Category: psychosis

Sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, transgender

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.

The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.

The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.

I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns. 

I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.

Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.

Case of the Mondays

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

I hardly slept last night, which is getting to be my routine. my mother woke me up when she got up and then my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to leave the house by 0830 but by the time the sheets and blankets stopped holding me hostage, it was 0835. crap. I quickly got dressed and ran to the bus stop. luckily I didn’t have to wait long.
The trains were severely delayed due to a medical emergency at one of the stops. I waited for 5 trains and they were all full. by the time the 5th train rolled into the station, I was supposed to be at my appointment. I said fuck this and took the bus to the Square. I had my espresso and breakfast. I was really tired but by the time I finished my sandwich, I missed the bus. Just my luck. I had to wait an hour for the next one. 

I decided to write in my journal but didn’t get too far. I guess CBT is not meant for me. I texted my therapist about the delays and missing my appointment. I also texted her that I was canceling our appointments this week. I haven’t heard back from her so I hope she isn’t avoiding me. she likes to play games with our times. drives me crazy.

I came home and my mother was watching TV really loud. I have been trying to sleep but my mother is making it impossible. She is baking and watching TV in the kitchen with the volume at full blast. I took some pain meds because the brace I had on made my ankle hurt and it still is smarting from last night, plus all the standing I did at the station didn’t help. 

I’ve been reading twitter since I came home. the delays from this morning are finally clear. Figures. I really want to nap. Meds are making me drowsy so maybe I will. I just need to block out the noise in the kitchen.Least there isn’t construction going on today. I would really lose it.

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.