Category: mood disorders

another month of existing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Another month of existing

Despite being suicidal for almost 16 days straight, I lived to tell the tale. I honestly don’t know what gets me through the hardest of moments when I am in so much pain and all I can think about is death. I think fantasizing my death has gotten me through, only because I was so immobilized by pain, I couldn’t act on my thoughts. Then the next day, the pain was down and I didn’t feel so terrible. I didn’t feel like ending my life.

Sometime in the beginning of September or the end of August, I thought that if I had 41 consecutive days of suicidal thoughts, that on day 42 I would end my life. If by some chance, I had a day that I didn’t think those thoughts, I would have to start all over. I kept a spreadsheet of the days. Some nights when I was in pure agony, I would bargain with myself saying just x many days more and then I would end it. I kept these thoughts pretty much to myself. I had texted my therapist this plan but we never talked about it. I don’t remember if I let my psych know either.

I don’t know what really changed that stopped the suicidal feelings from occurring. I still had pain every day and night. But after my PT evaluation, I felt like things could be better. I was sad that the days of me working were truly over because too much time had past for me to recover. I was diagnosed too late with CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Now I just want to be able to make pancakes without having to take breaks in between the prep, the mixing, and the cooking. Small stuff but it would be a goal. I left the PT office feeling a little hopeful that things might change for the better. It didn’t take away my suicidal feelings completely. I still thought about ending my life, but there was no urgency to it. I just put it in the back of my head.

Suicidal thoughts have become so much apart of my life that I can’t imagine my life without it. Will I my life end one day at my own hands? I don’t know. I think so and have felt that way for quite some time. Little things stop me. My nieces or nephew’s love and care. A friend online that needs me. Having a low pain day so I could get out of the house to have my espresso at Starbucks. Being able to shower, make breakfast, and then go out to do what I have to do. It doesn’t happen every day as some days I can barely get out of bed, either because of pain or my mood. Sometimes both. Sometimes a good word from my therapist or psychiatrist is enough to lift the heavy coat to make it through the day. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through September without making a suicide attempt. But I did.

Tomorrow starts a new month, with the same challenges. Hell, I have appts all this week with no rest days at all. It’s going to be hard. I hope it doesn’t set me off in a flare for days on end. The weather is also going to be cooler. If it remains stable, I should be okay. If it fluctuates more than 10 or more degrees, I am going to hurt more than any activity that I do. I have a lot of appts this month. I don’t know how that is going to make me feel, physically and mentally. Dealing with chronic pain every day is difficult to say the least. I have mixed feelings about this month. I hope that I survive and I hope that I die. We’ll see if I make it to Oct 31st.

RED SOX ARE BACK TO BACK AL EAST CHAMPS!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

RED SOX ARE BACK TO BACK AL EAST CHAMPS!!!

My Sox won the game today and won the American League East title for the 2nd year in a row!! I am so happy for them. It’s been a tough season and there is some work to do. Unfortunately, they will be facing the same team they are facing this weekend for the first rounds of playoff games. Those games start Thursday. There is still one more game left in the regular season. I’ll listen to it because I love my boys.

I woke up around 5 in pain again for the 4th day in a row. I went back to sleep. When I woke up around 1400, I took a shower and then went to Walgreens to pick up my meds. It was really cold, around 55 degrees. The rain had stopped but began again when I came back home. I’m glad I timed it right.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to make. I decided on making White Castle cheeseburgers. My mother was napping and I was watching the game in the kitchen. I asked her what she wanted and after she thought about it, she said some scrambled eggs. Her knee was acting up again, probably because of the weather. I made her the eggs and some toast. By the time I was done, the game was won. But stupid Fox didn’t show the celebration. They went to some football game. I went up to my room to see Twitter highlights. I had the ceiling fan on. I shut it off as I was cold and put on a long sleeved Tee shirt.

I wanted something warm so went back downstairs to make a cup of tea. My mother wanted a cup of coffee so I made her one as well. My ankle is hurting now. I put in a request for my pain meds to my PCP’s office as I will run out by Tuesday. I don’t know when I will be able to get them and have it filled. It probably won’t be until Thursday. I don’t know what I am going to do. I hate being off track with refilling my meds. This 28 day shit sucks and having to go to my PCP’s office because the medical assistant is too dumb to mail it really sucks.

About a month ago, I bought these straps for the bed sheets to keep them attached to the mattress. One side of my bed always seems to come undone, and these straps are not helping. The other side is secure, though I could adjust the foam topper a little bit. I need to change the sheets soon anyway. I hate changing sheets. It is the one chore I detest. I wish I could hire someone to help me do it and also to help vacuum my rug but I don’t have the extra funds to do so. Money is going to be tight the next few months because I am going to try and save to get a new laptop. I’m going to get a new screen first to see if that solves the issue. If it does, I will just upgrade my Office to Office 2016. I found one site on Amazon that was selling it for $90. I just got to find out how many pins my screen has to make sure I buy the right replacement. I might call Dell as their website isn’t too helpful.

painful day and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful day and other things

I had a hard time sleeping. I think I went to sleep around 3, only to wake up around 7. I was in pain so I took some meds. I went back to sleep and then woke up around 1300 in pain, again. I had wanted to make an egg and bacon burrito but I was hurting too much. I decided to try UberEats to deliver McDonalds. It was good, though for some reason, the driver had my wrong address. I had to text him the correct one. I’m glad I got my Big Mac and McNugget fix. I haven’t had McDonalds in a long time.

I am so glad that I budgeted my money good this month and that I have enough to change my name. I have a little more in my account should it comes out to more than $185. I want to get my haircut but I’m not sure when that will happen. I have a busy week coming up. I might get it done next Thursday if I am not in too much pain. I’m still waiting for a credit from PeaPod on the order I cancelled. I don’t understand why it takes minutes to deduct from your account but days to credit. So stupid.

I’m really tired because I didn’t get any sleep. I also took a big dose of Neurontin that always leaves me hungover the next day. I’ve been having to keep an eye on the Skankees because if they lose, the Sox win the AL East title. But the bastards beat the Jays so we still have one more game to play to win. I really hope we don’t have to play the Skanks to claim the title. There are only 3 games left in the regular season. We still will be in the playoff games.

in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a flare

I woke up around 7 in pain. Took some pain meds and Neurontin as I wanted to sleep. I set my alarm as I had my grocery delivery coming at 1500. About an hour later, I went back to sleep. I woke up just before my alarm went off. I was still in pain but it was manageable. I needed coffee to get the cobwebs out of my brain. I decided to make my Hawaiian Ka’u. It came out stronger than I thought. For some reason, even though I measure the water in my mug, water just evaporates and I am left with less water. I have been using Poland Spring water to make my coffee because our tea kettle has rust on the bottom of it. My mother doesn’t want to part with it.

I was hungry so I made cereal, drank my coffee, had some chips, and then made half a salami and cheese sandwich. My foot was hurting but it was tolerable. My mother wanted potatoes and hot dogs for supper so I prepared the potatoes. I had fun chopping them up with the cleaver knife. By the time I was done, my mother was ready to cook them. She wanted me to slice up the hot dogs so I did that. While I was peeling the potatoes my groceries came. I didn’t order much so there wasn’t too much to put away. I bought some small figlets. They are figs and were really good.

I went to my room while my mother was cooking to give my ankle a rest. It was becoming intolerable. I took a strong pain pill to try to control the pain. Then I had dinner and had to go downstairs so my niece could eat the meal. I was really hurting by the time I went back upstairs. I read Twitter and found that today is the 13th birthday of a Rascal Flatts album, Feels Like Today. I knew I had it so I downloaded it to my phone and am listening to it now. I really like this album. By the time I was ready to write my blog, my damn foot and ankle flared up. I am in so much pain right now. I can take my regular pain meds in an hour. I could take another strong pain pill but it will make me dopey as I just took one not too long ago.

I don’t know how PT is going to help me with the pain. The PT I saw the other day said that I sort of need to retrain the brain as it’s all it can think about and it causes my pain more than my ankle/foot itself. Whatever. I just know that I hurt NOW and there is nothing I can do about it but write about it and swear. I didn’t leave the house today. All my activities were done around the house. I like cooking and baking. But not if it leaves me in agony. WTF. I can’t always rely on take out or my mother cooking something because I don’t have incoming money every week. I like to help my mother doing some of the cooking if I can.

It’s going to be a long night. If I am hurting this bad now, I am not sure if it will get worse or better later. I want to listen to the Sox game tonight. They have 4 games left in the regular season. If they win tonight, they could clinch the AL East title. It would be awesome to hear that as I can’t watch it on TV. My ankle will kill me if I go down the stairs again so I can’t watch the game. I am sad the season is over but the boys are in the post-season playoff games so I can still watch baseball. MLB sent me a link today for Red Sox jackets. I have three, the most expensive was $100. It’s a light but heavy jacket made for the cold New England weather. I can’t wear it if the temps are above 40 degrees or I will overheat. It’s that warm. It is my favorite jacket though. I really don’t need another jacket but there is one that I like that is $75. Maybe next pay period I will get it.