Category: suicide attempt

rambling 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I don’t know what the RMV (registry of Motor Vehicles) has against me but I still have not been able to renew my license and it is going to expire tomorrow, my birthday. Which I am not having a cake or any celebration because my family and I are sick. I can’t even leave my room without dizziness so I guess it’s kind of a good thing.

It is so different typing on my old laptop than my new one. But with using this old one I still was able to get the pre form for my license. I just hope that the place is open on Monday and I am feeling better to knock some heads in.

I still haven’t finished Christmas shopping but I don’t care. I’m too sick to finish. I have to get a photo album for my dad and some gift card for my niece. I’ll probably do that Monday as well.

Looks like the Chinese food that I ordered online didn’t go through. No matter as I have no appetite anymore anyways. I am hungry but I just don’t know what to eat. I’m tired of just eating soup.

I haven’t left my room except to shower. That is all I have done today. I don’t know what the weather is like. People have been talking about the world ending. I knew it was a hoax. It is the start of the new calendar which is what I have been saying all along.

why the stigma in preventing suicide?

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

People always scramble when there is lightening but not for suicide prevention. Lightening takes less lives each year than suicide does. I think people don’t scramble because there still is this stigma that it won’t happen. People don’t want to acknowledge that suicide exists and if it doesn’t exist, why prevent it? The stigma is that you run into the old “every man has a choice”. People believe that suicidal people are just going to do it anyway so why bother preventing the inevitable. It happens to those that see it in the ER. Most people cannot fathom why someone would want to take their own life. They think life is so grand that nobody would want to take it. They believe in this bubble that if it doesn’t happen to me, it doesn’t happen at all. I have a cousin who thinks this way. She thinks that if she doesn’t pay attention to the bad stuff, maybe it won’t happen as often. She just wants to be happy all the time. There is nothing wrong with that but not acknowledging serious mental illness is a problem. They have to believe that there is always good things in their world for their sanity. Thomas Joiner, a psychologist that deals with suicidality believes that most suicide prevention would cost less if people actually believed it exists. In his book why people die by suicide, he proposes the risk of a bicyclist getting hit by a car over the prevention barrier of the SF bridge. More people die by suicide (30 per year) than someone dying by getting hit while riding a bicycle.

I think I understand why people are afraid. They still have it in their mind that suicide should not be talked about. If it is talked about then it is real. And if it is real, then something should be done to prevent it.  Unfortunately, not enough people think that suicide is real despite it climbing and it being in the top 10th percentile in the U.S.

validation and connectedness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

val·i·date

/ˈvæl ɪˌdeɪt/ Show Spelled [val-i-deyt] Show IPA

verb (used with object), val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing.

1. to make valid; substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions.

2.to give legal force to; legalize.

3.to give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to, as elected officials, election procedures, documents, etc.: to validate a passport.   

Taken from dictionary.com

 

This is the long version of what it means to be validated. That is what every suicidal person wants. To have that understanding and human connectedness of being validated, that they are not crazy or being patronized but what they are feeling. Without this essential human feeling, we feel we are being criticized and judged no matter how much sympathy or empathy is shown.

I recently posted a couple of vents about mental illness on my blog. I was looking for validation in what I was saying. And someone, a good friend of mine, gave me that, because she feels the same way I do about how damned the mentally ill can feel. To be validated in this sense is that she understood where I was coming from. She didn’t horseshit around the topic to try and make me feel better. She went on her own tyrant of feelings about the subject and that made me feel better.

But the best comment I got today was from a fellow blogger who thanked me for continuing to live because it gave him or her hope to do the same. That is why I write this blog. That is why I try to make this blog as painful as I feel it because I know someone out there is going to read it and feel the same way. And in that sense, he or she will hopefully feel connected to the world and want to stay in it long enough to do whatever.

venting about mental illness and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental illness, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.