Category: mood disorders

The I should have stayed in bed day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The I should have stayed in bed day

I woke up at 6 with my entire body feeling like spaghetti. I knew if I just laid there it would get worse so I sat up to take an Ativan before it could. When I sat up, my damn foot exploded. It was three hours before I had to take my morning pain med so I took a breakthrough med. I should have known today was going to be shitty and just stayed in bed but I wanted to descale my sister’s Keurig. I followed the instructions and that would be it? Right?

Three hours later, I woke up. Took my meds. I was in pain but it wasn’t as bad as three hours ago. I grabbed what I needed and headed to down to my sister’s. My niece wasn’t up yet. Teenager so it was early for her. I had my coffee and when I was finished, I started the descaling. I made sure I had things right and followed everything. I did 3 rinses and was going to do a fourth. I shut the machine off while I filled the reservoir for the final rinse, and when I put it on the machine, I turned it on. Nothing happened. I turned it on and off again. Then on and waited like 15 minutes. I think I burned out the heating mechanism as it was dead silent. I had no clue what I did wrong. I felt super bad about this. I will buy my sister a new machine Monday when I get paid. I hate that they have no coffee for the weekend. Maybe I will get them a Dunkin card to compensate for them having to buy coffee. I feel really horrible this happened. I texted my sister when she got out of work. I got no response other than omg after I said I was so sorry.

I checked on the machine a couple of hours to see if cooling down would make it work again and it didn’t. My niece didn’t eat anything but cereal. She refused anything else. I wasn’t going to fight with her.

I went to nap and my foot became an ice pack and it felt like I had a penetrating ice cube on one spot of my foot. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t work. On went the socks and heating pad. Now my damn foot is hotter than hot. I got up to take my night meds and holy fuck. It felt like I was compressing all the bones in my ankle joint and the ligaments/tendons went with them because they didn’t know what else to do. Every time I stand up I have this pain. It is so excruciating. The heel pain has sort of gotten better. I got these gel pads and they have really helped. I am going to try it in the “real world” aka outside in my sneaker. I am not going to go to therapy on Monday. I have been feeling so off. Yesterday I felt like death. I barely ate and my sister had these candles that kept making me sneeze and made my nose run. I had to take 2 benadryl last night to stop my nose from running away. I was so miserable.

I ate good today. I haven’t had the custard pie yet. I had the chocolate pie for breakfast. I always do after thanksgiving. I hate calling it that because white people were so mean to the Natives and continue to be so why celebrate their generosity when we took all their land away or killed them for it or just killed them because they retaliated or infected them with smallpox and other European diseases. It was no better than what the Nazis did to the Jewish population in the 1930s and 1940s. Yet Americans had to save them then shun them. Got humans are so rotten to one another. Not all humans but those with the white supremacy attitudes. Makes me sick to my stomach. And the fucking NRA quotes the Constitution to say something after an ED doc got killed while the “This is our lane” banter was going on. I felt like saying to them, so you are perfectly fine with a 2 year old finding a handgun under a pillow and killing themselves all because the second amendment gives the kid the right to bear arms??? Seriously??? The gun should have had a gun lock on it or the safety on at least. I honest have never owned a gun or even looked at one other than the rifle my father used to own but he was fucking crazy and wanted to kill my cousin or shoot people that pissed him off so he should NOT have had a gun! But I really think gun owners that want to work with legislation on how to control mass shootings would be a HUGE help. I honestly don’t think the Constitution wanted bump stocks and magazines and military grade weapons for civilians. But if you are against what I am talking about, go find another fucking blog to read because you are part of the problem. Do you cheer every time there is a mass shooting? Seriously, go fuck yourself with your gun. I am tired of school kids fearing for their lives, having drills and then worrying about exams. Kind of pointless if they are dead. I have a 13 year old niece and it scares me and must terrify my sister. I hope it doesn’t happen but I know the rhetoric “it won’t happen here” doesn’t work. 4 teenagers died in the town over from me from laced weed! So I know it can happen anywhere. OK I am off my soapbox for today. Hope you all be safe and say I love you a little more often.

Therapy, fatigue, and still feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mental illness, mood disorders

I managed a shower today. It kind wore me out but I was determined to see my therapist. The bus didn’t give a shit what I had planned as it was like a fucking half hour late. Starbucks didn’t have eggnog so I just had a mocha. I forgot extra shots. Doubt they would have done any good anyway. By the time I reached my therapist’s office, I was wiped out.

We started talked and I profusely apologized for missing Monday. I told him I felt like shit and I must have looked it because he asked if I wanted to go home. I said ok. I thanked him. I said I hope to see him Monday and have a good Thanksgiving.

I took an Uber home. I am glad I did because I was ready to pass out. I told my mother I would be going to bed and she asked if it was because of pain. I said no, I am tired because my blood counts are off. She was confused. I tried to explain it to her last week but she didn’t want to hear it. Now I was explaining it again. I need a salty diet and high protein and low fluids. I still don’t think she understood but not my problem. I went upstairs to change and hunker down. I am hungry but no idea what to eat. I finished off the last of the cold cuts. I want to order out but my funds are low. I get paid Monday though.

I wish I could say I am feeling better but I am feeling the same. Yesterday I slept all day and hope my activities today don’t wear me out so much. I had a rough night as I slept in pretty much the same position all night so was stiff and this or that hurt or was asleep. It is going to be the coldest Thanksgiving on record, with some parts reaching below zero. Much too early for this time of year. But the weather is whacky everywhere.

If you are in the US, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful you read my blog. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

Sadness over madness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

There was yet another shooting in the US. A hospital in Chicago lost an ER doc because of her fiance. We don’t know details because he is dead. An officer and a pharmacy tech were also killed. I am so sad over this. Docs are mad continues to happen while those in government do nothing. is becoming an every day thing. Innocent people are losing their lives because someone decides to take a life with a gun. I honestly think the more this is broadcasted the worst it will be. People must be thinking it is “ok” to do this, everyone is. Makes me so mad and sad.

I had to cancel my therapy appt last minute because I was stuck at the hospital trying to give a urine sample. My bladder was retaining so damn fucking bad. I felt I had to go. I knew I had to go. I had drank more than 1000 mLs of fluid. I was full or close to it but no, I wasn’t overflowing so nothing was coming out. I tried everything. It was so noisy in the lab. Soon as I went to a quieter bathroom, I finally was able to pee. I then had to walk back to the lab to drop off the sample. There was no way I would be on time. I would have like 15 minutes with him and that would be it. I hate having to cancel. Stupid bladder.

When I walked back to the station to go home, my heel was killing me. I don’t think it is plantar fasciitis. I am starting to think the steps I take are to harsh on my heel. It is so inflamed right now. I bought some gel inserts to try. I don’t know what else to do. My feet are freezing so I am not about to put ice on. I probably should. But with the whole CRPS thing, I fear I am causing damage than helping it.

My blood tests came back. My sodium is still low but higher than it was. My pcp sent me a letter but didn’t tell me if I need to keep doing the restrictions or not. Ugh. Idiot. So I emailed him back. Hope to get an answer tomorrow. I see him next week so will probably recheck my values again.

I was so damn exhausted. I ate a sandwich and then I passed out. I have no idea how long. I woke up with a bladder yelling at me. It was ready to explode. I was so disoriented. It was around 6 I woke up so I don’t think I slept too long. I was not rested. I just wanted to take my meds and go to sleep. But i was so cold. It was freezing in my room. It is a little warmer now. It is raining again. We are supposed to have a snow rain mix tomorrow. That is going to be fun as i got to go see the pain program social worker. I am going to be blunt like i usually am. I only had one session and canceled 2. I really don’t care anymore. I am not feeling well. I emailed the PT and OT about why I couldn’t make it. I am not doing the stretches at all anymore because it flares up my foot. I had a million and one pains last night. It was awful. I hadn’t hurt that bad in a while. Then when I was just about to doze off, my body jerk, causing my left rib cage to hurt. It was such a bad night. I have no idea how I got up this morning at 9 to be out of the house by 1030. I didn’t shower as I knew that would tire me out. I wish I went to therapy. The whole thing makes me want to quit. Like why bother seeking help when I have so much wrong with me.

My thoughts are with those employees of that hospital in Chicago. What a terrible thing to happen. It happened at my workplace. A secretary shot a cardiologist one morning. I was glad I was off that day. Total mayhem with police and news crews. The news were camped out for like a week. So stupid. Hope they all can talk about it so it doesn’t cause PTSD for them. That is my theory anyway. But sometimes it doesn’t work and does more harm than good.

Hope my pain eases and I sleep. Night all.

A day of reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A day of reading

I wanted to finish Camino Island by John Grisham today and I did it. I had problems with my Kindle since last week as they did an update and they messed up my SD card, well, not really. The update made it so the Kindle didn’t recognize the SD card so my books were just not there. They fix it but when I tried to open the book yesterday for distraction due to pain, it said that I had to remove it and then download it again. I had no idea how to do that but it brought me to the store page. I already bought the damn book so I didn’t want to buy it again. I was so frustrated, I read a non-technological book. I read Trail of Tears for about three chapters. So today I was determined to read and finish Camino Island so I didn’t have to deal with the Kindle anymore! Least for a while.

I finished it and because I couldn’t put it down, I took my night meds late. It just kept me interested. John Grisham will do that. He hypes up the book in the last few chapters. I can’t wait to read is new book, the Reckoning. He says it is different than his other books. Well, hell, Camino Island was different too! No lawyers and their real cases that involve espionage and crap like the Firm. I really loved this book. But I have four other books I have started reading and would like to finish them by the end of the year. November is half way gone and I have finished just one book. I lowered my challenge to 22 books to read this year as last year I read 20 I think. I just tried to find my challenge from last year but couldn’t. It did say I read 14 books last year so I am tied. I want to read a few more. I don’t know if I will be able to read 22 but I will try. I didn’t think I was going to be alive so I held off on reading. I really wanted to give up. But my psychiatrist didn’t allow that to happen and got my pain meds changed so that I wouldn’t give up. I am not at a dose I like but my pain is better than it was. I wish it was lower than it is right now but fuck. Until the fucking stupid CDC guidelines are removed, no pain patient can be treated humanely. I get my pain meds increased, I am above the 90 milligrams morphine equivalent and that means paperwork for the doc, who doesn’t want to do that bullshit. In a way I don’t blame him but come on, fight back. It is the only way to help patients and prevent suicide. But that is just my opinion.

I did not stay on the regimen of fluid restriction today. I had two cups of coffee and I am still kind of going. I got a shit load of energy and my mind is like going in a million directions. I feel so much better than I have in the last three fricken weeks. Maybe my salt level is back up. But that will mean my Trileptal will be decreased so this doesn’t happen again. My psychiatrist who I emailed at like 2 am with my worries (thank you painsomnia for keeping me up till 330 am!) said that she and my pcp will discuss what to do. But I think I will be lowering my mood stabilizer that I have been on for 10+ years. I hope my mood doesn’t go like a roller coaster because that just sucks. I was in and out of hospitals every 6 months. I had to. My depression was awful and my hypomania crashed me so hard. I literally wanted to die so damn bad, like worst than any pain episode I ever had. I made attempts, nothing harmful but was I remember overdosing to get rid of the pain, the psychache was unbearable. If I have to deal with that AND the physical pain, I think it will kill me. I don’t think I can bear it. Psychache is awful. The worst pain imaginable. Not even morphine can touch it. Hell, if the pain meds I was taking at the time didn’t help lower it, I doubt what I am taking now will. It is on another level. I don’t ever want to feel that shit again. Just thinking about it makes me want to die so fucking bad. There is no other med for me to try for a mood stabilizer. I tried them all. Only this one worked for me. I HATE that it is messing me up physiologically that my meds have to be played with and I will probably have to have regular blood work to monitor my sodium levels. I hate getting stuck but it is what it is, I guess.

Only thing that sucks about today is that I didn’t eat any protein, just carbs. I couldn’t help it. I was in a fuck it mood and didn’t care how much I drank or what I ate. I have some burgers in the fridge I could eat. But I would have to go downstairs and today has not been a good stair day. Better than yesterday in that my legs don’t feel weak but the up and down movement hurts my foot/ankle. And the top of my foot right now is so damn sensitive that I know the slipper is going to be painful. I kind of just want to sleep but sort of know I won’t be able to unless I eat something. I ate carbs but it was small amounts. A table talk pie, then an hour later 5 cookies. Then I tried some soup that was disgusting and only had some bread with it. Had to throw the soup away. Then a small serving of pasta with one small meatball. That has been it. My food diary for today. I drank least a half a bottle of soda and a cup of tea. Probably 40 oz of fluid, 7 oz (210 mL) more than I should have. I didn’t pee buckets today.

I cannot remember if I took 600 mg of gaba when I got settled in bed. I hate when I can’t remember if I took meds or not. I really need to have like a PRN week med box or something. My throat has been sore off and on. I hope it is because of voice changes. Throat drops have been helping it. Also have been helping the nasal congestion, which could also be causing the throat irritation. My sister said she didn’t notice any change in my voice when we talked this morning, the first time in a while. She has just been so busy with stuff. I really missed our talks. I hardly talk to my middle sister and when I do it is always with her complaining about her job or her kids. That hurts me when she talks about her kids because I know they can be a pain in the ass and I know they are adults now but sorry, you raised them because you never cared for them. You expected things from them that they didn’t learn from you or anyone else and they should have.

The one thing that I really liked about Camino Island is that the author gave some tips about writing. I will try and use them if I ever go back to writing that story I want to write. Maybe when the pain is better and this fatigue is gone and my concentration is better. I have the time. I just need to go to Starbucks and try and write. Sounds easy but it is hard. I also think I need to face the wall of the store rather than the windows because it is so damn easy to people watch and as well as see the cars go by. I get distracted by watching the cars parallel park. It is funny how many times a person will go back and forth, pull out, back in and still not get it right. I see this every time and it is my distraction from writing! I write my blog in my room but it is when I can have the brain power after a long day and can form sentences without sounding like a 2 year old.

I wish I could have more days like I did today, with energy and brain concentration to finish a book because I had the time. I usually have the time but not the energy and brain concentration because of pain and a bad night of sleeping. I had 5.5 hours with 1200 mg of Neurontin. I have no idea how this day came about. I am grateful for it as it is rare. I probably should have made my cranberry cake but I think I will Tuesday. It will be in memory of my therapist friend that gave me the recipe and who died in Sept.