Category: mood disorders

hot day, therapy, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day, therapy, and other things

I woke up around 0630 in pain. I took some meds and then checked my bank account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I paid some bills and reordered my grocery as I had to cancel the order because of my PT appt yesterday. I just ordered the bare minimum because PeaPod hasn’t yet credited my acct and I didn’t want to spend that much. I’ll just buy what I need at the grocery store if I’m up to it. I might do another order for the stuff I didn’t get but I am hesitant because I want to make sure I have enough money for changing my name in two weeks.

After I paid my bills, I set my alarm and went back to sleep. My mother called me around noon, before my alarm went off. She wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I’m 41 and still get asked this, every single day! It’s annoying but there is nothing I can do about it. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself to and went downstairs to brush my teeth and get ready to go out. My aunt was over again so I exchanged pleasantries. On the way back up to my room, my ankle went out. Not a good sign. Luckily, it wasn’t painful. I limped back up to my room and then took more pain meds. I got dressed and then left the house.

There was construction on the sidewalk. A big machine was blocking my view of the street to see if the bus was coming. Luckily, I got up in time to check and it was coming. When I got on the bus, I ordered my Starbucks and something to eat. I had timed it right for my therapy appt as I only had about a half hour to write in my journal, which kind of sucked. I went to the train station and it was hot as an oven and by the time I got to my therapist’s office, I was sweating. I wished I had brought a facecloth to wipe off the sweat but I wasn’t thinking.

Therapy went well. I thanked him for rescheduling the appt. We talked about what went on yesterday with PT and that I am starting with a PT specialized in CRPS. Then we talked about my father and my suicidality. Yesterday was the first day in about 16 days straight that I didn’t think of wanting to kill myself. We talked about that for a while. Then we talked some more about my father and his death. It was a good session.

I went back to the Square to wait for the bus home. It was late. I was really sweating by the time I reached home. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my meds. On the way in, I saw one of the pharm tech girls with her dog. It was cute. I think it was a bulldog, my favorite kind of breed, well one of many. She was walking down the street with him the way I had to go. I almost caught up to her when she reached my house but she wasn’t paying attention so I just let her keep walking. My t-shirt was soaked and it was hot in my room. I put the AC on before I dried off and peeled off my shirt. I waited till I cooled down before I put on another shirt. Then I ordered food as my mother didn’t cook anything. She just reheated some soup from the other night.

My therapist said that I needed to do some “fun shit”. I said I don’t have much things that I do. If I make it to Starbucks for the day, then it’s a good day. He said that I should work on doing that more often. I was kind of stunned because I thought he wanted something more but going to Starbucks does make me happy, if for a little while. I need my espresso fix as they no longer have any Clover coffees that I like. I can’t remember the last time I had coffee at Starbucks. I do make it at home as I don’t have an espresso machine. I will never get one of those because I may never leave the house again.

Great News

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great news!! PT went well. She listened and knew what I was talking about. She is going to refer me to the brace clinic so I can have one for around the house rather than use my AFO. She said because I had CRPS for so long she is not sure therapy can help me get function back but there is a CRPS therapist there that could help. I’m going to try it and as long as it doesn’t flare me up too bad or make things worse I’ll go the 6 visits. She was so understanding of the condition and my past nerve injury. She said if it works great. If it doesn’t oh well. I told her I would like to make a meal where I didn’t have to sit every few minutes or bake in increments because I had to rest. That will be the goal to get me a little more functioning around the house and doing activities that I do. Working is not possible as it is too late for that kind of rehab. I’m excited. l but weary. I have to go see my psychotherapist tomorrow afternoon so I hope I don’t flare tonight from all that she did manipulating my ankle and foot.
The best part is I didn’t have to walk to get there. The bus stops right across the street. Score!!

I am feeling really tired and am in a lot of pain now from everything. I’m glad my mother made supper. She is feeling better. I just hope I don’t need to wash dishes.

I’m now going to be busy with appts all of Oct. If I need to cut down on PT, I can. They don’t want this to cause me more pain. I see the Neuro specialist in 2 wks. Hope he just is able to confirm CRPS so my PCP is happy. The week of the 9th is going to be nuts because Tues i have my name change at the courthouse, Wed PT, Thurs is my physical, and then PT again on Fri. I might skip Fri because it will be too much. We’ll see.

I tried fixing my laptop screen, thinking it was a loose connection but it wasn’t. It is a little better than it was yesterday so that is good. Now I just need to buy a new screen as I know I don’t have to remove all the parts of my laptop. I’m glad I have computer friends on Facebook.

I found one of the payment forms for my insurance to call the benefits office to find out if they will be carrying the same prescription plan. The number on it didn’t work so I had to email my former supervisor to get the correct number. He responded while I was traveling so I will call tomorrow. Open enrollment will be soon. I wonder how much more I will be paying for my insurance. Right now I am paying $171/month plus Medicare which is $104/month. This doesn’t include copays for appts or medications.

I emailed my psych about today’s news and asked her to send me a time for an appt. I was supposed to see her Friday but was in too much pain to get out of bed. It was a crappy day out that day anyway so I am glad I cancelled. Hope I can sleep at a decent hour and that I am not up all night in pain. It will suck.

My Thoughts on Zero Suicide as a Person with Lived Experience

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

My thoughts about Zero Suicide as a person with Lived Experience

There has been a lot of talk on Twitter about Zero Suicide and it’s mission to reduce the suicide rate to zero, because 1 is just too many. At first, I was appalled that clinicians think that is possible. I for one think that it is outrageous because there is always going to be someone who dies by suicide. Maybe not in their organization but outside their organization. But then I learned that it’s not an individual’s practice but an organization or health system that strives to achieve this goal. They have trainings and meeting with those in the suicidology world.

Something kept bugging me about this. I kept quiet because I didn’t want to anger those that are for it, though I think there are a few blogs that I wrote about it before I understood the mission. While talking to a friend that is a suicide loss survivor, the bells went off. She said that it goes against Shneidman’s questions, where do you hurt and how can I help?

I am a big supporter of Dr. David Jobes work with his framework called CAMS (Collaborating, Assessment, and Management of Suicidality). I don’t know if Dr. Jobes trains these Zero Suicide clinicians. And even if they are trained, I am not sure it will be used. Most clinicians have the attitude that their skills on suicide risk are good enough when it could be faulty. Worse, they go through the training yet don’t use what they are taught. That drives me up the wall. Why bother going to a training (unless it’s a mandatory thing) if you aren’t going to take away from it?

I really think CAMS is a tried and true framework to prevent suicide based on my experience of using it in my former therapy. I also used the Suicide Status Form. Unfortunately, my therapist did not want training in CAMS and we drifted apart, thus ending our relationship. We did, while we worked together, use the initial and tracking forms but unfortunately, we never got to the outcome form. She wasn’t committed enough to see it through and that kind of pissed me off. Every time I had a suicidal episode, she just wanted to know one question on the form, The one thing that would help me no longer feel suicidal. It is an open ended statement where the client fills in their thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, I could never come up with a satisfactory answer as I really didn’t know the reason for my suicidality. I just wanted to die and that was that. I wrote a blog about CAMS if you would like more information about how it is formed and the use of the Suicide Status Form.

I went on the website for Zero Suicide but could not seem to find the specific training that they went through. From what I gathered on Twitter from their live tweets, some of it is CAMS and some of it is using risk factors for suicide. Unfortunately, risk factors alone are not predictive of a suicide attempt. CBT has been useful in reducing suicide attempts but not all clinicians are trained in this modality. The book by Craig Bryan on CBT for preventing suicide attempts is a good book to learn more about it. I also wrote a review on the book that you can see here.
The other thing that gets me is that no where among Zero Suicide is there talk of a person’s psychological pain. There are measures, if you look for it. Dr. Holden at Queen University in Canada has created a scale to measure what Dr. Shneidman calls psychache. See my review on the research article for more information. I think it is a good psychometric to gauge a person’s level of suicidality and pain, which ultimately leads to thoughts of suicide. This must be included in any talk of preventing or intervention of suicide and also postvention, should a suicide attempt occur.

My final thoughts of Zero Suicide is that it is a novel idea but as Dr. Shneidman says, “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” I share his sentiments. I do not like the talk of “suicide is not an option”. To me, that is hindering free will. I do hope the rate of suicides goes down, but the way that health care and mental health are going, I think there will be more before it lowers, especially among the chronic pain patient population.

going fucking nuts in my own house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going fucking nuts in my own house

Since last night, I have been keeping an ear open for my mother should she need me. I was up half the night in pain so that kind of made it easier. I knew I would be as even though I wasn’t on my feet a lot, I wasn’t elevated my leg like I normally would be on a Sunday. I finally got to sleep between 0230 and 0300. I woke up around 0700. I checked on my mother and she was still sleeping. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just paid some bills as my check came in and ordered groceries.

I tried to go back to sleep after that but no go. I then got hungry so I went downstairs. My mother had already got up and made herself breakfast. I was waiting for my aunt to come over the house to let her in. I made my breakfast and was finishing up when she called me. It’s been a nuthouse since. My aunt likes to “yell” talk but she does it in an excited way that makes you think she is yelling at you. This is how she talks to my mother and when my mother argues with her, which has been happening all day, she yells louder.

I ordered a steak tip dinner for lunch and she gave me a look like it was the rottenest thing in the world that I did. Then my cousin, who sees me come up the stairs and in the kitchen says “oh I thought you weren’t getting around too good”. It was the first time in more than a week I’ve been out of my bed. I’m in pain and the shower I took hurt my back terribly. He doesn’t care though, only when he needs me to bring up my mother’s shopping. As I was having lunch, my mother and aunt were watching some program, together, and she is saying look at that, look at that in her loud voice. WTF are you kidding me? My mother isn’t more than 2 feet away from you and is watching the same damn show on the same television so of course she is seeing what you are you idiot!! I wish I didn’t change my therapy appt for this afternoon. I would have left the house to this nut.

I got to find the envelope that holds my insurance payment from my benefits office. I need to call them to see if they are still going to carry Caremark for their prescription service as it now affects me. Open benefits will be happening soon so they may change. If they are keeping it, I need to call my insurance and see if their new policy of opioids is going to give me a headache in the new year. It’s really stressing me out because if I can’t get my pain meds, I am screwed. And when the new year starts, I will have to pay for my meds. I don’t want to pay double for my pain meds because it started a new policy that is completely bullshit.

Crap. The PT place just called me back after playing phone tag. The good news is I have an appt tomorrow. Bad news is that it is now in an area where my father was living in so it’s bringing up all sorts of memories. I’m not sure what they are going to do to help me or if therapy can help me, if going to that area is right for me. It is a ways from the station. I’ll have to get off at the Stop and Shop stop and then walk from there as I’m not sure there is a bus that goes by there. When I left my father’s apartment for the last time, I never thought I would go near that area or train station or have to take that bus ever again. Hope I’m not triggered too badly tomorrow.