Category: mood disorders

Mondays Suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Mondays Suck

I had a hard time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up a few times during the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable or I just couldn’t sleep. It was a bad night. I had planned on going to Starbucks after I took my morning meds but I fell asleep and didn’t wake up again until my mother called asking what I wanted for dinner. By that time, it was too late to head to the Square.

I got up and made a half of a bagel for some calories for the day. I drank it with some dark chocolate almond milk for added protein. Then I went upstairs to check Twitter and Facebook. While doing that, the pain came back. I haven’t done a damn thing all day except make myself something to eat. Unreal. I just took some pain meds and will soon be calling it a day. I don’t care that it’s just about 1700. I won’t be watching/listening to the sox game tonight.

I texted my therapist late last night about the suicidal ideas that I am having. I didn’t give her specifics, I never do, but told her what was on my mind at that hour. I swear she better not give me a hard time tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with her. I never do when I am in this state. I think therapy is a joke when you are suicidal and want to seriously kill yourself. It’s a serious, “why bother” kind of thing. I never feel better after I have had therapy with these types of discussions. I just get more frustrated because usually, I am not being heard. Or my therapist goes into anxiety mode and nothing gets accomplished. That actually pisses me off more than just trying to talk about things.

I also sent my psychiatrist the “can’t die without explanations” blog. I wanted her take on it. I still haven’t heard back from her. I probably won’t. I un-password protected it last night so I didn’t have to send her my word doc. I won’t send her the other “incriminating” blog that I think sent police to my door. I still am upset that someone called the cops on me. I am just glad that I was home and they didn’t break in to see if I was okay.

I am getting hungry. That bagel didn’t help as I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I think I might make a black bean burger. I haven’t had one in a long time. I still haven’t made my way to Dunkin Donuts to grab a dozen donuts. I am sure their pumpkin ones are back. They are really good. But it is a long walk to get there. I could cheat and take the bus down the street. It’s only a few stops though. Maybe I will tomorrow before my therapy appointment if I get up early enough.

Sunday Blog 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the early morning, again, to tinkle and then I was hit with pain when I came back to my room. Then a few hours later, I woke up in pain. I took some more pain meds and that was my morning. I had two dreams with food in them because I was hungry. I had wanted to make breakfast when my med alarm went off but I just went back to sleep. It’s been a frustrating day.

My mother made fried eggplant and had some bread leftover. I love this. All it is is breadcrumbs with egg, fried till the egg cooks and it is so good. I sometimes love having it more than the eggplant or chicken that my mother makes. I also had a smores pop tart because that is what I wanted. I was thinking about making eggs and toast but I couldn’t be bothered. I made coffee and am trying to enjoy it as I write this blog.

I had a dream about my father and his sister. We were over her house and dinner was being prepared. Every time I went to eat my meal or something, I got distracted with my father’s incessant need for attention. Then when I went back to my plate, it had been cleared away. I was getting mad because I kept fixing a plate and then it was taken away from me. I couldn’t even eat in my dream!

As I was downstairs making coffee, I decided to watch the ball game. Sox were down 6-4 and then they tied it up. Jays were still batting when I left to go to my room because I couldn’t take the heat in the kitchen anymore. By the time I went back upstairs, the Jays scored two runs to make it 8-6. I was pissed. The Sox cannot lose against Toronto because they are battling for first right now with them! Papi just scored a 3 run blast. 10-8 Sox, 6th inning. I feel a little better now but the game is not over yet.

Today is the memorial for 9/11. I have been seeing more pics of the Towers today than I have in the past few years, some have videos attached of that tragic day. I didn’t watch them because I know I will cry. It’s just a very sad day in American history. That day will be forever etched in my mind. I haven’t turned on the radio today because I don’t want to listen to songs from that time period or songs that reflect the loss. I am just too emotional to hear it. Hard to believe it has been 15 years.

Saturday Blog 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.

Ankle Chronicle Rant and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicle Rant and other things

For the past several hours, I have been in severe pain because I decided to walk down a ramp instead of level ground. I had no idea it was going to cause me this much pain, but it is. All I want to do is sleep but I am so tense that my neck is hurting me. Being in this much pain, is causing havoc. I seriously want to amputate my ankle. I have thought about this a lot of times. But fortunately, I don’t possess the power tools to get the job done.

I forgot to mention some stuff to my psychiatrist in my appointment today so I emailed her. She is so worried about me getting severe side effects from my anti psychotics that I had to remind her about the more simpler side effects like constipation and urinary retention. I haven’t been on this medication since before my nerve injury so I don’t know how it is likely to play out. So far, I haven’t noticed anything worse, except possibly, starting my flow of urine. I didn’t mention this to my psych because I really do not want to see a urologist.

Anyway, she seemed fine with my description of the matter and what I am doing for the constipation. I didn’t tell her about the starting the flow of urine because I knew that might raise some eyebrows. I am okay with it unless it becomes worse. I hate having a nerve injury that causes these things. The nerve injury is what is causing my foot and ankle to be a dick. I swear that if I didn’t get my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I would not be disabled today. Or maybe I would be, but it would be because of mental difficulties rather than physical ones.

I am very exhausted from dealing with physical pain all the damn time. It seems the pain syndrome is just getting worse and trying to control it is getting more complicated. I have to time my pain medication accordingly or I am in severe pain. And when my regular pain meds don’t work, I have to take the stronger pain meds. If neither of these meds work, then I know it’s nerve related pain so I have to take Neurontin. It is a true juggling act managing my pain.

I know that my pain flare up today was caused due to me doing to much the last few days and not having a rest day in between. I have been out of the house since Wednesday and have not slowed down some. Yesterday, I walked more than I should have because I didn’t want to wait for the bus for an hour. I walked four blocks home and that caused my ankle to falter. Today I had my doctors appointments and couldn’t cancel them so I walked around the hospital to go to the two appointments that I had before my ankle had enough. It didn’t help that I stood on the train for five stops. I have been taking more chances and in the end, it just causing me more and more pain.

I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow but I canceled that engagement after my ankle basically said fuck you to me on the ramp. I really was looking forward to seeing my friends as we don’t get to meet up that often. But I needed to take care of myself and that means ordering pizza tomorrow and watching (hopefully) college football games. Last week the games I wanted to watch were not on in my area. This week, I am hoping at least one game is in my area.

I also need to shower. I wanted to do so tonight but my foot was having no part of standing whatsoever. Even standing to take my meds was a hassle and that was for less than two minutes.