Tag: CES

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

hearing the rain come down

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hearing the rain come down

It is pouring rain right now and I have my window open listening to it. Such a soothing sound. I hope I don’t have to close my window. I guess if the wind shifts I might have to but right now I can keep it open. I turned off the music so I could listen to it. It’s not every day that you have rain come down like this.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds today. It was exhausting but I did it. This was before the rain had come down. It was nice out, just sprinkles of rain here and there, nothing like what is happening now. I am glad I missed the rain. I hate walking in the rain all wet. I called my neurosurgeon today but didn’t hear back from him. I guess he does want me to have another trial of steroids as he called it in to the pharmacy. I just got a text saying my prescription was ready. I will get it tomorrow after therapy.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous about it because I told my therapist she should be asking me about my suicidality. The gears have been turning again and I found myself planning so I let her know that she should be asking about my suicidality. She doesn’t ask, it just gives me more planning ideas. I already have the means to end it. I just need a date to do it.

As I am a lover of pens, there was an ad on facebook and Instagram on pens that were made using the barrels of whiskey. It could be Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam, or Jack Daniels. I chose Jack Daniels and got the pen engraved with my name on it. I figure if I am still here, for now, I might as well have something to commemorate it. So I bought the pen. It is my most expensive pen that I own but it was worth it. It writes well and has the kind of point I love in a ballpoint pen. The top is heavier than the bottom. I don’t like that aspect of it but I guess the mechanism is heavy. I really like this pen. It will not replace my other pens that I love but I will use it like I do when I am looking for something special to write.

I have two appointments tomorrow both are psych related. The first one is with my therapist and the second is with my psychopharm. My first double appointment day in some time. Later this week, I see my PCP. I am not looking forward to that appointment because I have to ask him for a med increase with my pain meds. I hate asking for things. I feel like I don’t deserve it. It was something my father had always said to me when I got sick. He didn’t want to buy the cough medicine or fever medicine so he would say I gotta die because it was my fault I got sick. Every time I got sick, he would tell me this until my mother begged him for money to get the medicine we needed to get better. He was really stingy when it came to money. He felt like it was all his and screw the money for medicine that we needed to survive the flu or cold we were suffering from. It was his joke. I realized then my father didn’t care for my life. As long as he had money in his pocket, that was all he cared about.

Saturday Blog 09052020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 09052020

I did nothing today except to read a couple chapters of Unquiet Mind. It is a well written memoir that talks about the pain of having to deal with a mental illness all the while working in the mental health field. I was glad that those that knew didn’t hold back her tenure at UCLA. It must have been a bittersweet moment to have tenure. I don’t think I could do the academic teaching thing. I often wonder if I had kept on track and not gotten ill while working on my bachelor’s degree where that would have taken me. I was only about a year and a half away from graduating when psychosis ended my academic career. Now I won’t be able to go back because of it being so damn expensive.

I got my new thumb drive. It is a USB hub and is so tiny. I could easily lose this so I am going to keep it in my laptop or it will get lost. I plan on just saving my blogs on it rather than putting them on the cloud like I have. This way I can store them a little more organized

I didn’t do well last night. I had a hard time trying to sleep. I finally decided to sleep with my feet on my wedge so my legs were raised as I slept on my back. I passed out soon after I was all comfortable. But I kept waking from weird dreams. I had to pee around 4 am but managed to go back to sleep for a couple more hours before I *HAD* to go. Around 7 I did my business and then took my morning meds so I wouldn’t have to wake up again in an hour. Some idiot called me around 10 and then I was up. I was trying to be a good boy and just relax today but it was so damn hard just lying there in bed. I was bored and not really tired. I wish I could have read but my head was hurting so I couldn’t. It was frustrating. Between the headaches and blurred vision, I was surprised I was able to read at all today.

For those reading my blog for the first time, I had back surgery 6 weeks ago and suffered a spinal leak a couple of weeks ago. There is spinal fluid in my spine that is causing headaches, palpitations, and tachycardia. The blurred vision is new because I had to bring myself to the max the past two days. I went food shopping and showered. Then next day went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, but I had to go twice because half way there I forgot my mask. I still am not used to carrying it with me. But as the cliché goes, the new normal will soon be upon us and it will be like grabbing keys and cell phone before leaving the house. The reusable masks that I bought have not come in yet. One of my packages is stuck in customs in Los Angeles. I don’t know when I will be getting that package. It is from China so I am sure needs to be in quarantine or something before it can be released.

blah and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Blah and tired

I had my appointment with my neurosurgeon this morning. We talked about the MRI results. I do have a leak but it isn’t something major. It is medium size so we are just going to monitor the headaches and see if the steroids help it. He wants me to increase activity but slowly. Just taking one walk per day and resting the rest of the time as I need to be careful with my back. I didn’t ask him about more PT sessions. The PT that I have been working with that I don’t like is coming tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t work me too hard because that will be bad. I honestly don’t want to have PT but I know I need it.

After I had breakfast and my tea, I had to give myself my T shot. The first injection didn’t go well as it felt wrong and sure enough it was. I hit a vein and there was blood. UGH. I didn’t inject in that leg I used my other one. I had to. I didn’t want to risk another venipuncture. The second injection went smoothly and I didn’t even feel it. So yay for doing it right, the second time. I was sleepy afterwards so I decided to take a nap and then I would shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. That was the plan anyways. It didn’t happen because I woke up at 3 and was too tired to leave the house. I did take a quick shower. I also shaved my face. I had to because I was starting to get stubble again. I want to be clean shaven for a while, though I still have my mustache.

I ordered food for dinner as I didn’t want to cook anything. I was supposed to get a milkshake with my order but I didn’t. I was sorely disappointed. I had asked the delivery guy about it and he just kept on saying no. Jerk. I wanted that one sweet thing today. I have been in such a blah mood. Pain hasn’t been helping my mood at all. I have been having bladder cramps the past hour or so for some reason. I hate them. They feel like period cramps. I took some Tylenol for them though I know that probably won’t help any. I’m feeling really low right now and I don’t know why. It came on so suddenly. I feel like I shouldn’t be around anymore. That has been my feeling for most of the week. I didn’t think I would get back to these dark moods so suddenly but I have. I guess the affects of the anesthesia have worn off now and I am back to my depressed mood. It was good having a little respite from it. I hope I sleep tonight.