Tag: back surgery

stitches are out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Stitches are out

I had a very tiring day. I woke up with minutes to spare to catch the driver to get to the hospital. I am glad I dressed quickly. There was no traffic to the hospital so I was an hour early. I tried to get something to eat but they weren’t accepting cash so I didn’t get anything. I spent an hour in the empty waiting room waiting for the doctor. He took the stitches out and said things looked good. He said that the disc I was concerned about was compressing things so he fixed it. I don’t have to worry about it now. He did say that I had a dura tear that had to be repaired and that was why I had to lay flat. It took a good few days to be able to sit up right in bed. I still am not feeling well sitting up but I did okay on my way there. I had to walk all over because the place of pick up was at a different building than where my doctor’s office was. I am now paying for it as my foot has flared up.

I had a phone session with my psychopharm. We talked about how I was doing. She thinks part of the reason I am not so depressed is because of the anesthesia. She may be right. I don’t know how long the effect is going to be but it has been two weeks and despite feeling devastated at times, I feel okay. I told her that I was numb and I told her where. I felt funny telling her but she seemed to understand that this is complex and not something that is going to recover in a few weeks. It could be months before I have feeling back. Surgeon even said that. So I just have to take it day by day. She wants me to write more as she feels it could be a good coping mechanism. I cringed. I don’t see my writing as a coping mechanism. I just do it because it feels right. I have some things to express and I express them. They all go into a void for me and I don’t remember what I write usually. Granted right now I am not writing in despair or in a desperate state. I told her I haven’t felt suicidal but I have been hearing hallucinations of music that I have been having to take trilafon for. She asked if I had any side effects and I said my fine motor skills are affected. I can’t seem to hold a pen without shaking a bit. Writing is smooth once I start but I do tremble a little bit. I don’t know if it is anxiety or what but I hate that this is happening. I love writing in my journal and that this tremor is keeping me from writing when I need to. I also want to write to the therapist but I am not sure what to write. I will ask her when I talk to her next Monday.

My pcp messed up my pain meds so now I am behind a week with my other pain meds. He didn’t send off a 30 day supply. I now got to wait till this weekend to get it. I blame that stupid NP in the hospital for messing up the counts. I don’t know why she felt the need to give me a script when I already had a script and my doc would have done it not her. Would have been easier to do things through my pcp than through her anyways.

Surgeon asked if I was voiding and I told him I was. He asked if I could feel myself be full. I can at times but not 100% of the time. I still need to cath every day so I make sure that I am empty. Today I haven’t been voiding much on my own. I have had to cath because I just couldn’t feel full even though I know I drank enough that I should have been full. I still can’t believe this is my new life. It takes so much out of me knowing that I am not a full bodied person anymore. It kills me that this may not go away. I just worry about bowel accidents now because of feeling numb. I haven’t taken Miralax since I have been home. I keep forgetting to take it. It is hard because I don’t have a cup in my room to mix it up in. I keep forgetting to bring up a cup. I might use a water bottle for my mixing. I bought a 32 oz Gatorade bottle that I can mix my drinks in. I bought the powder to make Gatorade. I figure that might help cut down on buying the stuff. I would make a bottle now but my back is all locked up from this morning’s activities. I am really hurting. I am also so very tired despite taking a three hour nap. I just hope I am not up in pain all night because I slept during the day. I am feeling sleepy as I took my night meds an hour ago. I hope I am asleep before midnight. That would be good if I was able to sleep before midnight with no trips to the bathroom. Last night I woke up once or twice but was able to stay in bed. I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I think if I got up I probably wouldn’t have woken up at 9 like I did today.

Tomorrow PT is coming. I am not sure if nursing is going to come by or not. I usually will get a call in the morning if they are going to come by. I don’t think they need to because I saw the surgeon today and I am doing good. I am just worried about PT and what they will want me to do. I want to do what they ask of me but at the same time, I am not sure that I can do it. I forgot to ask the surgeon about it. Being fart brained didn’t help. I wish I had coffee before I left the house. It would have helped tremendously. I think I will have coffee tomorrow at my sister’s. She has a Keurig that is awesome.

Fast Car

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fast Car

This song has been covered by my favorite male country artist, Luke Comb. I started crying listening to it because it brought back such memories of the past. It made me sad that things are changed and now I will never be able to work or do much else. I am feeling discouraged because of my back pain right now. I tried going to the bathroom again and failed to cath on the first try. I thought I was going to pass out on the toilet as I couldn’t stand for the length of time to pee. It took longer because I couldn’t get it done right. Pissed me off, no pun intended.

I am having a difficult time sleeping again. I can’t seem to settle down. It has been like this all day. I got a bloody headache so made myself a sandwich, which took more spoons than I thought it would. I was already in the negative. I couldn’t have someone else make me the sandwich because there is no one else. I could have heated up some chili but I will have that tomorrow with some tortilla wraps. It is really good with the flour tortillas. I like to make a little burrito out of the chili.

My sister made a beef stew today. It was her first. It was okay. I like my mother’s better. Hers had a weird taste to it. I am not sure what it was, possibly too many bay leaves. There was nothing to the thing as the potatoes had disintegrated and there was hardly any beef. It was all stew which was good with a couple pieces of bread. I always enjoy a stew. I need to buy some chunky soup. I haven’t had them in a long while and the soup is really thick. I like soups that are hearty.

I don’t know if my blogs have been making sense. They have been just a stream of consciousness that I use because I cannot sleep. I would write but my fine motor skills have been affected by the medication Invega. I also been taking PRNs of trilafon, another culprit in the deterioration of my skills. I just feel so shaky lately because of this fatigue. I am not looking forward tomorrow. I know I will be fine but it might take me a few days to recover.

I’ve been in contact with my psych and she wants to have a zoom meeting with me. I will be seeing her face to face for the first time in 9 months. Can’t believe it has been that long. She sent me her information for our appointment and I can’t wait. I just hope there are no glitches. That would really suck. Things have been going okay with the virtual visits for therapy. I haven’t been fully present though so I find it hard to talk about stuff because I don’t know what to talk about. I am not really depressed though I am feeling devastated at times. I cannot believe that my surgeon was so good to help me get better but things will still take time. I have it in my record now that I had a tethered cord. I got to contact my neurologist and let her know about it. I know she wanted to know the outcome of the surgery. Maybe I will do that tomorrow as I don’t have anything else to tell her other than I got a numb butt and genitalia. Price of surgery I guess. I just hope in time feeling comes back. I got to ask the surgeon this. He would know or maybe he wouldn’t know for sure but I think feeling will come back in time because there is no other compression going on. He had to irritate the nerve to get it to go numb. Those nerves are sensitive and take a while to recover, if they recover at all. That is why I am worried and devastated at times. Bladder is still being the same as it has been though I have been voiding more just because I want to see if I could. I do but I don’t empty my bladder fully so that isn’t good. That can lead to infection with residual urine in the tank. I am emptied now and hope that I can sleep. It is just after midnight so I will stop here for now.

CES, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

CES, again

I have been having trouble with the bathroom since surgery. My right butt cheek is numb and so is part of my genitalia. I thought it would have recovered by now but tonight after a bowel movement, I couldn’t feel myself at all. I knew I was touching myself but the feeling of wiping was not there. Now I know I have CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) again and I am not happy about this. It is awful because I don’t know what kind of bowel prep I will need down the road. I am being frank about this because it is my life and now I have to deal with it. It is just complications from surgery and may go away with time but I know it will be painful. It always is. I am not looking forward to the burning pains or the other kind of neuropathic pains you get from nerve injury.

I have had a rough night and I should be sleeping but my brain is awake. I thought writing for a bit might calm it down some as it always does when I am restless. I went downstairs to my sister’s apartment for dinner and birthday cake for my brother in law. Today was his birthday. He was drunk as he was so difficult to handle. He would deny being drunk though if asked. He talked about the Orange Menance being a joke. Like we didn’t know this. It is all over the fucking news every day about him being in office is a joke. I just don’t understand why he still is there and not in jail but then I don’t want the zombie VP to be president because that would be worse.

Tonight’s discussion followed the good and bad of Jesus and the devil. My niece who is a scientist tried to intervene scientifically in the realm of things but alas was not listened to. It just came down to a matter of what your perception of god and jesus and the devil was and how good/bad a person you were. Thankfully the conversation ended there. I was feeling out of it because I still am not feeling good. I feel like shit on a platter. I did too much tonight by staying in the conversation and sitting for as long as I did. I should be out but I am still up because of this nervous energy I have. Mostly concerned that I won’t gain back my feelings again, the numb parts of myself that is new.

I have not dealt with this in some time. I was hoping it wasn’t going to happen. I am 11 days post op so I am still healing. I am just dreading it because I now have to be careful with my stomach. I have to watch what I eat and drink and take for bowel control. I fear that if I should have loose stool, I might not be able to feel it should it get loose loose. I would hate having to wear diapers again because of this. I was feeling fine until all this. Now I feel anxious and timid. I am not depressed though so that is something. I know that if I do lose my control of my bowels it will be a different matter. The loss of dignity that goes there is so great and there is no recovery from it. Some have laughed it off but only after years of dealing with it. This is still new to me and I just cannot fathom laughing this off after pooping my pants. I have a hard time even when I pee my pants, which thankfully hasn’t happened in some time due to the retention. I am still having to cath myself a few times a day. The last few hours I have been able to void on my own so I am taking that as a good sign that cathing might be a thing of the past soon. But it all depends on how things go. I know there are times I still don’t get the urge to pee. I am also waking up in the middle of the night to pee because I drink too much or my bladder just decides 3 am is a good time to use the bathroom. I hate the disruption in the night because my sleep is wonky as it is without the added bladder trips. I take anticholinergic meds at bedtime so they make me thirsty which really sucks when trying to sleep through the night. I need to talk to my urologist about this. Maybe she has some suggestions. I don’t see her until the middle of May when I have to have some testing done again to see if my bladder function has improved after surgery. The uro thinks two months is a good time to gauge it. I hope she is right but I think it will be longer. These nerves take a long time to heal and a two month time frame is too short, in my opinion.

Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like shit and crap I feel awful

I have been feeling weak all day. It is awful and there is nothing I can really do about it except fluids and rest. I have been trying to sleep but it hasn’t come. I am too anxious to sleep or sleep because of my med and bathroom schedule. I think once I am out for the night it will be good. I am still on steroids to calm this headache that pops up if I sit for too long. Tomorrow I need to call the surgeon as I have had some sweating on my back around the scar. It doesn’t smell horrible but the damn thing is dry otherwise so I don’t get it. Maybe I am just too hot for my own good, LOL. I just need to hold on for the next 15 hours or so when I can call the office. I don’t want to go to the ER if I don’t have to.

I asked my sister to take a pic of the scar and it looks good. No redness or swelling anywhere so this sweating is a mystery but then it could just be healing. I froze my room so am trying to warm it up again. I had opened the window the other day and had to close it as temp dropped to 39 outside and nearly 60 inside. I was cold and had to put on a long sleeve shirt. Hope that doesn’t contribute to the sweating episodes.

I have been in a weird mental state. I don’t seem depressed or suicidal and I find this somewhat disturbing that suddenly I am “fine”. I just worry about a setback. I sent a message to my therapist about it. Not sure if she read it yet. I haven’t gotten a response. I have a time tomorrow with her in the morning and I hope that I am semi awake. Our appointment last week didn’t go too well as I was out of it from meds. I still might be out of it as I feel so weak. I am trying my best to be with it but it is so damn hard. I just want to sleep but I can’t. so frustrating. I supposed if I took some Ativan or Zanaflex I would be out. Pain hasn’t been that bad today though I can’t seem to sit up straight without muscles tightening on me. The joys of recovering from back surgery. I am glad things went well and I can’t wait to talk to the surgeon about the surgery because I have yet to chat with him since before I was under. I have only seen his residents. This is partly due to the COVID-19 isolation that was going around the hospital so he wasn’t available. I am glad my pain is better but I am not liking the tightening of the muscles. I am glad I have Ativan as I think it works better than Zanaflex at times. But I might be biased. Benzos have always been good muscle relaxers. But the risk of addiction is what keeps them from being in use at times. And they are a hard drug to come off of when you want to stop them or need to stop them. Harder than anything, from what I heard. I hope I never have to find out because just missing a day and I am wicked sick with dizziness. I have been on Ativan for a while and know I have a dependence like you do most medications you take every day. I am sure if I were to stop my blood pressure meds there would be some side effects to that as well. Dependence is not the same as addiction. Addiction you need more of the stuff to achieve the high or whatever feeling you need. Dependence is when you are dependent on a substance through no fault of your own.

I just realized I haven’t done my meds for the week. I have Sunday meds so will do it tomorrow. I had planned a few days in advance just in case I wasn’t up to it. I am glad some planning worked. I have another few days of steroids that I need to fill my box with. I am taking it with Tylenol for pain. That is what they were giving me in the hospital so I am going with it. I will do my meds after my therapy appointment. I hope I am physically able to do it because it would suck to have someone else do it for me. It usually takes me ten minutes to do. We’ll see how long it takes with my back being the way it is. Probably will have to sit and do it not stand like I usually do. Standing has been a nemesis in all of this and I hate it. Just brushing my teeth hurts. I wanted to shower but I didn’t feel up to it. I don’t think I should take one while feeling like I am going to pass out. It might not be the best idea even if it makes me feel a little better. I will do that tomorrow. I need to change clothes anyway because of the sweating. I hope I sleep through the night. It has been a long time since I had a night where I didn’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I keep waking up because stupid bladder needs to be emptied. I am tempted to ask my uro for a foley just so I can sleep. But that might not help with the healing process of my bladder so I won’t call. I am tempted though.