Tag: back pain

random thoughts 08102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 08102020

I had therapy today and it got me more depressed. I felt like she was just placating me. It was a difficult session. I told her about crapping my pants and feeling ashamed about it but she didn’t say anything. I felt like she just dismisses my physical ailments because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. She wants me to fucking talk but when I do, I am not validated in what I say. I just feel so depressed about the whole thing. I don’t know why I bother going to therapy or maybe I have the wrong therapist. I don’t know. I have been working with her for over a year now. She wants to just solve all the difficulties in my life with skills and I am sorry sometimes I just need to be heard not fix what I say.

We agreed I should write more and frankly, I am tired of trying to write because I get stuck often and it is difficult to continue writing. I often write something emotional and then have to stop writing because I get overwhelmed. Then I can’t go back to what I was writing. I get very frustrated with this. So I think my solution is to try and write a in a letter format. I think that if I try writing to someone, say my therapist, it might be easier. So if you should see a “Dear Therapist” post, know that it is just me trying to write my emotions better.

Took a shower today and it killed my back. I have been in agony since. It is so frustrating. Because my sister tested positive for Covid, I am having a virtual session of PT tomorrow. I am trapped in my house. I need to go food shopping again because we are out of ketchup. My cousin hasn’t called me to go and I am getting annoyed having to wait for him to call me. He said that if he felt like taking me he would call me so I guess he hasn’t felt like taking me because he hasn’t called. Fuck.

I’ve been in an irritable depressed mood since therapy. My mother and sister were arguing while I was in session and I just got depressed about it. They always seem to be arguing lately. I hate it when they argue because my mother gets so mad and I worry with her heart condition.

I am so exhausted because I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. I started falling asleep sitting up and stayed that way until I woke up with my neck hurting and then I laid down. I slept a couple of more hours before I woke up again to pee. I then stayed up for an hour or so before I went back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later. I gave up sleeping because I had my therapy appointment and I didn’t want to oversleep. I had coffee and that sort of woke me up a little bit. I tried a new Pop Tarts thing called crisps. It was okay but not filling. I will have a regular pop tart next time.

got my flu shot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got my flu shot

I finally got my flu shot today. I hope that I don’t get sick from it. I didn’t last year when I got it but my arm was sore as hell for a few days. I wanted to get it yesterday but I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach was going insane. I had to stay near a bathroom so didn’t want to take a chance of leaving the house. I am tired now from the short walk. I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I got really winded and my legs were aching. I had to stop midway from my house. I hate that I am still not 100% from surgery. I am only six weeks post op.

I am listening to Hamilton again. I know I usually listen on Saturdays but it was on my playlist so I just played it. I love the soundtrack. It is so good.

Today I learned that my youngest sister has Covid. She is asymptomatic right now. My middle sister and mother will be tested tomorrow. I am nervous because both sisters went to Vegas and just came back. I hope that she won’t be positive too but you never know with this damn virus. If she is positive, I will get tested.

I am a nervous wreck with not knowing right now. I haven’t been sleeping. The trip to the pharmacy to get my flu shot really made me tired. I am fighting sleep right now. It is late and I don’t want to sleep because I know I will be up at like 2 am. I texted my therapist to let her know. She said she gets it. She wants me to get tested but I will if the sister I live with (middle sister) tests positive. I haven’t been around my youngest sister that much so I think I am safe. I just worry if my mother has it. It will kill her as she has a lot of health issues. I hope she doesn’t freak out when she is tested. It isn’t a pleasant test.

I am sad to hear about Eddie Van Halen. I loved him back in the 80’s when they were at their peak. His guitar playing was unheard of. He was so damn good. I am also sad to hear about Johnny Nash. I loved his music too. My mother has a vinyl record of his. I should play it, if I can find it.

My back has started to cramp up again. Damn thing cramps up on me every day. I take stuff for it but it doesn’t matter, I still get the cramps. They are so debilitating. I am definitely going to bring this up when I see my surgeon in a couple weeks. Maybe he can prescribe me something to take them away or maybe increase the dose of what I am taking. I should email my neuro and let her know. She might be able to do something for me. She wants to be posted about my progress and stuff. The only thing that sucks is that I don’t have bowel control like I used to. I have crapped my pants one too many times since my second surgery. I had a bowel accident yesterday morning that just turned into a shit day, not really colon blow but I had diarrhea and it was hard to control my movements. I hate that I have nerve damage to my bowel. It really sucks.

Frustrating Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating Sunday

I woke up in a funk. I didn’t feel really well but still wanted to go food shopping. I had some coffee and then rested a little bit before getting dressed. I went to the store and within twenty minutes, my back started cramping up. I just gathered things that were on the top of my head rather than look at my list. There was stuff I forgot but I will be going back sometime this week with my cousin. I came home from shopping exhausted and in pain. I can’t believe the fatigue I felt. I got a headache and it is really bad. It turned into a migraine. I took some meds for it but it still hasn’t helped yet. I am so tired that I can’t rest. It is like I am too over tired to rest. I hate when I get this way.

My mother will be making hamburgers for supper with the meat I bought. I am glad because I don’t think I can manage making dinner. I bought frozen dinners. But I forgot ice cream. I hate that I did. I have been in some kind of brain fog the past few days. I don’t know if it is because of the Latuda or not. I just feel spacy and forget things. I feel like I am dissociated but I really haven’t lost track of time or anything. I just forgot what I have been doing. Like yesterday morning I wrote a blog after I had breakfast. I cannot tell you what the blog was about because I forgot I wrote it. I just remember that I finished it around noon time and then I took a nap. I am so frustrated that I am so spacy.

I am also frustrated that I have no stamina to do food shopping. I am totally wiped out from the little shopping I did. My back hates me right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a killer headache. I feel so low it isn’t funny. I don’t think I am ever going to have the stamina I had before surgery back in March. It is driving me crazy and I don’t know if things will get better. I hope that when I start PT that somethings do get better but I know it will be a while before I see any progress.

I have such tension in my neck and shoulders today. It really hurts when I turn my neck. My shoulders feel so heavy. It is creating so much tension in my neck that it is making my headache worse. I woke up like this so maybe it was the way I slept. I just know that it is annoying the fuck out of me. Today is just not a good day. Tomorrow I plan on going to the pharmacy to get my flu shot. Once I get it, I need to let my pcp know so they can update my records. I just hope I don’t get sick after I get it. That will really suck.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.