The barometric pressure dropped 0.40 points overnight and my foot/ankle and back felt it. I woke up in a horrid mood, much like I have the past two weeks. Depression has been really bad. I’ve been talking with my psych daily to avoid hospitalization. I refuse to go back in unless I attempt.
I spent the day either sleeping to fantasizing my death. I seriously wonder if I will ever go through my stupid thoughts or just keep planning over and over again. I told my psych how bad things were Friday night hence why we have been talking daily. I’ve been afraid of emailing her due to being forced to show up at an ER.
My family has been upside down since my sister moved in last week. She must have said “you don’t need that” at least a hundred times, if not more. There is no kitchen space as her stuff is there. I want to bake but really have no energy to move the stuff out much less have the space to place the cookie sheets. I am pissed that she told me I need to make room in the living room by going through my office stuff so her daughter can sleep on the couch. I don’t understand why she can’t sleep on my other sister’s couch until we square things away here. I have no idea how long it is going to take me to make stuff in my room for my office stuff. I cleared a box last week but still haven’t broken it down. I got hit with mega pain and back spasms so I was out of commission for a few days. Plus being depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. My psych is preventing that. I kind of wish I wasn’t under her surveillance. I really don’t want to see or talk with her.
I am just going to take my night meds and read Harry. I don’t have the energy for anything else.
Pain is really bad because i had to leave my house earlier than I would have liked. Both feet are swollen, left worse than right. I can’t deal. Least i had some of my Pad Thai, and by some I mean 5 bites. I was full. Psych thinks I should see my pcp because of the weight loss. Basically losing 5 lbs a week. Told her I am ok. When it is 30 lbs I will be worried 😜 (just have 15 more to go) also thinks I should see him for my flares. I don’t have the energy to. Previous docs have shot me down when I’ve told them every appt flares are worse and i am met with no change in meds or what to do. I’m done getting burned so i am staying away from the fire. Besides with my living situation changing, flares are going to be way more frequent from stress.
I told my psych I’ve been really suicidal. I’ve been trying to keep the demons at bay but pain is a huge trigger and add depression and it just fuels the fire. I’ve never been this down before, well I have. Just not so quickly. Three weeks is a short amount of time. My psych asked me if I could come in next week and I asked if I had to and she said yes. Great. I really don’t want to see anyone. I just feel hopeless about everything and I am overwhelmed with shit I have to do. My sister is driving me crazy because she is stressed out. Stress just causes me more pain. I had my 5th flare in a week last night. I have been going on 4 hours sleep, which I got in 2 hour increments.
I was very suicidal last night, the worst it has been in quite some time. I know I could have called my psych but I really didn’t want to be told to go to the hospital. I am done with going to hospitals, least the unit I was on. There isn’t any help anymore. I don’t have a therapist. Unfortunately I am still not mobile enough to be going. I am making some progress in PT but it is very slow. It has been two months I’ve been going and have been doing the exercises but on days I hurt, I can’t do them or on days like today where I had to fucking leave my house because my pedophile cousin came over with my aunt. His voice still gives me flashbacks and shit. I was out for about six hours. I knew I going to be hurting. I didn’t think I would swell though.
My voice is continuing to change. I had no voice when I got up around 10. Trying to communicate to my mother was a fucking pain in the ass. I literally had to write shit down to tell her stuff. When my aunt came over while I was in the shower, I was a little better but still hoarse. Even while talking to my psych I sounded froggy.
My hair is getting thicker. And omg, my hair on my head is growing faster than ever. I shaved it this morning and now I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Will be a buzz tomorrow. Yet my mustache takes forever to grow back. I shave it off last week because I got a big painful zit. It is growing back but not at the same pace.
I am really exhausted between pain and the depression. My sleep has gotten a little better with the melatonin but if I am in a flare, forget it. I just fight sleep.
I saw my pcp’s social worker yesterday afternoon. She can’t see me like a therapist but will cover me until I do find a therapist. She is easy going but I haven’t shared my suicidal demons with her. I really can’t. Last thing I need is for it to be in my record and then I am fucked. Any provider can read her notes. I am very careful about letting on how suicidal I am. I will tell my psych but that is it.
I had my grocery delivery yesterday. Powerade hasn’t done shit about their lot that is bad. I got 5 more bottles of the crap. Going to have to call again. I wanted to today but was rushed out of my house. I still need to get some as they only delivered 7 of the 30 I ordered. They also didn’t deliver my chicken patties for the second month in a row! Now I need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff. I am going to try and just buy the powerade at a little at a time because I can’t carry a huge load. 5 bottles is my limit on my rolling cart thing. I won’t go tomorrow but maybe Monday. I am sort of dreading it as my sis moves in Sunday. God only knows what it will be like living with her again.
Don’t feel like writing today. Did too much and pain is horrible.
Here is a song that is running rampant in my head. Hope you like it