my room because I have the AC on. I am covered with my sheet and comforter. I am too lazy to shut off the ac because I know I will have to turn it back on in a few hours when my room gets hot again. Nothing worse than being woken up because you are hot. Maybe that is why I didn’t get any good sleep. My room was too warm, even though I have the ceiling fan running at high.
So these are my thoughts when I am in a bad place. This is why I call them the midnight demons. Because they are demons. they are the dark thoughts that no one wants to hear ever. I was talking to my cousin tonight about my pain and he gave me credit for handling it. I didn’t tell him it makes me want to commit suicide. I did tell him that if my PCP ever stops giving me my pain medication, he might as well sign my death certificate. There is no way that I can live without my pain meds. I am not saying I am addicted to them, because there are days where all I will need is one pill or no pills for a day or so. Then there are days like tonight that I need 4-6 pills to control my pain. I don’t take all of the 4-6 at once. Just 2 every 4-6 hours. In my desperate hours, I have taken 3-4 at once, when I am in a FUCK it mode. I thought about taking that tonight but decided against it. I really am scared about how the new policy my doc’s office has it going to affect me. I am hoping there is no radical change. I won’t be able to handle it. According to this new policy, I will only get a 28 day supply of meds and will need to be seen every month to get it refilled. It’s a standard policy that I have come across from the pain management docs that I have seen. the thing that scares me is that there is a clause that states that if my provider doesn’t see that i am getting better or that there is no change, he might decide to discontinue the medication. I have a condition that is not likely to improve at ALL. If I don’t take this medication, I am screwed. I will be in pain and will likely commit suicide because it will be the only option I have left. I cannot go on suffering like this. I just can’t. I have exhausted all possibilities that this will get better, no amount of physical therapy or other treatments are available to me. I know losing weight is a big thing. And I am trying to work on that but it is not easy. I love to eat which is part of my problem. Even now I am fighting the urge to have a bowl of cereal. But that will mean going down stairs to my kitchen and I don’t think going down stairs will help my pain.
It’s been an hour and a half that I have had this flare up and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of calming down. How I wish I could see my doc right now and tell him how badly I hurt. But my doc is not available at this hour, except for emergency docs which will be the on call doc who might not be mine and won’t know me from Adam. And even if I do page him, there is no guarantee that he or she will provide me with adequate relief at this hour, other than telling me to go to the ER. I hate this bullshit where I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it other than pray my pain meds work or at least knock me out.
This is what I go through on a daily basis. Why I have not attempted to kill myself is a mystery to me. I have thought about it a thousand and one times and still have not made any attempt to kill myself in the past year and a half. I want to so bad though. I think it will provide me some relief that I am seeking. But if I am successful, then I will be ok. My family might be destroyed but I will be in a better place, I hope, where there is no suffering like this.
Night blog
this is the first time that I am writing a third blog in a day. I am sorry for the posts but I am in so much pain I don’t know what else to do. I can’t say that I did too much because I didn’t. I just know that my foot is on fire and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have taken meds to quiet things down and I am hoping with the Ativan I can get some sleep in a little while.
I actually am afraid of sleeping for fear of having that weird dream again. Or another one. I also don’t know why I had an anxiety attack on the bus again. I guess it is getting to be paranoia that I won’t be able to get off the bus at my stop because I don’t want to fall down. My balance on my right foot has been off the past several months, especially when I am turning. I seem to lose my footing because I don’t know where my foot is. It is so frustrating that when I am seen by people it looks like I am drunk.
I got so upset about my menses after my last bathroom break I needed to talk to someone. I just can’t handle this menses situation anymore. I am now bleeding more than I did last week, which technically, I should be bleeding less not more at this stage of the game. I am not a reproductive expert but I know when a period should end. and after seven fucking days, it should be OVER. I should not be continuing to bleed dammit. I am sorry if this sounds gross or disgusting but it is how I feel. I am so upset by this. I am supposed to wear boxers not pads all the time. I am supposed to be a male and because I am not in the right body, this shit happens and I am distressed about it. I was texting to a friend tonight and as I was, I was also writing to my therapist about hanging myself. that is me, I am splitting tonight. In one instant I am texting about marinara sauce and in my writing I am writing about the length of rope I should use.
I should be sleeping because I took some neurontin. But the stuff has not kicked in yet. I also just took my pain meds and some ativan but I am still fucking hyper and in pain. I bet the pain is going to go away first and then the ativan will kick in to put me to sleep. I just hope I don’t wake up at four in the morning again. that is what has caused all this bullshit. I am not sleeping at all through the night. I can’t remember a night where I slept past eight in the morning. It pisses me off. I think I should be up all night and then just sleep during the day. But then my mother thinks that I sleep too much. How can I sleep too much if I am not sleeping during “normal” sleeping hours??
I finished my Lincoln book that I was reading. I just have to read the Epilogue. but I really kind of don’t want to. I like the book because at the end it gives the same speech in the end as in the Lincoln movie. Maybe I should watch that tomorrow. I have not watched it in a while.
God this pain is unreal. It feels like someone is trying to shove a hot poker through my foot. I know it is nerve pain but I usually don’t get the hot poker feeling so I am not sure what that is about. I hope that my CRPS is not getting worse than what it is. I have been getting “hot flashes” in my foot the past several days now. My foot just feels really hot but when you touch it is cool. I don’t know what is going on. I am scared that the nerve damage is spreading or that I somehow twisted my good part of my ankle and now it is sore. I won’t know for a few weeks because that is when I see my PCP. By then, the pain could be gone and I would look like a fool. Either that or the pain will change to something else. I have had so much different types of pain in my foot I think my doc thinks I am making it up just so that I can get pain meds. I swear I am not. It’s just that the worse part of the pain happens at night and not during the day. Though this type of pain, the hot poker, seems to be happening more during the day and then gets worse at night.
Because of this I am constantly thinking of ways to end my life. The problem is that I don’t want my nieces to find my body. And so I can’t kill myself at home. I wish I could just chop my foot off right now. It is so killing me. I know I am not alone with my thinking of killing myself because I am depressed and in pain. That some how comforts me but at the same time it doesn’t. I know that I can’t beat this diagnosis. the pain changes too much for anyone to really believe me. how can they when one day I say that it is a hot poker and another time I say that it is like a barbed wire going though my ankle? or that my foot explodes in pain and I can’t move my last three toes. This doesn’t happen during the day. it only happens at night so when my doc examines me, I am not hurting. I don’t get the exploding pain, the hot poker, the barbed wire. It is SOOOOOO frustrating!!!! I don’t know if my doc believes me. I know my psychiatrist does and my physiatrist does. but I don’t know if my PCP does.
This is what I think about at night, when I can’t sleep. This is why my blog is called the midnight demons because that is truly when the demons come out, either mentally or physically. it truly sucks!
Schizoaffective Disorder: a clinical paper
Schizo-affective disorder is a mixture of two kinds of major mental illnesses, mood disorders and schizophrenia. The patient meets criteria for either major depression or bipolar disorder and criteria for schizophrenia. The illness usually begins in early adulthood and is treated with both pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. The diagnostic criteria for schizo affective disorder is an uninterrupted period of illness during which, at the same time, there is either 1) major depressive episode, 2) a manic episode, or 3) a mixed episode concurrent with symptoms that meet criteria for schizophrenia. The type is usually specified as either bipolar type, if it includes mania or a mixed state or depressive type if the disturbance only includes major depressive episodes.
Criteria for Major depressive episode is as follows:
Five or more of the following has been present for at least 2 weeks and represent a change in functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. Depressed mood is present most of the day, nearly every day, marked diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities during the day, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia or hypersomnia, psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day, diminished ability to think or concentrate, and recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. The symptoms do not meet criteria for mixed episode or cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important area of functioning. The symptoms are not due to drugs or a general medical condition or caused by bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist longer than 2 months.
The criteria for Manic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week. During the period of mood disturbance, there are three of the following symptoms: inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep, more talkative than usual, insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day, psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, flight of ideas or racing thoughts, distractibility, increase in goal-directed activity, and excessive involment in pleasurable activities that have a potential for painful consequences (e.g. unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, foolish investments.) The symptoms do not meet the criteria for mixed episode and are not caused by drugs or a general medical condition.
Criteria for mixed episode are met both for a manic episode and major depressive episode for nearly every day for one week. The disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others or there are psychotic features. The symptoms are not due to the direct effects of drugs or a general medical condition.
Criteria A for schizophrenia is the following symptoms that last for at least 1 week: delusions, hallucinations (auditory and visual), disorganized speech (incoherence), grossly disorganized behavior or catatonic behavior, and negative symptoms such as affective flattening, alogia, or avolition. Only one symptom is required if delusions are bizarre or hallucinations consist of a voice keeping up a running commentary on the person’s thoughts or behaviors, or two or more voices conversing with each other. During the same period, there have been delusions or hallucinations for at least 2 weeks in the absence of prominent mood symptoms and meet the criteria for a mood episode that are present for a substantial portion of the illness. The disturbance is not caused by drugs or a general medical condition. (from http://www.psychologynet.org/schizaff/html).
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