Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

I have been reading blogs from last March. It was a painful period for me as my depression was very bad and my father was dying, though we didn’t know. I just came across a blog about last Easter, which had come at the end of March. He was giving me shit, according to the blog. I think I remember him being all dressed up, in his three piece suit, and his pocket watch that he was proud to show off. He made fun of the things I was putting on my plate, telling me it was too much food when there was hardly anything. I was barely eating those days because the depression took my appetite away. It was the last time he was in good spirits. I wish we took a picture of him all deck out to remember the occasion. We had no idea it would be his last Easter. I am so sad when I think about this.

His birthday is next week and I have to say that it is causing me big time grief. My sister is thinking of going to the race track to spread his ashes. It’s something he would have wanted.

I was talking to my friend in Canada. We have been friends for a long time and today she left me a comment. I wasn’t sure it was her at first but it was. I was talking to her via Facebook and she was telling me that she reads my blog to her husband every day. I think that is so cute and romantic, though my stories are not that romantic in nature. But the fact she is sharing my work with him is special. It made me proud to know her. I love you Yogi Bear, I truly do.

As I was going through the March blogs, I realized it has been a year that I have been back on Zoloft. What a difference it has made. I can cope a little better with things and realize things aren’t so bleak. I am in wicked pain right now but it’s not driving me to suicidal depths like it did in the past. I think the extra 50 mgs I added (with the ok from my psych) made a bit of difference. I have slowly increased the medication because I don’t want to get sick like I did before. It usually takes a while for me to get sick. Last time I was on it for a couple years before I made the connection that the med was causing me nausea every day. Now I know what to look for. I will have to tamper down if this happens again.

I never read my book. I decided to backup my laptop files on my thumb drive. I thought some mindless distraction would help decrease my pain. It did but didn’t. The thing is, the pain is coming in waves so soon as I think it’s gone, it comes back again. I might have to take another strong pill.

There was an article circulating on Twitter about a link between childhood emotional abuse and the opioid epidemic. When I saw it, my first reaction was “no shit, I could have told you that”. I retweeted the article I saw with a “shit” comment. The person that sent it blocked me. I didn’t have access to the article. Then someone else posted it and I posted it again with this is the article that I was blocked on. Here is the article if you are interested in reading this bullshit: http://www.psypost.org/2017/03/new-study-links-opioid-epidemic-childhood-emotional-abuse-48288

I call it bullshit because I think it might harm chronic pain patients that need opioids to manage their pain. I know that is why I was turned away from a pain clinic because a psychologist there said I had the “potential” all because I had a trauma history. Who the fuck doesn’t?? That doesn’t mean that every one that has had a bad childhood is going to turn toward heroin or oxy. People have used it safely. Chronic pain patients need medications or suicides are going to happen. Just makes me sick. And I am still pissed off I was blocked by someone I don’t know and that person didn’t know me!

Blizzard on National Pi Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blizzard on National Pi Day

We got some snow this morning when I woke up in pain around 7. I went to the bathroom and then checked the conditions. It was barely snowing so I thought that was going to be it. I was wrong. Two hours later it was really coming down and the wind hasn’t stopped howling. We usually get a drift by our back door on our porch. Now it’s towards the wall as that is where the wind is pushing all the snow. Most of the shingles are covered in snow on that side of the house. It’s really cold and of course our heating system isn’t working right. My brother in law had to tinker with it so I am freezing in my room.

I haven’t been in a great mood most of the day. Suicide has been on my mind for some reason, though I don’t feel really depressed. I got a call from a therapist who referred me to another therapist. I will google her later. I am not up to searching for therapists. I have to get the spelling of her last name though so I might so a reverse lookup with the phone number he gave. He also didn’t specify what degree she was. Not that it really matters. You don’t need a PhD to be a good therapist.

My sister invited us down for dinner tonight. She is making lasagna. Not one of my favorite dishes but I will eat it to be polite. My mother is making a coffee cake and some asparagus. We have no idea how the asparagus came to us as she didn’t buy it. It was just put on the kitchen table. I know I didn’t buy it because I don’t buy vegetables. I always get yelled at because they are either poor quality or I spend too much for it. I have no idea what to look for when buying so I just leave it to my mother. She has to cook it anyways so better she buy it.

I took a nap after I had breakfast. I was dreaming about Richard Gere for some reason. If I was straight, I would be so after him. He is so handsome. But it wasn’t that kind of a dream. We were working together doing something though I don’t remember what. I woke up from the dream and wanted to make coffee. I was congested so was coughing up stuff and gagging on it. It was making my mother cold because I was just in a T-shirt. I didn’t care. It was cold in the kitchen and my brother in law was inspecting the heat. He says it’s on but it doesn’t feel like it is. The wind is making the house feel much colder.

Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow. I haven’t heard anything about my city. I won’t be too surprised because if Boston cancels, usually other cities and towns follows. It was good that not too many people were on the roads. The Lt. Governor showed a video of a semi wiping out on the Zakim Bridge. If there were cars in front of the trailer, they would have been smashed. It would have been a bad scene.

I have been following the Zero Suicide chat on Twitter that is going on in Missouri. One of my friends is tweeting about it and is being totally hysterical. It cheered me up some.

Despite having coffee, I still feel tired. My mother just called me to say that dinner is ready if I want to go down to my sister’s. I told her I would after I finish this blog. A lot of people have been reading my “Knackered” blog today and been commenting on it. It’s one of my most read blogs and I am very proud of it. It is also a chapter in my memoir, “Midnight Demon”. It makes me feel good to know that it helps people know that they are not alone with Cauda Equina Syndrome and its affects. I usually share my Facebook group or the website for the private Yahoo group. Some people prefer one or both to get support. I should probably create a support page but most people don’t read my pages unless it brings them to them via a search. Or they are just exploring my blog. I have a few CES pages up.

Sunday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 24

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up till 0400 or so. I couldn’t settle down because of pain and then my anxiety shot up because I was in pain. I had to take another Ativan to get to sleep. I felt like paging my psych but I knew she would just tell me to take an Ativan and try and get some sleep. I slept most of the day, though I was up in the morning. I finally had a BM, though now I am scared because when I woke up I took two more fiber pills before I went. That could be trouble.

I participated in BPD chat this afternoon. It was good and I got a couple of new follows. I don’t know if I will chat with these people but whatever. Lately my tweets have been centered around my pain issues more than my mental status. I have a friend on Facebook that wants me to try some lotion that she found on the site. I am weary because they don’t really work the way they say they do. Then you are on their email list forever.

I talked my mother into making pancakes for supper. It made me happy. I love her pancakes. They are just regular ones, not the kind I make. I think she double batched the recipe so she can have more to save for later. I got hungry afterwards despite have six pancakes. I really haven’t eaten anything all day so I am making up for it now. I had the leftover Chinese food from last night.

Pain has been up and down for most of the day. I had to take some pain meds when I woke up from my nap because I was really hurting. I woke up with a headache that I am still trying to make go away. I am not sure it is a migraine or not. But it is annoying me.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night. I thought she would respond but she hasn’t yet. I really need an appointment with her as I need refills on a few of my meds. Actually, all my meds that I take for psych I need a refill on. I also want to ask her if I could take my BP pill as a PRN for when the PTSD gets activated rather than always using Ativan to calm me down. Ativan works, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to be dependent on it.

I got to take my meds soon, but first I need to fill my box. I meant to do it earlier today but never got around to it. It’s like if I don’t do things when I first think of them, they just don’t get done. I should have done it last night while I was up so damn late. I am just glad I didn’t turn suicidal. The pain was manageable but it was still causing me anxiety because my last three toes are numb. I couldn’t feel them when I touched them. That would explain why they feel “weird”. I don’t know why they are numb all of a sudden. I am not having any other symptoms of CES. I can’t move my toes on that foot because of the nerve damage I suffered. It’s worse now with the pain syndrome. The numbness really set off my PTSD and it took forever for me to relax and realize I didn’t have to go to the ER or have surgery or anything else that was running through my head at the time. It’s scary stuff going through something so life changing. It haunts you. If I didn’t have a time bomb of all herniated discs in my back, I wouldn’t be so worried. But all my discs are herniated and that is cause for concern because one wrong move or fall or something can mean more surgery and more nerve damage. I really don’t want that to happen to me. I think if I got CES for the third time, I would kill myself rather than go through a rehab process again or try to learn to walk again. Twice was enough for me.

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.