Gender Dysphoria

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, transgender

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. They weigh so heavy for some reason. Maybe it is because of the pain.

I can’t decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

Nor’Easter number??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nor’Easter number ?

We have had so many storms in the last few weeks that I have lost count which number this is. It is bad. I took a pic when I came down to the kitchen at noon and one of the screen doors was half covered in snow and the bottom was just a huge pile of snow that had drifted that end of the house. Surprisingly, I haven’t been in as much pain as I was yesterday. I was up most of the night, fighting nausea and then got really bad indigestion. I need to get some Mylanta the next time I go to Walgreens. I ran out and keep forgetting to grab it.

I made coffee with my new French press. I was so tired when I was making it that when it was time to pour the coffee, I didn’t know how. HAHA There is a lever now. My old one just had a screen that you turned. I love this new one. I made Kopelani coffee. It was good with caramel notes and like the guy at Starbucks said, a little smokey. I was glad it wasn’t overpowering. I drank half of it and got hungry so I made some boiled eggs. I wanted to make bacon but I didn’t have the energy for it. After I finished the eggs I went up to my room. I was so fricken cold, down to my bones. I felt like I was never going to get warm again. I was tired so decided to take a nap. I was just drifting off when my mother began calling me, telling me dinner was ready. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted sleep dammit! God she is so annoying! She heated up some beef stew that she made months ago.

I’m still not hungry. I could go back to sleep but decided to write for a bit. My ankle was kind of cramping when I woke up from my nap. It was hurting so I took a pain med. I wanted to read today but I don’t have the brain to do it. I might make some orange spice tea and just play on my phone. I’ve been on Facebook most of the day. A lot of people have been posting in my CRPS group. Makes the time goes by talking to my support friends.

My psychiatrist rescheduled my appt for tomorrow so I don’t have to go out. I will see her on Friday. Not sure what the city is gonna look like after the storm. It’s really bad with all the snow. In yesterday’s mail, I got a thing from my student loans. I get a piece of mail from them every few months. This one was telling me the interest rate was changing. I think there is an error because it went from 2.85% to 328%! I meant to call today but I forgot. I will call tomorrow. I also need to change my name with them

Worst Monday ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I wanted to go back to bed but I knew if I did, I’d regret it. I laid down but didn’t sleep. My mother called me. She wanted me to go to the bank for her and I said to leave the stuff on the table. I wasn’t feeling too well. My foot hurt so I took some pain meds. Then I got dressed.

Went downstairs and got my mother’s bank stuff. Then I went to the bus stop. It was cold. A storm had been predicted. Just great. I got to Starbucks later than I wanted. I quickly ate my breakfast and then bought some new coffee and a French press. The one I had kept leaking coffee no matter how much pressure I put on the lid. Time for a new one.

I grabbed my things and went to the train. I put my ear buds in and wow the music was loud. I lowered the volume. Should have known it was the start of a migraine. Train came and I went into town. I got to my doc’s office with 2 mins to spare.

I was called in a few mins later. The medical assistant took my vitals. Asked about my pain and then said the doc would be in soon. I finished my espresso and threw it away. Doc came in and told him I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He had to let the pain doc do something for my pain. I didn’t threaten suicide or anything. He read their notes but didn’t tell me what it said. Then I told him to contact my Neuro to find out what else can be done. He read his note and it said he suspected a superficial fibular nerve injury rather than crps. This was before the bone scan confirmed CRPS. My pcp said he would send him a note. Then he examined me. I told him my leg was swollen. He said it was consistent with the fibular nerve. I wanted to kick him. The poking aggravated my leg and ankle. The top of my foot was already nuts. I told him this half hurt and the other didn’t. I put my shoe back on. He wanted to do a tox screen. I forgot to ask him about CBD oil. Oh well. I left a urine sample and made an appt in a few months.

I got to the Square and just caught the bus. I went to the bank and by the time I got home, my ankle flared up. I took some pain meds and changed to my PJs. Then I made a sandwich. Came back to my room and my head exploded. I felt sick. Took my migraine meds, the zofran, and magnesium. I took the mag because the pain in my leg was causing spasms. Then my foot lit up like a Christmas tree. I was cooked. The barometric pressure was 29.95. Explains the migraine and increase in pain. I’m still trying to get it under control. I feel really sick. Sounds hurt so bad as does light. I’ll be going to bed early.

After I had some Sloppy Joes, I got the mail. The books I ordered came in. One is a medical thriller called the 4th procedure. The other book is called helping the suicidal person. If the migraine is gone tomorrow, I’ll read one.

I don’t ever remember having so much pain in my head and foot/ankle at the same time. The city has already called a snow emergency. There is no school tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere. I feel so miserable. I hope I sleep okay tonight. Sounds like my mother is done watching TV so maybe I can rest now.

daylight savings time mess

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daylight savings time mess

I slept nearly every two hours the whole night. I gave up around 6 and had something to eat then tried again and was successful. I slept the whole day! I woke up slightly a few time, but I mostly stayed asleep until 1615. I took my pain meds and then went downstairs to make something to eat.

My brother in law got me rolls instead of hamburger buns. It was okay. I made the Manwich and it came out good. Now I have a quick meal the rest of the week. I decided to shower after I ate as my pain was still pretty low but creeping up. As I was in the shower for a few minutes, there was this awful noise and the pipes were vibrating. I moved this lever thing and that stopped the noise but by the end of the shower, I was losing water pressure. My mother and brother in law heard the noise. I told my mother what had happened and she said she would call the plumber tomorrow.

My foot was not a happy camper by the time I dried off and got dressed. I filled the pill box for the week and that made it more angry. I am going to put some diclofenac gel on it to see if that helps calm it down some. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill unless I have to. I had to take 3 yesterday to control my pain. I don’t want to get constipated again. That was awful as with my nerve injury, it is very easy to get backed up. I also can’t take senna a few nights this week because I have appts.

I read Facebook and looks like another fricken storm is coming over the next few days. That would explain why I was hurting so bad yesterday. I am going to be hurting the next few days as the snow is going to start tomorrow and end fricken Wed! I hope I can see my psychiatrist Wed but it will depend on what the roads are like and how bad the snow is. If they call for a snow emergency, I might reschedule.

Sometime during my Painsomnia, I wrote about stuff I wanted to discuss with my PCP tomorrow. I see him in the morning so I hope the snow doesn’t start then. I canceled my appt with my therapist for the afternoon. It would be too much for me to have two appts in one day at different locations.

I read some of 1984 last night to try and distract from the pain. I really hope something like that doesn’t happen to the US due to Cheeto’s stupidity and paranoia. I heard he is still trying to campaign for 2020. Idiot doesn’t realize how stupid that is. He can barely manage this presidency! I might not be around then anyways. All decisions will be made by Friday. Just hope my pain is better by then.