Tag: Blogging

don’t call me daughter 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.

Sunday Blog 29

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 29

My mother woke me up as she needed help opening some cans of tomatoes for the sauce she was going to make. I opened one can and it splatted on me. Later I learned that it also splattered on the ceiling, which my mother was not happy about. I just laughed because our ceiling is pretty high so it must have been a very high splat! I tried getting it off with a long pole my mother had but couldn’t get the right amount of effort to take it off as it had dried. I’m hoping my brother in law can take it off.

I made coffee and had some meatballs that my mother made. I also had some chicken breast deli meat and cheese that I bought yesterday as I drank my coffee. I didn’t realize that the deli guy had given me a half pound of meat. I don’t think I am going to eat all that. I had wanted just a quarter of a pound. It’s good so I will try and eat a little every day until it’s gone.

I came upstairs with the rest of my coffee and pondered on what to do. I felt like reading but didn’t know what. I decided to read the book about Maya the bee that my friend had given me. It’s a cute little story. I read three chapters. I will read more later.

My mother is making lasagna for supper. She must have used like 8 cans of tomatoes for the sauce so she needs to use it up. She put a lot of meat in it. There are meatballs, sausages, and pork ribs. I don’t know if there are other types. Those are the ones that I saw on the counter yesterday.

I bought new music over the past few days. I just bought individual songs rather than albums. One song, “wanna be your song” has been in my head all day so now I have it on repeat. There is just something about it that makes me want to listen to it again and again.

A friend in Canada sent me a private message on Facebook. We have been friends for some time now and she is going through a difficult period right now as her EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) has resurfaced and is making her quite ill. She needed someone to talk to so she called me through Facebook. We talked for a couple hours until she felt sleepy. She is just feeling really depressed because her illness is making her feel like crap and she is sleepy all the time as well as dizzy. She asked me about how does therapy work and I explained it as best I could. I think she would benefit from CBT and told her so. I hope she looks into it and finds a therapist.

Sox lost. They ended their six game win streak, their longest of the season. Porcello (pitcher) got no run support, at all. Can’t win games without scoring.

A Treatise of What is to Come

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

A Treatise of What is to Come

Author: G. Collerone
Copyright: February 23, 1992
Publisher: Global Issues – Mr. Bennett

When I was graduating eighth grade, I thought high school would be hard, offering challenges that would be difficult to make. But freshman year seemed easy once I’ve gotten to know my teachers well and the work was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I’m a sophomore now and it’s more difficult to keep the grades up than it was last year. Last year I studied so much mostly so I could keep sane. Problems at home made me want to study more just so I wouldn’t think about them. Now that the problems are resolved, I’m sort of not as motivated as I was before. That doesn’t mean my grades dropped considerably, they just slipped a little bit.
My goal in life is to join the Navy and become a doctor or a researcher in the medical field. Someday I would like to find a cure for AIDS or cancer. By the time I graduate from college, I hope to have settled on a career path.
I want to join the Navy because while I was in eighth grade, I had the opportunity to tour the “U.S.S. Alwynn”. It is a frigate class ship that was docked at General Ship near my school. Captain Hess, the commanding officer, invited us to lunch and I got to sit at the captain’s table. We learned a lot about the ship and the Navy. I even got to see a torpedo. The feelings I got, made me feel I belonged in the Navy. I then decided that day to join when I got older. I knew that the Navy would pay for college and possibly medical school. If I chose that profession. The branch I would like to be in is the Reserves. The way I’d go into it would be to join an NROTC (Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps) unit at the college that I choose. Not all colleges have a NROTC unit so I have to pick one that does and hope I like it. They also offer good scholarships that will benefit my education. But the real reason I want to join the Navy is the chance to get away from home, be independent and explore the world.
Right now, I’m studying to earn A’s in every subject. If I am to get a scholarship to college, I’ll need this average. The Navy also requires high average persons to handle the high tech machines it operates. The subjects in tenth grade are tougher than they were ninth. So it’s harder to keep such a high average. After school I play basketball. The positions I play are guard and forward. I used to hate playing forward, but now I’m starting to like it. I play on the school team. Last year I also played. I was on J.V. (Junior Varsity). This year I play both JV, which is now called secondary, and Varsity. Last year, the team made it to the city and state finals. We didn’t win. Hopefully we will win. Basketball is my favorite sport. When I’m not on the court, I’m watching TV or listening to the radio. If nothing is on, I’m either reading, studying, or hanging out.
When basketball season is over, I’ll be hanging out at the social center. I am a member of the Boston Youth Network (BYN). What the program does is basically keep kids off the streets and off drugs and/or alcohol. We go on field trips, have odd jobs around the neighborhood, sports, tutoring, games, groups, and other fun things. The program is run by Laurel Lamont, who, in my opinion, is an air brain, literally. But she’s a good person. I met her this past summer at my summer job. I worked at the East Boston Playschool down at the Harborside Community School. I was a counselor’s aide. I helped take care of five to six year old kids. It was a good summer for me. I relaxed from a hard school year. I know I said that freshman year was easy, but that was the school part. The hard part was home. My parents were always arguing and having to put up with it day in and day out was pretty difficult. Then during the middle of the year, around March, my mother had enough of it and said she was getting a divorce. The way I felt then, I didn’t know exactly how to feel. Parts of me were happy, because the arguing would finally end. But other parts were sad and hurt at losing a parent, which happened to be my father. So when summer came, and I had a job, it gave me responsibility and some time away from home which I needed badly to clear my head. After a long and tiring day of working with about 30 five and six year olds, I was too beat to deal with life at home. So I just put it aside and became a little happier than I had been in a long time. But unfortunately, the summer came to an end and so did the job. Then I was stuck with it. When school started in September of this year (well last), my mom kicked my father out. Things for me seemed pretty good, well much better than they had been anyway. I miss him quite a bit. I try to see him at least 2-3 times a month. It’s kind of hard because I’m so busy. At one time in my life, before the past year, things changed so much so that it was like I hardly knew him anymore. I knew that one day something like this was going to happen, but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. In a way I like him being away. Things are less tense. But in other ways I don’t. Since He’s been away and since he changed so much, I’m not so close to him anymore. It’s not that I love him less, because it’s quite the opposite. I love him more than a lot. It’s just that his change made us move apart instead of closer. Things are sort of the same with my mom, except we were never close. Maybe when I was a little kid, but not anymore. I’d rather have it better being apart than close because once I join the Navy, I’m not coming back. So why get close to people you’re not going to see after you graduate from high school anymore. It isn’t that my mother and I don’t get along good. Well sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. But most of the time we do because we stay out of each other’s way.
Besides living with my mom, I also live with my two younger sisters, M and S. I’m the oldest, M is the second oldest and S is the youngest. S and I get along fine. M and I don’t. We’re always arguing and fighting and doing everything sisters do when they mad at each other. We cuss each out, cat fight, etc. We’ve been this way since we were little kids. Now that we are teenagers, we fight but not that often because we stay out of each other’s way and when we don’t we have a little (sometimes big) arguments. Other than that we get along fine.
Of my two sisters, S is the one I feel closest to. Her and I talk about everything and anything. If I have a problem, I go to her and vice-versa. Or when we just need someone to talk to, we go to each other. She’s my little sister. I take care of her and she takes care of me. M and S sometimes gets along but not always. Event though S is my little sister, she sometimes acts as my older sister. One thing that I like about her is that she makes me laugh. Whenever her and I and/ or her best friend are together, we all crack up laughing. She tells me what happened while she was in school or what happened afterwards and it’s a riot, for us anyway. I guess you can say we are more than sisters, we’re best friends. I feel more comfortable with her than my other sister and mother.
Aside from family matters and home life, things are pretty good. My best friend T, have a good friendship. We’ve been friends for thirteen years now. Through our years of friendship we’ve gotten our share of good and bad times. We got into arguments and made up the next day or the day after. The longest argument we ever had lasted a week.
When we are together we have a great time. We do almost everything together. When we were growing up, we wanted to be many things when we got older, from an auto mechanic to cable installers, to firemen to paramedics. You name it we wanted to become it. But as we got older we decided to become auto mechanics and start our own business. Things changed when I started junior high. Since he had stayed back a few years, I had started without him and we didn’t see much of each other after school. When we caught up, I was in my last year of junior high and our ways separated quite a bit. He wanted to become a police officer and I had wanted to become a doctor and join the Navy. But it didn’t affect our friendship. We exchanged career plans and started hanging out more and getting more goofier together as we didn’t so. Then in December of last year, we became girlfriend and boyfriend. We had a good relationship for a while but it didn’t last. Our feelings were different so we had to break up. We did. I think our friendship, plain old friendship is better.
I like collecting stuff. When I was thirteen, I started collecting baseball cards. I have over five hundred cards. I lost interest in collecting as I got older so I stopped. But I still have the cards. I then started collecting “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (STTNG) books. I love the books and the TV show. I’m a real trekkie (Star Trek fan). To boldly go where no one has gone before! I’ve been watching the show since it first began in 1987. I started collecting the books, manuals, pins, etc. about two or three years later. I’ve become a real fan of the whole crew, especially Wil Wheaton who is the youngest cast member. He plays Ensign Wesley Crusher. He’s also played in the movie “Stand By Me”. I’ve been such a big fan that I joined his fan club called “Wil Power”. I’ve been a member since 1989. I’ve also joined his pen pal network, which is members who want other members as pen pals. I have four pen pals, one of whom I’ve written to for a little over a year now. He’s from England and we’ve become good friends. It’s been a real good experience learning what it’s like outside Massachusetts and the US. I really like it a lot.
After high school I plan to go to college, get a pre-med degree and then medical school. Before that I am going to join the Navy. I want to go to college out of state. With the Navy, I hope to see the seas and the world. To see what the world is like and to get to know what life is like outside of Massachusetts and the United States. I don’t travel much outside of Massachusetts. The only time I’ve been out of state was to see a tour of a beer factory in New Hampshire and that was when I was 10 years old! I’ll never forget that place. It smelled nasty and was cold, very cold. It must have been like 60-70 degrees outside and zero degrees inside. I swore after that I was never going to drink beer as long as I live. Not that I could at that age, since you had to be at least 21 or older.
The way I see it, the Navy can let me be independent and self-disciplined so I can support myself and have time away from friends and family. The Navy can offer opportunities no one can match. They train you to do the job you want and pay you. No employer can do that. I’d like to be a commander some day. I hope the Navy can make that dream come true.

tired from doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired from doing nothing

I have no plans for the day other than resting my ankles as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain last night and felt really hopeless. I turned to a friend that I thought would be supportive as she also suffers from chronic pain and mental illness. Instead, she hurt my feelings by telling me to “stop it”. It’s like she didn’t want to hear that I was struggling. I said I was sorry to bother her and good night. This lead to a bunch of text messages saying to talk to her. After the third text, I texted back. I didn’t tell her she hurt my feelings. I am not going to talk to her today and I know next time I feel hopeless, not to call on her. It’s not worth being basically told to shut up about how you feel.

I got up this morning and my pain levels were down. I felt a little better but still feeling hopeless and defeated. I emailed my psychiatrist about my mood. I was going to go back to bed but decided to make coffee. My mother wasn’t feeling well so didn’t go down to my Aunt’s house. It was still raining when I went downstairs and very cold. I made my coffee and chatted lightly with my mother. She noticed my haircut and gave me the look of disappointment. I loved it. She always has something to say about my haircuts being short and this one is really shorter than I usually get it. I told her I would make lunch. I asked her if she wanted ribs and she said ok. My mouth was watering. I couldn’t wait to make lunch.

It was finally time to make lunch and my mother liked the ribs, though she said they were “spicy”. I told her they weren’t bad for $6 compare to the higher quality ribs of $17. After lunch we had some cheesecake. I felt really full. I told my mother I would make hot dogs for supper. She asked why I was making food for her as it wasn’t a special occasion. I told her my pain levels were down, even though I felt dog tired. I really like having hot dogs for dinner. I bought rolls for them so I am happy about that.

After lunch, I went up to my room and it was like a freight train hit me. I was so damn tired I needed a nap. But I still haven’t slept. I just can’t get comfortable and my brain won’t shut off. It keeps going around and around thinking of stuff to do but not wanting to do it. My pain came back a little while ago so I took my pain meds for the first time today, just my regular pain meds as the pain isn’t too severe.

I guess I am still recovering from yesterday as I am so tired today. I really don’t want to do anything but read Facebook and Twitter, which hasn’t been good. Most of the stories on Twitter have been about trump or the guy in Montana that body slammed a reporter. I still can’t believe he got elected but I blame trump because he called the media “an enemy of the people” so his supporters believe that shit. It makes me so mad because if a Dem did the same thing the repubs are doing, they would be treated much differently. It’s sick and twisted. So I have turned to Facebook. I had posted that I was having a hard time and if people could show me their pet pics that would be good. My friends complied. I was happy for a little while. Then a dear friend sent me cat videos and I got engaged in that for a bit. They are funny characters. I love cats.

With all this rain we are having, it has flared up my lower back. It hasn’t been incapacitating, thank god, but I am sore. I know we need the rain and I can’t wait for it to stop so my back will be okay again. I need to change my sheets and I can’t do it with my sore back. It will only aggravate it more. Next week is supposed to be better weather and warmer.

My Achilles is feeling much better today, even though it’s still swollen. I don’t care as long as it’s not hurting. It’s the worst type of pain. I am just glad ibuprofen took care of it last night. I was going out of my tree last night with pain. I was up till after midnight talking with my non-supportive friend. We were talking about random shit. She wants me to see the chief of podiatry at one of the small local hospitals. I don’t think a podiatrist will help me. I have a friend that works at the hospital and she is going to give me the name of an Achilles specialist there, which is what I need. I know that if they just get rid of the damn lump, my pain will decrease. I think it’s because it rubs against the tendon and that is what is causing me pain.

Tomorrow I am going to start typing the high school paper that I wrote. It will probably take me all day because I am not a fast typer when it comes to reading the paper and typing it up. I am going to try and see if WordPress will allow me to change the font to comic sans. I think it will be cool to have an old paper in that font. I just hope I don’t have to pay for that feature. If not, Times new Roman it is, or whatever font WordPress publishes.