Category: mental illness

100th Blog (ramblings 13)

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This is my 100th blog. I had wanted it to be meaningful but I am still working on the meaningful part. I started writing it today on the father of suicidology and a man that means a lot to me. I got half way done and then got interrupted. I couldn’t finish a thought to save my life. I hate it when that happens…

I did get my glasses fixed today. It just needed a small adjustment and now I can see without things in my bifocal part being blurry. I ordered my bibliography program and my dad’s x-mas gift. Now I just need to get my mother, sisters, and kids something. One down and I don’t know how many others to go…

Been thinking about what happened the beginning of the week. If things had gone the way that I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have been here for Thanksgiving, or I would have been somewhere other than home. I can’t seem to get the desperation out of my head and now every time I have a pain that is a 5 or 6 I wonder if it will trigger something bad inside me. The demons really came out last Monday. I couldn’t stand because of pain and spasms. I just wanted it to end. And if I had the bottle of anti-spasm meds by my bedside, I know I would have taken the whole bottle until things did stop. I have had severe heartburn since that night. I think the stress of me becoming that way again is overwhelming me. I mean, I didn’t really do much that day except possibly stand too much and walk a few extra steps than I had to. I didn’t do any more stairs than to my room that day. And for whatever reason, just lying in bed reclining was enough to set off both of my feet into agonizing pain and spasms. I really just wanted to die because I couldn’t take my meds, couldn’t walk the few feet to my bureau to get them. I only had what was near me and then I passed out only to wake up at 0230 am. Sleep has not been good the past week. I think that has contributed to my mental deterioration. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up again. I just tired of everything but I just can’t sleep. Sure I can nap for a couple of hours but I don’t want to get into that habit. I really just want a solid six hours of sleep. I don’t think I am asking too much.

Golf ball post

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I should write a song about golfballs being an ankle. That is the type of swelling I have right now and it hurts like hell. I guess I did too much cookie making this morning. Course last night I ended up taking a few too many of this and that. I am really surprised I woke up today. If I didn’t I would be happy. I hate not being able to sleep for more than a few hours these days and not being able to see with my new glasses. Is that asking too much??

Because of my medication OD, I swear to God I thought today was Wednesday all day. Wed I am supposed to pick up my niece at 12. Well seeing as I got my days wrong, I went to the school anyway and at 12 was wondering why no one was coming to pick up their kids. Place is always a mad house when school is let out. I go on playing with my phone and then realize today is TUESDAY not WEDNESDAY ya dummy….so I walk home. Only to reach the front steps of my house when my cousin kindly reminds me that I should get rid of my junk box and get a car. If another family member on my mother’s side tells me I should just buckle down and get a fricken damn car, I am going to put a sock in their mouth!! A nice dirty smelly sock!!

So I am going to go off to dream land for a bit. I’ll probably be back around 3-5 am when I wake up to use the bathroom or just wake up to start the day. I kid you not, the past few nights have been torture and trying to get back to sleep has been hell…

No Spoons Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, sports, suicide attempt

Started the day with no spoons. I was up most of the night in pain. I woke up very fatigued so decided to take a shower. The shower exhausted me to no end. I just wanted to go back to bed but I so wanted a coffee at Starbucks. I timed the shower and the bus schedule correctly. By the time I was done with my shower and got dressed, the bus was approaching. I got to Starbucks and I didn’t think I was going to have a seat but a lady left just after I ordered my coffee and I swooped in to take her seat. I got the Panama coffee today and it was good. I waited patiently for so long that I got a free drink because the barista forgot my drink after the long line of people. I thought about getting another coffee but I didn’t want to be up all night again. I worked, or tried to, on this paper that is going to be the death of me. I am trying to write this comparison paper and one of the assessments that I am comparing is confusing the hell out of me. I might nix it because it is so complicated. I seriously doubt that this tool will ever be used clinically because of its complication and averages and factors! See, even you are confused as I am writing this…
After racking my brain for an hour, I decided to get some cheeseburgers at McDonalds. And to search for Twinkies. My search didn’t yield any. I hope that I can buy them at Stop and Shop before they sell out. I can’t believe a snack that has been around for more than fifty years is out of business. I still think it’s all because of bad management of funds rather than production. But then, what do I know about the economy? Ziltch!

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for the past hour because Voldemort made a reference to her and Snape. He posted a pic of her in the “Story of Us” and it was pretty funny. He called the post Haylor. I am still cracking up over it. I know he has been the center of my delusions but he is slowly fading, even with the text tweeting. I just find some of it hilarious. Course the text about robbing Twihards houses was a little hard for me but some will find it funny. I seriously thought of just robbing my sister’s house because she was going to the movies. Her cookies would be mine for me to take, hehehe and Halloween candy! LOL I think the vicoden is making me feel goofy right now. I’m still in mega pain but as I tell everyone, if my sense of humor goes, commit me because something serious is wrong with me.

OSU is tied right now. I couldn’t sit watching the game because my ankle pain flared up. I am glad because I would have been swearing at the TV. I have planted seeds to my sisters that I want an OSU and NE hoodies for Christmas. I hope I get them, but if not I will just have to get them myself! I had my cousin get me a Georgetown hoodie. Love it so much. I am a big college football fan. My interest stems from having to watch it every Sat for two and a half months while I was inpatient for depression. That was eighteen years ago. I did not want to make it to see my nineteenth birthday and was determined not to But my plans were foiled after I overdosed. That landed me in the hospital from the beginning of November to the middle of January. I never have spent the holidays in the hospital before. Not a pleasant experience, especially being on a psychiatric unit. But once my birthday had passed, things got easier. I wanted to live and go to college. I applied and got into a medical assisting program. Course today I wish I had decided to go to a university rather than a two year school, but live and learn I guess. I am still only 9 courses short of my bachelor’s degree.

Music is soothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

For the past week I have been delusional and psychotic for some reason. I have not really been stressed over anything in particular but lately I have been becoming paranoid on crowded buses. It has been difficult but I have found that I become calm and more focused if I am listening to music. Doesn’t really matter the artist, just as long as its music I am distracted from feeling paranoid and psychotic. Music tends to drown out the voices in my head. So I have been listening to music more. Also been buying more music from my favorite artists. Terri Clark just came out with a classics album of country music and it is pretty excellent. I am going to burn it to a CD so I can listen to it on my new boom box, that is Spanish. Thing was created in Mexico and actually came with Spanish instructions…no Englese anywhere.

Met with my psychiatrist today and discussed my condition. As usual she had no answers for me, just keep doing what I have been doing and see you in two weeks. I am a difficult case, what you would call a non-responder. I have yet to respond to an anti-depressant that works more than a year. So far the only thing that has prevented me from ending up back in the hospital is a little Cymbalta. Otherwise I think my mood would take a nosedive and I would not recover. Course if thing were the way they were 20 yrs ago, I might still be inpatient from my June admission.

Got to work on my paper today a little bit, though I found out my citation program is VERY old, like 6 versions old…I have to get an updated version that is going to be pricey because I am no longer a student and I can’t wait till summer when I am to write this paper. I figure if I work on it a little at a time I will be able to finish it by Christmas, provided my mood doesn’t suck more than it already does and I can actually walk to Starbucks to get the reading for it done. The other day my bag tripped me and so I think I sprained my good ankle. But it’s not hurting me as much as my damaged one so who knows. I just know that my right ankle is swollen and hurts if I stand on it. It sometimes gets stiff when I wake up but after rolling it around a little it usually takes the pain and stiffness away. I hate being in pain all the time with both ankles now but there is nothing I can do except take meds for pain. CES sucks!