Category: psychache

Another Crappy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I have been in a depressive funk for the past few days. It started with a CES accident and has not let up since. Most days I do not think I have CES because my symptoms are minor and the burning in my legs have dwindled for the past week for some reason, maybe because I have gone back on my mood stabilizer. Well the mood stabilizer has done nothing to stabilize my mood. I have gone off the deep end twice and have thought nothing of killing myself for no good reason. Anything that doesn’t go my way I am thinking of ending my life.

It started before New Years so I can’t say with certainty the holidays brought it on. Now I am dealing with voices. They are a low mumble right now. I hate them more than I hate being suicidally depressed. I think I might end up in the hospital if I can’t get the voices under control. I kind of stopped my meds last week because I was getting horrible side effects. Now I am back on them but it is going to take a couple days to work up to a therapeutic dose.

I had to reblog one of my blogs because it got spammed really bad. I was getting spam messages almost every day that had nothing to do with the content of what I was saying. It was depressing because it is a paper I worked hard on for the past few years. I know the blog world doesn’t think much about academic papers but I know I couldn’t get this published anywhere so a friend said to blog it. I have gotten good reviews from friends about it. I have gotten nothing since the reblog.
Yesterday I had 50 viewers on my site. Not bad as my average is usually 17-20 but no one left me any comments…

Yesterday I went out to read and lost the book I was reading. It fell out of my bag and left me really depressed. It is a book about suicide and I was getting to the “good” part of what the underlying cause of my suicidality is. I feel like such an idiot for losing it (I forgot to close my bag after putting it back in). I suppose I could go to the bus stop tomorrow and see if anyone has turned it in. Most likely someone just threw it away. The thing that really stinks is that it is an autographed copy. I got the book when the American Association of Suicidology was in Boston for their annual conference. I have ordered another copy on Amazon but it is a paperback and I had the hardcover. I like hardcovers better than paperbacks. It is so depressing.

I must have thought a million times to page my psychiatrist or my therapist because my mood has dropped twenty degrees in the past 48 hours. I just don’t know what to do. I know part of it is because I still have my menses which I shouldn’t have. It is messing me up with the whole transgender thing. I am a male and should not be getting menses. I am in the wrong body. I am so upset I have thought about cutting to soothe myself but I don’t want anyone to see my scars. I have little ones that will harp on it like a bat out of hell. And I don’t want to worry my family so I suffer. It’s not like talking about it is going to help anyways.

Another cold depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

It’s a very cold New England day. I didn’t want to venture out because it was bitter cold. I bought the best of Laura Branigan because I had to listen to Ti Amo and Gloria. I was looking for the Italian version she made but no such luck.
I haven’t done anything but shave and shower. I also brushed my teeth. That is one of my resolutions: to brush my teeth at least once a day. Yesterday I didn’t do too good at it though I had enough opportunities. I just was feeling really yucky yesterday like I am today.
Seems the newsletter that I am working on will be on board sometime next week. I am kind of excited but the depression is making me feel like so what. I know this is a big thing but it’s hard to get excited when you feel so exhausted and down because of the depression.
I am supposed to write a review for a book I read. I am kind of nervous about it because I never wrote a review before and right now in this frame of mind, I don’t think it will be good to write anything. It will just be depressing and that is not what the book is about.
I still have not made any decision about when to tell my family about being called “Mike”. It’s funny because those at the newsletter still call me by my initials of my first and last name. I don’t know what to be called. I guess this is what a true identity crisis is like. For this newsletter I want to be called anonymous and so I am, just like this blog. I doubt my family reads this even though I post it on my real Facebook page. I also post it on my twitter account. I started a midnightdemons twitter account but I like my twitter account better as I have had it for so long.
I texted my therapist that I canceled my appt for Monday. We’ll see if she respects it or not. I should call and cancel as that would be more meaningful but I think 4 days time of canceling is better than a phone call. I am supposed to give 24 hr notice and 3 days is more than that!
I just don’t want help anymore. I know I need it but what is it doing for me? Nothing. I talk to a person that sometimes talks more than I do for crying out loud. I have tried to get her to shut up but most of the time I what she says makes sense but I still feel like I should be talking some of the time during my session. I have tried getting a new therapist but that failed disastrously. Tried ten therapists and they all bailed on me because of my history of suicidality. So now I am stuck with a person who is thirty miles away from me and I have to have phone sessions with. Not that I mind. But I wish we could have a real session once in a while. Maybe Tuesday I will get up early to take my sister’s car so I can have it for the day.

Another depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Today was a rough day. I had an annoying appt with my therapist. I wish I hung up on her (we have phone sessions because it is too far for me to see her as I do not have a car). I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts but she was not having any part of it.
I am in a seriously depressed mood. I started talking about my plans and how I am going to cancel my Tuesday appt because I just don’t feel like talking and she schedules me for a Monday session. I don’t want to fucking talk. I just want to be left alone you idiot but she didn’t get the message.
We talked about how to tell my mother about me being Mike. I am scared. Maybe I don’t have to tell her. There is no time limit that says I have to tell her now. Let me get comfortable with being Mike before I go telling my family. That is how I came out. I came out to my friends before I came out to my family. So far my friends have been more than supportive. My former coworkers are happy for me. Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling so down all I want to do is kill myself?
After therapy and the ensuing fight of getting another session in, I fell asleep. It was cold in my room and I was exhausted from getting up early to see my psychiatrist earlier this morning. Besides it was really cold out so it’s not like I could take a walk anywhere. I can’t walk too far anyways. Damn ankle prevents that from happening. Though my ankle has been behaving the past few days. Until now. Now it is aching and throbbing. I hear the temp is going down to 8 degrees tomorrow, which is a good 20 degrees lower than it is now. Just wonderful that I am a human barometer. I hate that the change in temp causes me pain. I used to love the winter because I love the cold. Now the cold hurts so I don’t love it as much. I just popped 3 baby aspirin because I couldn’t find my advil gelcaps. My left calf is sore and with all the laying around that I have been doing I am scared I might get a DVT, a deep venous thrombosis, a very bad blood clot. But I am trying not to worry because it might be the ticket out this world and keep me from having to kill myself. It takes a lot of planning and energy to kill yourself. I just am too exhausted to try again. Though I still have my plans of throwing myself off my back porch with a rope around my neck. Chances are though I will make a terrible knot and fall to the ground. That will be embarrassing…
Listening to number 8 on my playlist, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. Her music always seems to lift me up. Her and Mary Chapin Carpenter are my favorite female artists that I listen to when I am down and out. Right now I have my MP3 player on party shuffle as part of the writing challenge that I am doing. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one because it talks about family. I think I will just make it short and sweet and be done with it.

Ramblings 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

I am tired. So very tired and don’t know why. I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till six in the morning because my brain just would not shut off.
I kept on thinking about my TG issues. I finally came out to my group to call me Mike. I also changed my name on Facebook to call me Mike. So far everyone has been so supportive I am almost tempted to try my real family and see if I still get the support but I am very afraid to. I am so afraid of rejection that I know it will send me to a tailspin suicidal crisis. I don’t think anyone understands the pain that I am feeling. Maybe that is what is making me exhausted. I could take my meds now and fall asleep. Another day will rise and maybe this would all be a dream.
I am cold. I still have this bloody cold and cough for the past week. I hate being sick.
I also been thinking about what I wrote last night about Shneidman. Maybe he wouldn’t be rolling over in his grave because there would be less man hours going over hundreds of notes. The hard part of this study is that all of them have to be inputted by hand into computer. Now that is a lot of man hours!! But if it helps the greater good so be it.
I was talking with a fellow blogger who was suicidal and he/she wanted help yet when they got it, rejected it, saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I got really mad. Telling me I don’t know what depression is like is telling me I don’t know how to breathe. This dude has some serious issues. SO I walked away. Obviously he didn’t want to be helped and so be it if he wanted to kill himself there was no way I could stop him. I was trying to be there for him and he was rejecting my help so fuck him. Let him stay in his own miserable world, thinking he is the ONLY person that feels pain. I never seen such a case of stupidity but then again I am new to this blogging thing. I can’t help everyone I guess.