Tag: chronic illness

Throb Throb Throb goes my ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Throb throb throb goes my ankle

My night would not be complete unless my ankle and foot are throbbing like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow. And right on cue, I can not sleep because of the throbbing. My day was going just fine. I was settling into my bed. Closed the light. Was nice and comfy when the throbbing came out of no where and boom my foot explodes in pain. I go through this rigmarole every goddamned night.

Tonight I got really angry, like punch a wall angry. I didn’t have a pleasant evening. A friend came over my house to watch the game. Least that is what I was intending to do. He didn’t shut up the entire 8 innings he watched. And he wasn’t talking about the game. He kept on saying shit pickle, in a joking voice because the announcer was saying something about being in a pickle. It was hard trying to pay attention to the game and listen to my friend ramble on and on. It didn’t help that my team was losing, came ahead, lost the lead and then finally gave up. I really couldn’t wait for the game to end because I wanted to shower really bad. I was sweating up a storm as the house was so hot.

Now I am freezing my assets off and loving it. My stomach didn’t like the food I was eating but then it didn’t really start bothering me until after I took my night meds, which is like eating a meal in and of itself. I feel so bloated, which also isn’t helping me go to sleep along with the throbbing of my ankle and foot. I wasn’t angry that my friend talked a lot during the game. I am angry because I am in fucking pain, yet again, for the umpteenth night in a row. I can’t take it anymore.

I seriously want to end my life. And if I had a car, I would do it, right now. I would drive to where I want to end it. Take the pills and hope it’s enough to kill me. Is it bad that I dream of that day when I do do this? Even if I don’t have a car, I can walk to my destination. I don’t know if it will kill me but then once I get there, I will be dead. There won’t be any going back. And the throb throb throb of my ankle will be but a memory.

I know there will be people that will miss me and I am sorry to hurt you all but I can’t live like this anymore. My life is nothing but pain and anguish and tonight it’s killing me to breathe. I have a weight on my chest that no one can see or feel or touch. It’s called psychache and it hurts really bad, more than the throbbing in my ankle sometimes.

I got so angry tonight that I wanted to cry. I don’t think I have ever felt so bullshit angry before because I am in pain. I have taken my pills. I honestly couldn’t remember if I took them or not. Then I remembered that it was hours ago that I took them, which is why I am in pain now. I hate when I don’t get ahead of the pain. I think that I can last a few hours without taking a pill. Sometimes, I really think I can just stand the pain. Not tonight though. Tonight it’s just awful like it’s every night at this time. Just before bed it’s just at it’s worse and no one can tell me why that is. It doesn’t bother me during the day. Only before bed, right when I want to sleep the devil comes out and my ankle and foot explodes in agony. This is why I have every right to die. Doesn’t matter that I have pills to take the pain away. That isn’t the point. The point is that I shouldn’t be in pain, period. But I am. And I just can’t accept that is the way my life is anymore. It’s too great a burden to bear.

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.

Timeline

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Timeline

According to my blogs in January 2016, my voices had become worse and so had my depression. Then my father had his treatments. The end of the month he was hospitalized for chest pain. A few days later after discharge, he was readmitted with a chest collapse brought about, presumably, due to pleural effusion or an air pocket burst.

I was supposed to start PT for my back but never did because of the evolving care of my father. My depression worsened the more involved I was with the man. The voices ultimately were controlling me, though I didn’t realize it at first. This was despite taking an adequate dose of abilify and taking it faithfully every night. The only exception to this was when my father was readmitted for the collapsed lung issue. I missed a few days because it was late and I didn’t feel like filling up my pill box. I was haphazardly taking my meds. A few here, a few there that first week in March.

March was a markedly collapse of my father’s health. He was admitted every two weeks for pleural effusions or because of fluid build up in his system. He had stopped eating or was barely eating and drinking, even with support from my sisters. He lost weight and subsequently would develop pneumonia that was his last illness before being transferred to a nursing home for further care.

My mental health deteriorated. In the middle of March, after losing up to 15 pounds, I decided to go back on Zoloft, even though I didn’t think it would do much. We started off slow as I didn’t want to get sick off it, though my psychiatrist wanted me on 100 mg. I was happy with half that. My father died the end of April. I was hospitalized the middle of May after everything was said and done. We decided to increase the Zoloft to 100 mg and it was a quick admission. I was there only six days and have not been back, against my better judgement.

June brought havoc for me with the Orlando shootings and I felt the pressing need to notify authorities that the gunman had an alien parasite in his brain that caused his actions. The voices were rampant at this point and I discussed the matter with my psychiatrist and therapist before making any phone calls. It was at this point I got very agitated at my therapist for not believing me about the alien parasites and decided I wasn’t going to take the abilify any more. The voices by then were commanding me to do things and I went along.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling really paranoid while at my psychiatrist’s office. I was really scared she was going to kill me despite her reassurances that she was not. This was around the end of June. That day was terrible. The paranoia had increased due to some social media post by a Twitter follower I was following for PTSD. She had posted something to do for ISIS which is always a trigger for me. It freaked me out and the paranoia increased tenfold. I emailed my psychiatrist to get some trilafon to calm down as the agitation was terrible. Then there were problems with the pharmacy filling it. I was fuming. I have been on this medication for a long time and these young pharmacists were telling me how it was interacting with my medication. I scoffed because my psychiatrist knew the medications I was taking and if there were interactions, my psych wouldn’t be prescribing me the medication. She talked to these young people and I was able to get my meds, finally. Though it really frazzled me.

Because the trilafon was working while I was “sneaking it” behind the voices back, I was coming to the realization just how much they were controlling me. The noise in my head became much quieter and I was able to fight back, albeit slowly. I still felt I needed to be in the hospital and was seriously contemplating when my mother, who has diabetes, took a hypoglycemic episode and I found her down. If I was in the hospital, I dread to think of the consequences. I realized then, the beginning of July, that I had to get control of the voices so started taking the trilafon more frequently than every other day or every two days.

Since my father’s death, I have been feeling numb and distant. Things got better and I was feeling my “normal” feelings of depression or joy or something. But since the voices got louder and more demanding, I have noticed that I been feeling flat and not feeling much of anything. I feel blunted, like I should be feeling something but I am not. My therapist is calling this “negative symptoms” of psychosis but it’s been ages since I looked at a psych book to remember what those were. I used to know psychosis very well way back when I was young student in college but have gradually lost what I learned as I moved away from my calling and haven’t been in school in years.

Even as I am writing this, I feel disconnected, like a lightbulb has been turned off and I can’t find the switch. It doesn’t concern me. I don’t know why it’s concerning my therapist so much. But then she is very protective of me. I just don’t see the concern. Not having emotion is kind of a relief. It’s better than feeling the deep dark lows that I had been feeling. It has affected my writing some what. But then, my writing has not recovered much since my father’s death three months ago. I still feel as distant as I did back then.

feeling exhausted from psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a nap in the afternoon and I still am not quite awake. I really am not looking forward to tomorrow where I said I would be going to a BBQ. I didn’t realize that my mother’s sisters would be going as well. I am going to be bored out of my tree. I had thought of going into the hospital but am afraid my mother’s blood sugar would crash. She has been stable since being home from the hospital. I just worry the stress of me going to into the hospital might cause her to become unstable. I could be wrong but I don’t want to be right.

I talked with my therapist about going in the hospital as the voices are just getting worse and not better despite me taking the trilafon regularly. I am still up to 8 mg a day, which is a moderate dose. I told my therapist I would page my psychiatrist but still haven’t done it. I am kind of afraid that my psych will tell me I need to be in the hospital and then I will have no choice but to go. I really don’t want to go in, for the reasons I have mentioned. I am supposed to babysit next week and that will be difficult if I am in the hospital.

My therapist and I talked more about how the psychosis is affecting me. It is blunting my emotions so it is hard to feel anything. When I do feel something, it’s mostly depression. Last night I was feeling sad because I was thinking about my father. I was tempted to call my sister but it was late. I had briefly discussed the grief of my father with the NP I saw yesterday. She still says what I am going through is normal, what ever that means.

Since waking up at 0300 this morning, I have had the shits. I don’t know why. I haven’t eaten very much in the last couple of days. It’s taken a lot out of me. I think that was why I feel so tired today, despite drinking coffee. I just feel really exhausted. I don’t think I am going to go out with my cousin and aunts tomorrow. It’s going to be too stressful for me and that is the last thing I need right now.