Category: writing

Faith and Hope

by Midnight Demon, posted in writing

Faith and Hope: Are they the same?

“There is no such thing as hopeless if you believe” –Joe Nichols, Impossible

Though these two statements appear contradictory, they are the same. Faith comes from the belief in something, a God or Higher power that someone believe in whole heartedly exists even without real proof of that existence. Hope comes from within, a source that is based on faith but not wholeheartedly. People who don’t have faith do have hope, least that is what I believe as I am one of those people. I no longer have faith in a god but do believe there is a higher power. But I believe that hope does exist because without it, you are left with hopelessness and despair, which is not a good feeling. Are faith and hope feelings? Maybe. I believe that both can exist without the other. It’s belief, not faith that ties it together. If people believe in faith, it exists. If people believe in hope, it exists. If people believe in both, then it exists.

Most people have hope more than they have faith, unless they are deeply religious, than they have both. If someone believes there is a God out there, then their faith lies in that and so does their hope. Those like me who don’t believe in a God, just rely on hope to be there.

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, transgender, writing

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

I have lived in Boston most of my life and the craziness every time the word “snow” is mentioned is wicked funny. People go crazy in the stores thinking the world is going to end. They buy ridiculous amounts of milk, eggs, bread and other items that will probably go bad if the power goes out during the supposed storm. I have been taking pictures since noon time to compare the accumulation for my friends in the UK and elsewhere. It is kind of fun doing so.

Right now I am installing software on my old laptop because the software is not compatible on my new laptop. I have to get a newer version for it but I am not going to pay another $80 USD for this software when my old laptop can still run it. Even if I did it would take me years to figure it out like when I first bought this software. I just wanted to burn CD’s. And it was complicated. I needed the 200 page manual to figure it out. I am not a software geek that is for sure.

On a personal note, I am a man again! My 7 and a half week siege of the menses has ceased. I can now go back to my manly clothing. I am so happy I think it knocked out the cutting urges finally. I still feel depressed but it’s just my normal level of depression. Though the psychache is still there. That has not lifted at all. I don’t think that ever will. It’s always there like a monkey on my back. I am going to try and work in a shower today. I really need it and then I can slip into my boxers again. I am so relieved that stopping the OCP’s worked. I was really getting worried that something was wrong.

suffering with a price

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Today was a little better day without my nerve condition bothering me so much. I still feel pretty down.

I’ve been trying to work on my blog for the new thing that I am involved in and it’s tough editing my own work. I am to add in some questions but don’t know really where to begin. I feel like just drafting a whole other paper but I don’t want to start from scratch. Drafting this paper was a piece a cake the first go round. Editing it is a little more difficult.

I finally saw my therapist after not seeing her for a few months. I think I might be able to see her every Tuesday but I am not sure I can commit to that. I have a hard time waking up and getting the car from my sister’s work is a hassle. I then have to pick her up from work and sometimes I am too tired to drive back, even though it is a MUCH shorter distance than my therapist’s office. I had to give her my forms for my long term disability so I might see her next week so she doesn’t have to mail them out and I can send it in with the other stuff that they need. I’m seeing my psychiatrist next week so I will drop off the paperwork to her and my primary care as he is in the same facility. I don’t get to see him till the end of the month and I want them sent in ASAP.

I just looked over the paperwork and they have a section for vocational stuff. My psychiatrist isn’t involved in that kind of bullshit and neither is my therapist. Oh the hoops these idiots make you go through for a buck.

Been starting to feel suicidal again. I just keep thinking that I just have to die. I can’t go on living. Then today a video comes in that my niece wanted and she is overjoyed and tells me that she loves me so much. How am I to die knowing that she will be messed up if I die? It hurts too much to think about but yet it kills me to suffer the way I do all the time. I get no reprieve. No alleviation at any time. Sure I was able to drive 30 miles today to see my therapist but it cost me my back to be hurting and mentally I am still depressed and suicidal. We talked about this new group that I am hoping to get into. I don’t know, maybe it will help things. I know it will give me something to get out of the house but the group meets at the time of my therapy appt on Wednesdays. I know it’s not a big deal to reschedule my appt but it is to me. I hate it when the schedule gets messed around. Trying to find another time is not always that easy. But I still think that suicide is a way out of my misery. I don’t have to go to group or therapy. Just crush a teenager’s heart or two. I try not to think about stuff like that because it really brings into the picture of what suicide does to the family when you are gone. I keep thinking they will be alright but I know they won’t. People always keep reminding me of that and it kills me because it means I have to suffer longer. I just want my pain to stop. If I had cancer I know they wouldn’t want me suffering so why can’t they just understand it that way. That I had to be out of my misery because I hurt so much. But no one sees it my way.

ramblings 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, physical pain, psychache, writing

I’m hurting tonight. Left leg is swollen and hurts like a SOB. I hope I get some sleep tonight as I got to get up early tomorrow. I have an appointment with a group leader I hope to get into a group with. I don’t know if it will work out as the walk is a hike from the T station. I’m worried I might not make it. I’ll bring my cane tomorrow just in case my leg is in support. I know it is because it is snowing out.

Today was my niece’s birthday party. I made chicken wings for the party. They were gone by the end of it. Everyone loves my chicken wings.

I got a paper I need to revise for an upcoming blog post. I have had a chance to do it today and doesn’t look like I am going to do it tonight as I am pretty medicated, or will be. The pain started when I woke up this afternoon. My sister kept calling me like every friggen hour on making the wings so I didn’t get much sleep. I hope it doesn’t last long because it will drive me crazy and it doesn’t help me walking.

I hate waking up early for any reason but tomorrow I will make an exception and go to this appointment. I hope it is for the good because I really want something that gets me out of the house and maybe help my mood somewhat.