Category: mood disorders

Busy Tuesday 25082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Busy Tuesday 25082020

I’ve had a busy day and it’s not completely over yet. I went to get tested for Covid. That was horrendous. I hated it but I did okay. I was in and out which was good. I caught the bus back to the Square. My barber didn’t have any openings so I went home to get something to drink and cool off a bit as well as charge my phone. After about twenty minutes I left the house again to go back to the Square to get my haircut. I wanted to go to the grocery store but my back is still spasming up a storm. There was no way I could walk around the store without pain so I ditched the plans and just came home after my haircut.

I am home now and am packing my bag for the hospital. I still got to throw some sheets in the wash. I also need to shave and shower. I got to wash my hair. Right now I am so exhausted I just want to pull the covers over me and try and nap. I haven’t decided if I am going to take my electric razor with me. If I shave today or tomorrow, I will take it with me so I can prevent a beard from growing. With this heat, I am not liking facial hair.

I didn’t wear my AFO again today. I thought I would be okay but my stupid ankle is acting up right now. Fuck. Feels like someone is trying to cut it in half. I took a BT med because what else am I going to do? I took a risk by not wearing it and now I am paying the price. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I want to test to see how far I can walk before pain hits me. I know I am fine with short distances. But longer distances like today was too much.

I don’t think I will be washing my sheets today. I am being hit with a deep wave of exhaustion and I think I will have just enough energy for a shave and shower, provided my back doesn’t continue to act up. I took preventative Zanaflex so in an hour from now I should be able to shower without issues, I hope so anyways. I still need to get my bag together. I am going to be taking my catheters with me so that if I have to use them, I will cath myself rather than a nurse. I really hope that if I do have to cath it is because of the medication they are giving me caused retention to worsen. My biggest worry is the constipation that will happen. I was loaded with a lot of stuff to go last time and it took like three days for me to finally have a movement. I am hoping to have a semi decent movement before surgery so I don’t have to be so full. But I don’t know what makes me go and what doesn’t. I can’t take senna the night before so I will have to take the senna tonight and then hope tomorrow I go decently.

I am glad my therapist is so straightforward with me. I know that I have a serious severe mental illness but in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to admit it. Hearing her tell it out loud made me realize that it is true. I am struggling with this so much. And there isn’t many meds I can be on because of stomach upset. I might go on celexa again. It was the only drug that I was on for a few years before it became ineffective. I don’t know what the new psychiatrist is going to be like. I feel sad that it isn’t going to be my psych. I wonder if s/he will be aggressive in treating my illness like the NP is. I am meeting with her (NP) tomorrow to discuss my options. I don’t know if I want to start something right before my surgery. I think I will when I am home from it all. I think it will be best to start something when I am not on so many meds from surgery. I still don’t know when I will restart therapy. I am thinking of giving myself a break and going back when I feel like it, like three weeks from now or something like that. I am sure she won’t even know that I am gone that long.

I don’t know why anxiety is crushing me right now. There have been moments in the past hour where I feel I can’t breathe. I literally have to tell myself to take a deep breath and do this a few times to calm down and feel like I am breathing again. It’s driving me crazy having these episodes. I know tomorrow is going to be worse with them because it will be one day before surgery. I half thought of killing myself before surgery just so I don’t have to go through with it. It was only a half thought but still, got me thinking. I won’t do it as much as I really want to escape from this. I just want to say that I am fine and go on with my life but I know that I will still feel like shit until the fluid collection get small enough to not bother me anymore which at this rate might be more than a year from now. It is my choice whether to keep things as they are (crummy) or to try and make things better. I hope I am making the right choice. I will find out this time Thursday evening or so.

telling it like it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Telling it like it is

I had therapy today and she told me how it is and I couldn’t argue with her. She said that I have severe depression with hallucinations that are sometimes commanding. I needed to be on medication, which I am not fully invested in right now because side effects have made me apprehensive. I told her she was right, that I do have severe depression that I don’t want to take care of. I am still thinking I have the mild version of depression in my head. The facts don’t support that. Throw in being suicidal and you are at a severe case as you can be. I guess because I don’t feel the heaviness of the depression all the time I feel like it has lessened.

All day my back has been spazzing. I don’t know why but it hurts and makes moving hurt even more. I somehow managed to change my sheets. I wanted to do it before my surgery. I am glad I did that. Tomorrow I will pack my bag for surgery. I am just taking a little bag with me with the essentials. I am taking some catheters with me because I don’t know how my bladder is going to be after surgery and I would rather cath myself than have a nurse do it. I am so nervous about this surgery. I need to have it done or there isn’t going to be a day where I am not needing to lie down after an activity. I already am exhausted just changing my sheets. Tomorrow I will be exhausted because I go get my Covid testing and getting my haircut. I think I am going to Uber going to and from. Depending what time I get off from testing, I will head to the Square or home. All depends on the time.

I ordered my groceries and because they merged with Stop and Shop, I wasn’t able to get all that I ordered. I am disappointed in this. I hate that I can’t get stuff that I normally used to get. Now I will have to make another trip to the store though it will have to be after my surgery. I hope that I have energy after my surgery. I know the first few days will be rough but after that I hope that I will be ok.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album. I really love it. I learn new things while listening to it. I love her voice so much. I would die if I ever met her. I have seen her in concert more than once. She puts on a good show.

anxious about surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxious about surgery

I am feeling anxious about my upcoming surgery in six days. I can’t believe time has moved so fast. This time next week I will be in the hospital recovering. I hope there isn’t any problems. I have a good surgeon so I don’t expect there to be but you never know. The surgery is for repair of spinal leaks in my back that are causing headaches and fatigue. I got the leak from my original surgery back in March. We have been going back and forth and finally after 3 months of my not improving decided to have surgery to fix it. I went to the grocery store and pharmacy today and I am completely wiped out. I had to get more Gatorade. I had to go to the pharmacy because I burned myself while making dinner. I think it is a second degree burn. But anxiety is keeping me up because I am thinking of surgery. Plus the next door neighbors are having a party so I really can’t relax. I am so uptight.

I walked without my AFO today. Bad idea. I am hurting really bad right now with my ankle. I wore new sneakers today that were comfy. They were much more supportive than my older sneakers. I know walking without the AFO is a chance for a flare up. Nothing I can do about it once it flares up. Just take my pain meds and hope for the best.

I have a full week of appointments next week. Monday I have therapy. Tuesday is Covid testing. I am going to try and get a haircut that day. Wednesday is psychopharm and I hope to have my groceries delivered. Thursday is surgery. I probably won’t be posting much after surgery until I am clear headed or am home from the hospital.

old D35

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Old D35

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album and there is a song on it called “Old D35”. I like it. It is cool. I love her voice. It is so soothing. Her new album is really cool and different than her previous album. I really like it because it has an upbeat tempo even if the song is sad. There is a song called “It’s ok to be sad” that I absolutely love. The lyrics are so profound yet totally relate worthy. It is like she is giving you permission to feel whatever. It truly is a marvelous song. I wish she would be on the radio more but it is so hard for artists to be on the radio these days, especially female artists.

I was talking to my cousin today. She called me to talk about my upcoming surgery and things. We have a family zoom meeting tomorrow night that I hope to attend. It will be good to see my cousins again. I just hope no one brings up my surgery because I really don’t want to talk about it with a particular cousin that is nuts. She is just so wild I can’t handle her intrusiveness.

My other cousin was to take me grocery shopping today but he had other plans so canceled on me. He said he would take me tomorrow so we’ll see. I just need to pick up somethings as I am out of Gatorade. I want to get some steak and some other things before I place my monthly order. I just hope I can get the flaxseed cereal I like. It will be cheaper in the store than through the app. The new app doesn’t have the things that I like or that the old app had. It makes ordering more difficult as my only large order is getting Powerade/Gatorade. I have to make a list of things that I need to get or I will forget.

Last night I had heartburn pretty bad. I think it is because of sertraline so I didn’t take my dose today. I still got heartburn but it wasn’t as bad as last night. I will skip tomorrow’s dose and see if that quiets things down. I took a shower today and shaved all the parts that needed it. My back didn’t like it. (I didn’t shave my back.) it just flared up with cramps and spasms. I had to sit down quite a few times while in the shower. I swear it was the longest shower because I kept having to sit down to ease the spasms. The hot water didn’t help. My foot flared up and it is still flared up. I feel like my bones are being crushed. I hope the breakthrough med helps. I don’t have anything stronger to take. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight before midnight. Last night I had such trouble sleeping. I didn’t go to sleep until around or after 0230. I was scared I was going to be up all night again. I shouldn’t have trouble tonight because I am tired and sleepy. But I am also feeling anxious because I am thinking of my surgery so I might not fall asleep as quickly as I think I will.

The lab called to schedule my Covid testing. I will be going into Boston to a place I am not familiar with. I think I will take an Uber. Then if I am familiar with the surroundings and feel ok to walk to the train station, I will take public transportation home. I just hope it doesn’t rain that day. I have to be tested to make sure I don’t have the virus for surgery. I am nervous about the testing. I hope it isn’t painful.