Category: mood disorders

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.

surviving depression 23 June 2006

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

June 23, 2006

I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me. The only thing that is keeping me alive these days is my word to my therapist that I won’t go through with my thoughts. The pain of living is just too much to bare right now. My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I keep telling her that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, “Only one option left, to suffer”. She is my inspiration as she has bipolar disorder, tried to die by suicide, and is one of the leading researchers/teachers of the disorder. I know it doesn’t make sense to suffer all the time but millions of people out there do it everyday. We few that are in this group do it every day, though it is most difficult and we come from different backgrounds and sections of the world. I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize when we feel this way, it is NOT our true selves, it is the disorder that is talking. I know we all feel like scum of the earth for no reason other than for being allowed to breathe, to be something called alive that we wish we didn’t have to be. One reason why I have read so much about depression and there are a lot of good books out there, is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, then you can know what to do, sometimes when it isn’t hitting you on the head with a 60 lb hammer. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we are no longer feel apart of the human race because our b&b are not functioning and we have physical pain that is driving us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. One of the books that I had read said that suicide is complete in 10 minutes and if you wait out those ten mins, you will survive. The same thing goes for depression. Though instead of 10 mins, it’s more like 10 days or more. But it doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts, and we return to “normal” functioning until the next episode. The HARDEST part of this fucking disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worse of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it is for the first time, that we are NEVER going to feel better, ever. I am telling you that you are. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, tomorrow might be a better day and if it is not, least you survived today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be here for you. Count on it.

About the mood stabilizers, I suffer from bipolar depression, which is a little different than major depression. I sometimes have periods where I am really hyper, don’t sleep, eat, think I am on top of the world, talk excessively, and can’t stand still. These periods don’t last too long, maybe a week or two, then I either have a period of being normal and/or crash big time. I take Trileptal for it and it has helped some with the Cymbalta. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is used a “mood stabilizer”. There are other drugs that are used, but you should be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation. Most GP’s don’t have a clue about psychotropic meds and it isn’t a good idea for them to play around with it if you don’t have the diagnosis.

another warm February day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another warm February day

It is 72 degrees F right now. I went on my back porch and there were bugs flying. I need to fix my screen for my window. I had broken it in November when I took out my AC. It was either break it or have the AC fall. I just hope the screen place can fix it and I don’t have to go to Home Depot for the frame. It is mostly intact except for the corners. The screen itself is okay.

I woke up at 5 again in pain. I was sweating because it was hot in my room. I wanted to shower but it was too early. I would probably wake up my sister and brother in law as their bedroom is below my bathroom. I stayed up for a bit and then got hungry so made a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep even though my foot was angry.

I woke up around noon. My friend in Canada had messaged me so we were talking for a bit. I wanted to make pancakes but my foot and ankle were being assholes. I didn’t want to flare it up more. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to move, much less leave my room. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I decided to shower and then make some buffalo wings. I think my mother is making a chicken stir fry as I saw some chicken chunks in the fridge. She is probably going to make rice for an army. I don’t understand why she makes so much when no one eats it. It ends up getting moldy and then tossed. Drives me crazy.

I haven’t read Harry today, not yet anyway. Voldemort just got the Elder Wand. I decided to stop there, for now. After I read Harry, I plan on reading 1984. There has been a lot of talk about the book since the Orange Buffoon has been in office. I think I read it when I was in high school or soon after I graduated, though I really don’t remember what it was about. I keep thinking of Brave New World and I know that isn’t the same thing.

warm day in February

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Warm day in February

A very unusual day today as temps reached 70 degrees. I don’t ever remember the temps being that high this time of year for Boston. Despite the nice weather, my pain didn’t decrease. Standing was difficult all day and the bones in my ankle joint hurt really bad. I woke up in pain and just stayed in bed though my phone kept on ringing after 10 am. I was getting annoyed. My mother wanted me to turn down the heat and I said yeah, if I went downstairs, which wasn’t happening soon. She came home a little while later with my loud mouth cousin in tow. Fuck. I was hungry so I went downstairs as I had to use the bathroom. As I was making something, my cousin said I was always eating. Fuck, really? It was noon time so excuse me for wanting some food. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. It made me so mad. I had to suffer with him and my mother call me she/her and my birth name. I kept my mouth shut because he is a judgmental fuck and doesn’t like anything to do with LGBT. I just ate and wanted to make coffee but couldn’t stand being around him. I went back to my room and of course he had something to say to that, too. I waited for him to leave before going back down to make coffee. I made it a little strong but it was good.

I read Harry Potter for most of the day. The pain in my ankle did not drown out at all. I took some ibuprofen as it was bone pain and I just ate so I could take the max dose. When I was done with reading an hour or two later, I was still in the same level of pain. I was tempted to call my PCP as the pain is getting worse than my “normal” pain. I haven’t done anything that I recall. Only thing that stopped me was that I knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like he was going to change my meds or anything. I am so tired of living with this pain and just going on this existence. Like what the fuck is the point?

I’m going back to the Wizard World. I really want to finish this book this week.