Category: mental illness

Baseball Season is officially over

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Tonight the San Francisco Giants swept the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. My Baseball Depressive Disorder has peaked. Now I have no baseball games until Spring training in March, a mere five month wait for something I love more than anything.

I went out with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen since May. He finally sold his house in Boston and is now temporarily living in Marlborough until things are settled for his condo in Revere. I hope that he likes Revere and he is by the Blue Line as he works in Boston. Traveling can be hard between these two cities by car. He wants me to help him with his Facebook page and I have agreed. It is freelance work, though I have told him I know nothing about eye conditions but he is willing to teach me. He is an eye doctor, and in my opinion one of the best in the Boston area. I have been seeing him since I graduated high school. This volunteer work will help me keep busy. I love learning new things and I am sure it will help him and his work.

I still am feeling kind of weird since I am living and I have not attempted suicide. I feel like it is a loss that I am never going to recover from. I know this must sound weird but it’s true. I have been trying to attempt to kill myself since 2005 and have not made one single attempt despite all my planning. I have come close a couple of times but I have never really gone past my planning stage. What changed? The fact that more people need to be aware that there are people like me who think about suicide all the time yet do not tell a single soul about how dark their thoughts are. I have my therapist to talk to about this and she is the ONLY person that knows how I really feel. I don’t confide in anyone else. I would talk to my psychiatrist but I have been avoiding her. Mostly because I just feel like a burden to her. That is the hardest part of this illness is knowing you are a burden to others even though you may not really be in reality.

I still have yet to go back to my comparison paper. I really am just procrastinating on it. I want to be able to work on it while I am sitting at a Starbucks. And because my depression is so bad I hardly leave the house, I just have not been in the mood to bring my laptop around the city to go to Starbucks and sit for a few hours. I have been becoming more reclusive and I hate leaving the house for any reason. I just like staying in my room all the time goofing off on my laptop while Facebooking or blogging. I haven’t had that many emails to respond to. My online CES support group has been quiet lately. Like everything else, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes there is a lot of chatter and other times there is very little. It all depends on what is going on and if people have things to add or suggest. This group has been a life saver for me because without it, I would feel totally alone with my nerve condition.

Rambling 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent the day catching up on my TiVo. I was running out of room and want to make sure I can record the CMA’s next week.
So today was supposed to be the day I ended my life. Like I suspected, it was just another day in the life of Midnight demons haunting me but without the impulse to take my life. Watching my favorite shows kind of helped. I really have not been watching much tv except for baseball or football games. Also been listening to the new music by Casey James and Jason Aldean. I don’t know why but my music has veered toward male vocalists. I guess it’s mostly because there hasn’t been any new female artist that I like lately. Don’t really think too much of Taylor’s new CD, Red. Songs aren’t resonating with me and when songs don’t resonate with me I tend not to enjoy listening to music too much. Plus her music on this CD is very different than her previous albums.
I haven’t texted my therapist the past few days. There is nothing really that I want to convey to her. I know I should just to check in but I just don’t feel like bothering.
I got a new software program to help my typing. I figure while I am on the computer anyways I might put it to good use. Maybe it will help decrease the time I spend hitting the backspace button .
It’s after 9pm EST and my pain levels have just peaked. My ankle feels like it is going to break. I feel so bloated I think I am the meatball I just ate, and I just feel like I am a worthless POS. My therapist has accused me of not taking my meds because my mood has been so awful. She still tries to get me to see my psychiatrist but she hasn’t responded to any of my emails so I can’t say that I haven’t tried. I have been taking my meds even though they probably aren’t doing much to really help me. I have decreased my pain meds even though I probably shouldn’t. I just don’t see the point of taking it unless the pain is unbearable. Like it is right now. It is not at the suicidal point but I am uncomfortable and in agony. I just test my limits of my pain threshold. The hard part is that the threshold varies. Right now my pain is an 8 on a scale of 1-10. And the nerve pain (burning has begun and it feels like my foot is sooo hot but is cool to the touch. But it could be a 6 tomorrow and I will be ok with dealing my pain. I sometimes don’t even notice the pain, that is how used to it I am. It usually registers above a 6. There is no reason for it, but today I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I had groceries delivered so I had to. Then I had to stay on my feet and put them away. I knew I would pay for it.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go out with a friend for brunch. I haven’t seen him since I was first out on disability in April. I know it will be good to go out with him. I am kind of looking forward to it but I have been so depressed I sometimes don’t want to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom. It takes a lot of “spoons” to get ready. I have no idea what I am going to wear and it always causes me anxiety whenever I have to go out. I just can’t make a simple decision on what to wear. It kills me to just look at my clothes and just stand there and be indecisive. I hate it. I need to shower and take care of my personal hygiene that I have not been so great at doing the past few days. I figure if I am not going to go out, why bother.
I have been trying for the past week to change my bedding. I even got new sheets to try and today it took all the energy I had just to take my “office” off my bed so I could get to my sheets. By my office I mean literally my laptop, notebook, journal, research articles, notepads, mail, and whatever clothes that I just happened to put on the side of the bed I don’t sleep on. I keep these things handy because I never know when the urge to write is going to hit me and I am particular when I have some paper I want to write on when it hits. I have yellow legal pads and white composition notebooks. Sometimes the color matters sometimes it doesn’t. I just need it handy because if I have a running train of thoughts I want a pad of paper and pen handy. I keep a box of pens on my nightstand because I like pens. I must have over $1000 USD worth of pens. I have pens of every color, style, ink quality, you name it. Lately my pen of choice is Uniball Jetstream. I love this pen. It is so smooth when you write with it. It doesn’t smear and supposedly it prevents check fraud. I rarely write out checks anymore but I do write a lot with these pens. My other favorite pen that I like is the Pilot V ball. Those pens do smear but I like the scratching noise it makes on paper. But I rarely use this pen since finding the Jetstream. I have been so crazy with this pen I have at least 2 dozen pens and even bought refills for my pens. And I keep buying more. If I leave the house without a pen, I will buy it. Even if I don’t write with it, I have to have a pen. So far the only store that sells my pen is CVS. Walgreens stopped stocking it .
Thank you for reading this ramble.

my mentor

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This blog is about my mentor, David Jobes. He is a suicidologist at the Catholic University of America. I have been following his work since 2006 when I first learn of him through my research on a paper I was writing for psych assessments. I found that his suicide status form (SSF) was an awesome tool that is not widely used but should be. He has done research in the field for over 15 years. I have taken his workshop when he came to Boston in 2008 and I met his graduate students. He is a phenomenal person that really cares about suicidal people and the prevention of suicide. His book, Managing Suicidal Risk is groundbreaking work and I truly believe every clinician should read this book or at least have a copy of it.
If I ever get my independent study underway, I would have a raffle on this book and his other one, Building a Therapeutic Alliance to a clinician that responded to my research questions. I would be asking clinicians about their suicide training and if they would be interested in being more educated in this area. Not only about what empirical data is out there but also about the assessments. Most clinicians rely on their interviewing skills alone on detecting suicidal ideation but very few would actually treat it or use an assessment to help decrease the thinking. That is the beauty of the Suicide Status Form. It assesses, manages, creates a treatment plan, and provides documentation all in one.

Coffee Commentary

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders

I started writing again which is good for me. I have been compiling a paper that will incorporate psychological pain assessments (paper to be published soon!) and compare them with one another. It started off as a paper for a friend that needed to do research and has blossomed into something more now that she no longer needs my help.
I am excited about writing a paper again. I will try and not make it a novel but there are no promises. Sometimes I can get really wordy as most academicians do. I miss being in school and think that I will be able to get back to school maybe by next fall, as long as I don’t have another psychotic break between now and then. I can’t handle being psychotic and delusional thinking on top of my depression. I know lately I have been more psychotic than usual because songs have been playing in my head. I also know many people hear songs in their head but have you ever had the music stop playing and wonder why your headphones stopped working?? The music sounds like there are headphones in my ears but there isn’t! It is especially prominent when a song is stuck in my head. It plays for the entire day over and over and over like a broken radio. The only way to drown it out is to tune in to the radio or actually play my headphones. I guess you can say that the radio is talking to me even if it isn’t. Another symptom of being insane!
I have tried to get out of the house the past few days but I have been unsuccessful. Today was the first time in three days that I left the house. I have been becoming a hermit lately. I just don’t find the motivation to get my one cup of coffee. My mood has been so bleak that I just can’t be bothered to leave the house for an hour for the simple pleasure of coffee/espresso. But today I wanted a macchiato and because my drink is now a few years old, they gave me a black and white mocha instead of a macchiato. Two different tastes as the espresso is poured on the top with a macchiato and with a mocha, the espresso is on the bottom mixed with the syrup. It was still good just not what I expected. Tomorrow when I go out I will probably get an iced Hawaii Ka’u. This coffee is excellent. It takes some getting used to because it does have a weird aftertaste to it but other than that it is a very well bodied coffee with earthy tones to it.
My other favorite iced coffee is the Blue Java from Indonesia. It is by far my favorite and tomorrow I will be picking up an expensive 8 oz. I have to make this coffee at home as my Galapagos is dwindling. I still have my tribute that I have frozen and it will remain frozen as it is such an awesome coffee and they don’t make it anymore, like my Galapagos. These coffees are the Starbucks Reserve that are made specifically for the clover. I have been thinking about getting their new machine, Verissimo but then I really will not leave my house for coffee, or for anything other than doctor’s appointments or when I have to deal with my father.